need to get this off my chest

i am so tired of trying to make others happy. now this is in no way related to my marriage, i'm not talking about trying to make eric happy. it's others. it's people i work with. it's people that i thought were my friends or in one case, family.

i never had a lot of friends growing up. i was the shy type. kept to myself. never said a lot unless i really knew you. i remember in 5th grade taking jolly ranchers to school so kids would like me. from then on i felt like i  needed to buy friendships. i would do things to make people happy and in return i didn't get the response that i would. i still feel that way today. you'd think at 40 years old i would tell people to screw off but i can't.

i keep things inside. i let people walk on me and after so many footprints on my back, i fall. i get mad. i curse. i say things that don't come out right. i'm considered a bitch because of what i say. i am considered a bitch because i say what is on my mind. how come that is? how come when a woman says what is on her mind she is a bitch? so it is ok that others take advantage of you but not ok to say something?

you learn who your friends are. you learn who you think are your friends but aren't. they are just there because they know you will do this or that and can count on it. well after today i have had it. it's no longer about fairness, it is about taking care of me. i have been stressed out at work because of a lot of different stuff going on. it isn't getting better. i get no help but other's expect me to help them or clean up after them. they leave their stuff and don't get in trouble. no more. i've had it. no one says anything to them so why should i care???? if they are already thinking i am a bitch by expressing my opinion then wait till the real bitch comes out?

i'm tired of stomach pains due to stress. i'm tired of people not respecting others. it's all me, people. you don't have to like it, i don't expect you to. but i will stand up for myself now regardless what label you put on me. i will start giving back what i get. you give me positive, then you will see positive. you give me negative, i will return it. it's called respect. if you don't respect me then why should i respect you?