so 40 is finally here

and do i feel different? no. today at the dr's office (had to take liam because he has had diahhrea for 5 days now) i filled out a survery of how they are doing. age? oh god...now that was a bit hard to write. i don't feel 40, that is good. i think mentally i will always feel young. physcially is a whole different story lol.

i started to worry when i was around 36 to 37 that i wouldn't have any kids by the time i was 40. 40 would be really hard to accept if i didn't have any kids. i always thought i would have had 2 kids way before now. if i didn't have a child by 40 i wouldn't feel as if life was complete. i didn't want life without kids. but thankfully my life changed when i was almost 39 and liam came into this world.

now 40 isn't as bad as i thought. writing it down was a little hard though. i'm not sure why but it was. i feel as if i am in a whole new league. i want to concentrate more on my family. i want to go back to school to get a degree and hopefully land a good job in the health care field in health care managment. i want to get over the fears and anxiety that rule my life. i want the next 40 years to be different. i want to live. i want to enjoy each day with eric and liam. i want to travel. i want to be the person i was born to be.

i don't know what it is about birthday's that make you want to change. you feel as if you need to or you want to but after a few days it wears off. at least it does for me. this time i hope to change that and make commiment to do all i listed. i just need to make that first step in doing it. i need to have the right thinking. no more negative. when things happen that i don't like it is for a reason. ex...we didn't get the apartment we wanted because we made too much money. uhhh, ok. never had that problem before. so i am trying to be positive about it and know that there is something better out there for us.

i want to have more faith. i want to have more courage. i want to take a chance and run. i want to get in the car, drive, and know that i am safe no matter where i am at. i know it is all mind over matter but my mind thinks that fear is where it is all at. that nothing is safe. though i am so much better than i used to be, the highway still tells me the same. so i have to figure out how to get over that and fast. time is flying by and i don't want to miss any more.

here's to 40 more years with a great husband and a rockin' son!