better.

on april 1st i decided that i'm tired of being overweight and that something needs to change. first i'm starting with no pop. pepsi is my weakness. major weakness. when i'm stressed we go get a 32oz pop. after a long day, a 32oz. sometimes we do a 44oz. i'd have a can at both breaks. i drink a lot of pepsi. did drink. that is a lot of sugar and a lot of caffeine. i drank a cup of coffee in the morning too. as someone that deals with anxiety i do not need that caffeine. i was always tired. "my coffee hasn't kicked in yet." i never did. it would sink me down instead of giving me energy, well temporary energy that is. i've had enough.

now let talks about the celexa i''m on for my generalized anxiety. i was at 40mgs. i always felt i was in a fog. my anxiety and panic attacks have been worse, ironically after i started the celexa. i started at 20 and was feeling better. then winter came and the SAD. seasonal affective disorder. the lack of sunlight and warm gets me down and this year it got me down fast. so we up'd my meds to 30mgs and then to 40. things got worse and worse. more anxiety more panic. and around the end of march i was so worn out from all of it that i didn't know what else to do. especially after i had a sinus infection and needed to take a zpack. i read that it interacts with the celexa and can cause heart issues. i confirmed this with the pharmacist. so i freaked. i noticed it was the worse one out of the other ssri's with interactions. so i decided i'm going back down to 20mgs by myself. not waiting to get into the dr or for my next appt. when i see her in may i will decide if 20mgs is good enough or change but this med kinda scares me. i've been on antidepressants for 20 years. i don't really know what what happiness is. what makes me the happiest or the sadist. ok i do, to a point. but i don't laugh a lot like i used to. a lot of things have changed in that way. sooooo time for a change in this area as well.

no more pop and 20mgs of celexa and i am feeling better. i have more energy. i don't have the highs and lows of the caffeine. i do miss my morning coffee. the ritual of it i suppose. i'm thinking of looking for a decaf. i'm starting to eat better, slowly. i'm not going to stop it all and make major changes at once. did that several times and it didn't work. i did lose 74lbs at one time and i know what i need to do to make it happen. now things are a bit different so i need to adjust and let my body tell me what is next. i had a reason to lose weight the last time and i do now as well. the reasons are different but both are best for my life.

i'm going to start a new therapist tomorrow. i have to get over this agoraphobia and get on with my life. it's the only things stopping me. the only thing that is holding me back from be free. i hope she has some knowledge and can help me. it's not my last resort but a new start and a new insights. i'm looking forward to it. if i said how long it has been since i have went anywhere, i would be so ashamed so i don't. eric may not even know. so let's change this and let's get out. let's face the demon that stands before me and tells me i can't. i will fight through with Jesus on my side and I will win.

yesterday

yesterday was amazing. the first sunday in so long that there was peace. we went to two parks and got some ice cream. the weather was perfect. i felt at peace and blessed. there was no anxiety. no fears. just me and my family having fun.

the thing with anxiety is you never know when it will start up. i've been taking 40mgs of celexa. i decided that wast too much and backed off to 20mgs. no dr's orders. did it myself. my choice. something has been up for months and i really think it is the meds....well the winter time didn't help but the amount of anxiety and panic attacks is actually the worse ever.

i want to get off of pepsi. i want to start eating right. i want to look into foods that help anxiety and depression. essential oils also. i'm slowly educating myself on what is good to help. i know pumpkin seeds are one things that help. as i'm getting older i am realizing that my body isn't tolerating the caffeine like it once did. i had coffee this morning and jitters came up. so yeah...i probably need to stop coffee too.

little changes. little things that will make life easier and free  less anxiety. it will be a slow process but i have to start sometime. liam is getting old enough to where he wants to go do things and i want to take him. god...no one knows how much this tears at my heart what i go through. i'm always thinking how i want to do this and that with him and then the thoughts of panic come. there is always the "what if i panic" that comes to mind. hopefully the therapist will help with that next week.

sigh. deep breath. it will work out.

a change????

the last few months has been challenging. a lot more anxiety and panic attacks then i have had in years. i don't know if it is hormones, meds or me. i don't know what to do or how to do it. but....i feel this change that is happening. we started going back to church in september. i remember going to the alter for an alter call for people that wanted to hear from God and what He wants us to do to make a difference. i asked God to let me know what it is i am suppose to do. i think he is slowly telling me. God and I's relationship is not easy. i want Him to automatically heal me, He wants me to listen to myself and learn. i'm not patient, He wants me to be patient. i don't feel strong, He thinks i am strong and can handle what comes to me....He wants me to realize He is my strength. i don't trust anyone these days. He wants me to put my trust in Him and know all will be ok.

in the several months since that alter call i really haven't done much. i was thinking last night about how things have changed. i don't like to scrapbook any more. i vegetate and watch  more tv. i'm on the ipad a lot. i'm avoiding a lot more. in the terms of my sister-in-law, i am a hermit. i go to work. i come home and fix dinner, sometimes it is through a drive thru. and then i do nothing. i have no desire. i have no will. nothing. the anxiety and panic has become worse. i read my devotionals, well read them. work has stressed me more than it normally has to where i don't want to work any more. it's like i went into hibernation like a bear.

i changed my meds back in oct/nov. i think it was a mistake. since then things have went down hill. i'm kinda thinking that the meds are the real reason for all that has been happening. i see a new therapist in a week, i'm going to ask her if i should switch meds. i think i should. i blame the meds for what is going on. why? well, i can't even take a z-pac because of it causing heart problems. there is a huge list of counter actions. i read other ones and celexa has more than a lot of them. i wish i could get off the meds all together. i started them when i was first married to my ex. been on them for 20 years....really don't know how to feel anything any more. no idea what truly makes me happy or sad. don't know if my anger is from meds or myself. meds help one thing but bring out others. sucks.

so what do i want to do now that is is warm and time to come out of hibernation?

well, first it will be the new therapist. i need some coping skills for when i'm anxious so i won't go into a completely panic attack.
second. meditation. i really need to do this each night. when i mediate i feel amazing. i want to find a good guided meditation, those really help!
third. get out of the house. i want to go out and explore. being agoraphobic is hard to do that but i will get out and extend my boundries one mile at a time.
forth. do yoga. i've been wanting to try this. i know it will help a lot.
fifth. spend more time studying God's word.
sixth. eat better. that means no pepsi. ugh. but it must be done. eric made a good observation the other night. when we first got together i didn't drink pop and my anxiety was barely there. i drink a lot more pop now. with anxiety disorder i shouldn't drink anything with caffeine but i do. so that needs to stop.

there is a lot more to work on but i won't get overwhelmed. i think God is wanting me to talk more about my agoraphobia and anxiety issues. when i did a google search i found a few blogs on it but rarely written on. i want to educate people and help the ones out there that deal with it and feel alone. i know i feel so alone when i'm out and panic happens. i feel like an idiot, a failure. like i am the lowest person on earth. so so ashamed. i want to put up videos when i am out and talk about what is going on. i want people to understand that mental illness is real and not a freak show. yep, i will be blogging more and writing my thoughts more. i hope that i can reach at least one person to educate or help. i hope this helps me gain strength and wisdom to help myself.

so....here we go!

keep going

keep going. my gosh that is hard to do at times. as ironic as it seems, it seems like my anxiety has increased when i started back to church and getting closer to God again. i believe it is satan and his evil that is trying to stop me from reading the word and going forth on my new walk with the Lord. i stopped going to church though. i lost faith in "church". i had a bad experience when i was in high school and once again. so no more church for me unless God shows me that i need it and where it will be. people that i thought understood my anxiety, apparently don't. but i am not giving up my faith and believing that God will heal me and help me through this.

i always looked for the right book, person, quote, etc to help me get over this. you can read all the books on anxiety but they all pretty much say the same. i believe that God is working a healing in me but I believe he is making the anxiety to come so i will work through it. see, anxiety will go away if you fight it and show it that you will win and be ok once it is gone. i've known this but have been too chicken to do this. i was too scared to let it happen and go with it. i know i have to do this. i know i have to let it come and experience the anxiety. i need to show it that i will not be scared of it any more. i've missed out on so much because of my fear of a panic attack. lately i've been taking more klonopin than i have been. one panic here or there results in "oh what if it happens again. well, let's take this and it won't." ha. i've found out lately that i can get bad anxiety even if i do take a klonopin. so we fight this. we bring this to head and punch the crap out of it with positive words. with strength and courage. with power. with determination.

i'm so tired of being stuck in this rut. i'm tired of looking at situations that may cause me to be anxious. geeee, rhonda...get over it. it isn't the situation it is YOU!!!! those thoughts come and bam....anxiety. panic. i friggin hate anxiety and i have ran and hid for too long. now that i have a fight force behind me and in me, i am ready to tackle this head on and fight like a woman! :) a strong, powerful woman of God. a God that is always with me and by me. a God that stands next to me and tells me "you can do this." I know I need God in  my life in so many ways, but i need him more to fight the anxiety and beat it.

this 10 to 20 seconds of intense fear has stopped me from doing so much in my life. i've missed out family things, friend things. LIFE. here i am 42 and where have i really been in the last 20  years? the past is behind me. i am stronger now than i have ever been. i want to be a normal person. normal as in: take my son to dinner, just us; go shopping in other towns for christmas; go to family reunions; go to my inlaws; pick up liam if eric is working later than me and get ice cream. the things i can't do because the fear is greater than the want. and that fear has been greater for too long.

my life is half over. i don't want to waste any more time. there are times at work i get nervous and panic arises because i can't find eric. my god...i am so sick of that. i'm sick of the fear controlling me. i have to bring the fear, let it come, let it pass and not react to it other than, "ha ha i kicked your butt." that is out it has to be. that is how it will be. i know i will need my meds because anxiety is apart of me and always will be, but i need to react to it like i should and not run from it. darn it...it's time to live.

what a difference a week makes

feeling so much better. oh my gosh i can't begin to tell you how much better i feel. i think i am suppose to be in the groups of ssri's because the other group i was in just doesn't work like this group does. i'm on celexa and hoping this good feeling stays! i started it last tuesday so i hasn't been a week yet till tomorrow but i feel so much better and will get even better as time goes on.

last sunday was a very down day. i decided we needed to go to the park to get out and help me mentally. oh how this boy loves the park!

loving how beautiful this fall is. the trees around here are gorgeous. one of the best falls in years.

maybe today we'll drive around and get some more pictures of trees. oh i do love fall!!!!

that was too much for me!

yesterday i had some really bad side effects from the cymbalta. i was so tired. my head felt like i was in some sort of fog. i had only taken it for two days. there is no way i am going to deal with that till, or even if, my body gets used to it. i need to function. heck, i'd rather have anxiety and panic then what i felt. so now what?

i decided i'm going to stick to the pristiq for right now. i see my dr on the 8th and till then i will write down when i am anxious and go from there. i am also going to check into the book "the mood cure." a gal on facebook told me about it. i shouldn't have caffeine but i do. i drink coffee and pop. here is something i found on caffeine:

"Your favorite pick me up has two effects upon the body which can result in an increase in your anxiety levels. One side effect of your caffeine habit is to block adenosine, a protein found throughout the body. Adenosine regulates the firing of neurons in different brain regions. It is what causes you to get drowsy. Caffeine interferes with this process and causes the firing of neurons to increase. This triggers the pituitary gland to produce adrenaline because the gland thinks an emergency is occurring. This increase in adrenaline can cause and increase your anxiety symptoms."

and this on sugar:
"Sugar can cause a dramatic increase in anxiety. Like caffeine, sugar can cause lactic acid to build up in the bloodstream. In addition, the ingestion of sugar causes a release of insulin which decreases blood glucose. This causes mood swings and agitation. If you suffer from anxiety you should limit your sugar intake and try to eat complex carbohydrates like whole grains. Also, try eating smaller meals throughout the day."

so now i have some thinking to do and some switching to make. i need to limit my sugar intake as well. i knew sugar could be a factor but i didn't realize how much. i was thinking back to when i was pregnant. i didn't have coffee or pop. i ate better and i never once had a panic attack. i know i had some anxiety but nothing that i remember as being very bad. i do eat a lot of sugar. i've been wanting to eat better foods but yes....i am addicted to sweets and sugar. so i need to think of what to eat and go from there. it's so easy to grab 2 donuts for break. grab a pop instead of water. yes...it all has to change.

i wish i could be off of meds but i don't know if or when that will happen. but now that i am seeing that i am causing a lot of it by what i eat i will focus on that and work on that. it's time i got a handle on it and not rely on meds to help. for too long i have thought meds would magically make me all better. ha. i'm still in the same spot i was 10  years ago, well a lot of things are a lot better but anxiety wise the same. so i need to step up to the plate and do this myself. i am the magic that will happen. and with God on my side i can do this. it's time to take control!

changes

today isn't going like it thought it would. i was suppose to help with the outreach at church but it won't happen. i started cymbalta on thursday and today the side effects are taking affect. very tired. light headed some. feels like my head is heavy and stomach issues. i feel like i have failed once again with this anxiety issue crap. i am so tired of letting people down.

pristiq was just not working any more. my anxiety was getting worse. i thought it was maybe the hormones, i think i am experiencing perimenopause, hasn't been confirmed by the dr but i feel it is. but i think it is more than hormones. at times i wonder if i do need meds to control my anxiety and now i know that i definately do. i am so tired of living with this but i know that my healing will come soon. with going back to church, doing daily devotions and reading more christian books, i am feeling better in so many areas. just wish that this would just go away with a snap of my finger but it won't. must hang tough. must keep pushing through even when the strength is no longer there.

sometimes it's so hard to get up in the morning when you know anxiety is lurking. that is when you know it is time for a med change. i've been on so many. after a few years they don't work like they once did and it's time to change. i'm at that place. you spend months wondering if it is hormones or the meds not working. then you know it is time. then you have to take more time for the new meds to kick in. sometimes these meds take me a week to start to feel something, sometimes longer. but usually within 2 to 3 weeks i am feeling a lot better. and in a month i am brand new. i want to hold on to those feelings. i love the feelings when new drugs take affect. the happiness you feel. you feel strong. there is no fighting. you can laugh. you can sing. it is such a wonderful feeling. then over time you have to increase and eventually change the meds altogether. i guess it works for others like this, i'm not sure, but it does for me.

writing in my prayer journal has helped. there are changes that are happening. sometimes those changes have to be in form of medical and not just spiritual. no, i am not the kind of person that thinks god can cure all and we don't need meds. we have dr's for a reason. i'm so thankful things are getting better as these changes are happening. i was out driving the other day and went further than i had in a long time. usually i will stop and go back the next day. i was cruising like i had no fears in the world. it felt great. that was god. he is with me. i probably could have kept going but i don' like pushing things. i probably should push myself to show myself that i can do it. i need to and i think i will.

changes aren't fun but we need them. i hope and pray that this med will work. it's like finding the right drug to help control your blood sugar. you have to deal with the ups and downs of how you body will react but once it is right it is amazing! i will never give up. i know there is something great about to happen. i can never give up. i won't let anxiety beat me. it has in some areas but it won't any more. slowly i am making progress. you can't undo many years of anxiety, fear and panic in one night. you must retrain the brain and with gods help i am.