kinda back to square one

but not really. i stopped going to thereapy because i felt we weren't going anywhere, literally. though i did realize that my self-esteem is a major issue, getting on the road was my priority. the last time we went she had eric and i draw a house and a tree. i think she was out of ideas for me lol. not quite sure what it was about and why eric had to draw too, but i felt it wasn't going anywhere. half the time we ended up talking about stuff not even related to why i was there. ugh. so i am hoping to find someone that is more familiar with agoraphobia and that will help me with it. she had me buy workbooks and they do help but i could go buy these and do it myself. i guess having someone to talk to did help. but the only thing that will get my over this is my getting out there and doing it. no amount of time spent talking will help until i get on the road and go.

i do realize the majority of my past is the issue i realize how much of an impact my ex made. i used to think it was all me. i used to think it was all my fault. i used to think that i was the major problem in our marriage. it's hard to get over a way you felt for a good 10 years. but i feel better about myself in a lot of ways. it's just the first step to take. we do get on the road from time to time. there are still these thoughts of "what if the car breaks down...." stupid thoughts that i need to stop. i know i need to retrain my mind to stop the negative. believe me, i am not as negative as i used to be. i figured i would be this obsessive mom but i'm not. i obsess when he runs a fever though. his health is what i worry about, especially after september. i know that he is healthy and strong. i just don't want to go through what we did. i know we don't have to worry about an appendix.... :)

i really want to go to church and meet new people. i want to have fellowship with others. i want to meet people that have a toddler or kids in general. i want the positive to flow through me like it should. i don't know where to go to church. i don't want to go to a non-denomination like i did growing up. i don't believe that you will go to hell over all they believe. i'm not sure what kind of church but something that we all will enjoy. with vacation bible schools popping up now, i'd love for liam to go to one. i want him to have faith and believe and not live in fear like i did nearly my whole life. i will teach him that yes, there is bad in the world but all the good there is totally out weighs the bad. that there is so much out there to see and do. that he can do anything he sets him mind to.

all of this has been on my mind lately. so afraid of failing people, i guess that is why i'm not totally pushing myself. sigh.