thinking

the other day at work there was just two of us. we got to talking about things. i told her about my anxiety issues. the ex and how much of a jerk he was. the more i talked about it him the more i realized that maybe all this anxiety and panic was because of him? now, it did start in high school. it did freak me out. and little by little it grew but it seems like it got worse once we got married. there were a few times before i got married that it got bad. it was a few months before we got married. i went to springfield a few times and had panic attacks on the road. i got through them but they didn't force me to stay in my comfort zone as they do now. maybe over the years i just found my comfort zone and stayed there????

i am not trying to blame all of my panic and anxiety on him as i know it started before him. i do find it ironic that it got worse when i was with him. i could never defend myself to him or especially to his family. they could talk smack on me but i could never say one word about how they made me feel. and with the comments they made it was pretty hard not to say something back. after a while i felt like i couldn't be me. i was afraid if i didn't do what i was aimed at doing, that i would disappoint and feel like i failed him. the times where i tried to get on the highway but was so nervous...was it because i was going out of town or because he was in the car and i was afraid of not going as far as he thought i should? was it that because he would sigh and say "if you would just go past where you stopped before" (and i felt like a failure), that once i tried again i started getting nervous as soon as i got in the car that the anxiety had set in before i even began because i was afraid of being a failure? ok...major run on sentence. not sure how i wanted to explain that or how i could that made sense. i think i felt as if i didn't please him enough, that if i didn't go as far as he thought i should, i was a failure. i got nervous at the thought of getting in the car and going. i put off the practicing because i was afraid of not pleasing him. then of course the shouting and making me keep going if i was having a panic attack. i mean seriously, would you want to be in a car with the person driving having a panic attack????

so i am starting to think that it wasn't the "car" that made me panic but it was him. and for some really stupid reason i couldn't go anywhere unless he was with me. no, anxiety and panic makes no sense. why would i want someone with me that did that? but i still felt as if he was my "safe person." why? how? i really don't know. maybe it was because i thought since we were married he should understand and be there for me. that he should show some excitement or praise when i did do something? no...i never got anything of that. there was always a let down no matter how far i had gotten. i gave up years ago on trying to get anywhere. so why can't i go now?

i think it is still in my mind that i will be a failure if i don't make it to a certain area. that if i don't make it to..... i have failed yet again. i don't want to disappoint. there were times i was afraid he would yell and get mad if i didn't go as far as he thought i should. the look at his face...i knew he was disappointed. you know...i never once felt safe around him. i always felt that if we went somewhere out of town that he would leave me there. i never, ever felt safe around him yet he was my safe person. makes no sense what so ever. i type this and think "rhonda...what in the world...." but like i said panic and anxiety make no sense. i guess i wanted to please no matter what it took.

since i have been with eric, i have not had one panic attack in the car. i have not felt like a failure if we went out of town a ways and i had to turn around. and you know...when i did turn around it wasn't because of anxiety, it was because i hadn't went that far in so long that i really didn't know if i could do it. or maybe it was because i always stopped at that point??? but it wasn't a panic attack!!!  it makes me want to try to see how far i can go. i feel safe with him. i feel protected. something i haven't felt it a good 15+ years.

there were so many times i wanted to leave my ex but i didn't know how i could since i felt so limited. i stayed in a very unhappy marriage for too many years based on fears. i never once told anyone how i felt because they thought he was such a great guy. i felt as if i, once again, was a failure because he was so great! and if i left him they would be mad at me.

yes...it has been a while since he left and the divorce. i am happiest i have been in a long time. but i am looking deep inside to try to figure out what is really stopping me or what really stopped me in the past. i need to figure out how to let it all go and go on. yes, i want out of the house we bought. there is a lot of unhappy memories here that i feel i can't let go of unless i leave. but i can't afford to rent a house because they would want a deposit. we can't come up with that much money at once. so i am stuck here for now. but at least i am figuring out things. figuring out what i just wrote about in the car, made a very big impact on me. made me realize somethings that i needed to look at.

in time the mind will repair itself. it will remember that you can be happy. that you can do what you set your mind to do. that you are stronger than you thought you were. it just takes time.