Tuesday, December 10, 2013

keep going

keep going. my gosh that is hard to do at times. as ironic as it seems, it seems like my anxiety has increased when i started back to church and getting closer to God again. i believe it is satan and his evil that is trying to stop me from reading the word and going forth on my new walk with the Lord. i stopped going to church though. i lost faith in "church". i had a bad experience when i was in high school and once again. so no more church for me unless God shows me that i need it and where it will be. people that i thought understood my anxiety, apparently don't. but i am not giving up my faith and believing that God will heal me and help me through this.

i always looked for the right book, person, quote, etc to help me get over this. you can read all the books on anxiety but they all pretty much say the same. i believe that God is working a healing in me but I believe he is making the anxiety to come so i will work through it. see, anxiety will go away if you fight it and show it that you will win and be ok once it is gone. i've known this but have been too chicken to do this. i was too scared to let it happen and go with it. i know i have to do this. i know i have to let it come and experience the anxiety. i need to show it that i will not be scared of it any more. i've missed out on so much because of my fear of a panic attack. lately i've been taking more klonopin than i have been. one panic here or there results in "oh what if it happens again. well, let's take this and it won't." ha. i've found out lately that i can get bad anxiety even if i do take a klonopin. so we fight this. we bring this to head and punch the crap out of it with positive words. with strength and courage. with power. with determination.

i'm so tired of being stuck in this rut. i'm tired of looking at situations that may cause me to be anxious. geeee, rhonda...get over it. it isn't the situation it is YOU!!!! those thoughts come and bam....anxiety. panic. i friggin hate anxiety and i have ran and hid for too long. now that i have a fight force behind me and in me, i am ready to tackle this head on and fight like a woman! :) a strong, powerful woman of God. a God that is always with me and by me. a God that stands next to me and tells me "you can do this." I know I need God in  my life in so many ways, but i need him more to fight the anxiety and beat it.

this 10 to 20 seconds of intense fear has stopped me from doing so much in my life. i've missed out family things, friend things. LIFE. here i am 42 and where have i really been in the last 20  years? the past is behind me. i am stronger now than i have ever been. i want to be a normal person. normal as in: take my son to dinner, just us; go shopping in other towns for christmas; go to family reunions; go to my inlaws; pick up liam if eric is working later than me and get ice cream. the things i can't do because the fear is greater than the want. and that fear has been greater for too long.

my life is half over. i don't want to waste any more time. there are times at work i get nervous and panic arises because i can't find eric. my god...i am so sick of that. i'm sick of the fear controlling me. i have to bring the fear, let it come, let it pass and not react to it other than, "ha ha i kicked your butt." that is out it has to be. that is how it will be. i know i will need my meds because anxiety is apart of me and always will be, but i need to react to it like i should and not run from it. darn it...it's time to live.