g.a.d.

gad=generalized anxiety disorder. yeah, it isn't fun. your mind wonders so many things. "what ifs" are the majority of your thoughts. "what if i fail. what if i can't.... what if i get laughed at." oh i could go on but i won't. i think you all get the idea. it is haunting. those thoughts that don't stop, they can haunt you as they go over and over in your head. i used to have it really bad. a lot of my anxiety, depression and panic is so much better than it is used to be. i still have problems with the driving issue, but all the other is so much better. it's kind of hard to write about things when you aren't going through it, especially depression. i could write really dark, scary thoughts when i am depressed but when the depression isn't there, can't. which is good!!!

so what does g.a.d. feel like? well you are nervous pretty much. you can't focus on anything because you feel off. you have this doom feeling. you have a feeling that something is going to happen. it isn't like when you are expecting a meeting with your boss. that is normal anxiety. it isn't normal to feel the doom, the dark cloud, the unexplained fear you feel. it won't go away automatically. it won't go away no matter what you do. so many times i have said "i feel anxious." "why?" "i have no idea. nothing is bothering me." but it is there. lurking. waiting for you to do something like run. and once you run that run turns into fear and fear into a panic attack. it's like a snowball. as it keeps coming at you it gets bigger and bigger till you feel this fear that is the size of mexico! panic. and now as this happens more and more, the more generalized the anxiety becomes. the more you feel it. the more you can't put a finger on it. the more it becomes "i don't know what is wrong with me. i don't feel sick but i feel as if something is going to happen." you shake. your dizzy. heart is beating faster. yep...then a full blown panic attack. it sucks!

then there is anticipatory anxiety. god i hate that. i will worry and worry for days before something i know is coming up that i don't want it to. i will go over a thousand things that "might happen." by doing this i can't eat. i don't sleep. my mind is focused on what might happen. you can work yourself up into a panic attack by anticipating. i have. i have started a lot of my anxiety just by my thoughts. in fact, it is our thoughts that generally start it all. now there are people that it just happens to out of no where. they panic for no reason. they usually don't go anywhere or do anything because of the fear of panicking.

so how do you stop all of this? once i realized that i was causing a lot of it with my negative thinking, it started to get better. you teach yourself to panic. i did. i taught myself after the first one that what if i die or i can't get back? your words stop your in your path. but once you see that repetition of this, you will see that your mind, your thoughts are what start it all. no, i guess it isn't always your thoughts. if i don't get a good night sleep i feel anxious sometimes. i drink monster energy drink. it pumps me up so much that the energy i feel makes me really anxious.  i had to realized that excitement and anxiety have the same feeling. i had to ask myself "am i excited or anxious?" if you realize what is going on in your mind and around you, you can make it better. there are medications you can take to help if it is out of control. sometimes you can't control it no matter what you do. meditation. deep breathing. keep elements in reducing or stopping the anxiety. i really need to meditate more. when i do i feel a lot better.

i wish i had all the answers to the anxiety puzzle but i don't. i am still dealing with it. i had a voice tell me "you know, you look for scriptures, quotes, etc that have fear or anxiety in it to help you. you need to start with positive words to look up. joy, peace, comfort. these will take away the fears." when i first started on the internet my username was panicwoman. someone brought up a very good point. "you know, you are giving it more power by naming it and by giving it as a username you are accepting it." i changed it after that. anxiety, panic and depression....you really have to be careful to what you say to yourself and claim. it all makes the difference in how you feel. once you start being more positive and get rid of the negative, you will live a better life. i got rid of a negative marriage and job to find peace, love and happiness. i was scared to death by doing it but i am so much better now than i was!

if you are reading this and want to talk or anything email me at liamsmommy@cox.net i would love to help in anyway that i can.