what's happenin?

the last week in a half has been a bit hard. after i got the stomach flu it seems as if my antidepressant doesn't want to work. i started taking lexapro again, it helped me so much in the past that i decided to go back. i've had one good day the last 2 weeks, actually month, that was last wednesday. i don't know what to take but i will find something that will help. i have had a lot on my mind. when my meds aren't working like they should the thoughts and such go crazy. i obsess and then i become depressed. i want to chance so many things but some i can't and some will take time.

what i want to change? my weight. after losing 74lbs and gaining all but about 15 back, it depresses me to see this body the way it used to be. now that it will be warming up soon i hope i can get out and walk. liam loves to go for walks...bonus! i need to start eating better. and i definately need to stop drinking pepsi!!!

this house. i want out of it very badly! it is the house the ex and i bought. too many memories. i don't feel as if i can move on while i am in this house. things still bother me from time to time. when i went to a new dr i explained my past. i told them that when i would have panic attacks he would yell at me. when i was so scared he would yell and demand me to keep going. if i didn't he would get really mad and not speak to me for a while. i felt scare, alone and a failure. "your ex was verbably abusive." wow...never thought of it that way. i know that if i tried to get on the highway to travel and couldn't get past one point he would make comments. not speak. if i would start to panic and we needed to get somewhere he would yell at me. there was one time we needed to go somewhere before it closed to get something to fix a leak in the bathroom. about half way there i began to panic and wanted to pull over. i remember how he yelled at me and said we had to go if i wanted water in the bathroom. i couldn't pull over. i had to keep going no matter how i felt. we made it there. i walked inside so dizzy and scared. by the time we got home i had to go to bed. i was tired from fighting it and him yelling. so yeah...i want out of this house to feel like i am completely away from him. i don't know how to do it but i need to.

today seems to be going better. liam woke us up at 5:50am. i had been tired all week. i guess fighting the thoughts and such made me exhausted. i took a nap last night, about 2 hours, got up for a while and then went to bed. i feel refreshed. tomorrow i see the med dr and will ask about going on something else. lexapro just isn't cutting it. i get so tired of fighting this crap. the anxiety. the fears. the depression. but i tell you, it is so much easier than it used to be. the nights i feel really depressed i play with liam and feel much better. i know there is a little man and a big man that need me. i push through it and make it. i was going to post several times but feel as if i would be judged and talked about. but there is part of me that thinks i could help a lot of people if i tell my story. still thinking of how to do that.

as for now i am going to end this post and digital scrap a few layouts! it's going to be a great day!!!