Sunday, June 24, 2012

i did it.

it's been a very long time since i have seen that sign. it brought so much joy to see that. i've been saying for many years now that i am tired of being stuck and i will change. well this time is is going to happen. we go out at least 3 times a week, if not more, and get on the highway. my anxiety hasn't gotten too high. i am not forcing myself. i go as far as i want and then turn around. but seeing this sign brings me so much hope. hope that i can stop the fears and live my life like i should.

no one understands what it is like unless you have it. you can say "oh just go and it will be ok" but it won't. one thing i realized is that i need to "trust" the road again. I need to trust that nothing will happen. i need to trust that the highway is safe. i need to trust myself to know what is real danger and what isn't. i need to trust that people will help if my car is along the side of the highway. i lost a lot of trust for many years because of my last marriage. yeah, i do blame a lot of my anxiety issues on it. funny how i leave a bad marriage and a bad job and 1.5 years later i am a mom. the stresses from my life wasn't letting me have a baby. now, i am glad i didn't have a child with him but we tried for many years and had procedures done. my point is that that relationship was toxic is many ways. i lost trust in myself because i let him down so many times while i was trying to get out there and go. i lost trust in being so close to someone because they screamed and yelled when i was so scared and lost.

but that is all in the past. it's taken a long time to realize somethings. i guess the mind and heart have to heal before you can go on to the next step. you can't just forget it and go on. too many years of what i went through to just "let it go." sorry...won't happen. but i have let go and i do know now that i can do anything i set my mind to. it's so much easier when the person sitting next to you loves you unconditionally. i love pointing out things to liam as we are on the highway and his expression. that helps me get my mind off of where i am and what i am doing. i'm more at ease.

i am beating agoraphobia. there was a time when i thought i couldn't. now i am seeing that i can. this is how bad it used to be. when i worked at taco station and the ex at domino's, when i would get off i would go a block down to wash my car. i was so afraid of washing it because what if i panicked and i had soap on the car. i couldn't leave. that block seemed like a long ways away. a few times i didn't even wash my car. was getting bad.

today i can do so much more. the only thing in my way is the highway. i still worry about what if the car breaks down. i don't know anyone in joplin really. what if we get stuck over there and i have a panic attack. the what if's are still there. working on them.

i will be posting more on here and this does help get it out. a lot of things go through my head and maybe if someone reads this they can understand things and maybe someone will offer to help or maybe someone will be supportive all the way. all of which i need, especially the support. i know there are a lot of people pushing for me and are there for me, that is awesome and i am so grateful.

Friday, June 08, 2012

working on it

i'm working on it. i'm working on putting the fears behind me and heading into a new direction. i'm so tired of wanting to do things and letting fear stop me. i'm tired of sitting back and letting the world pass by me. i want to see new things. old things. things i haven't seen in years. i want to take pictures. lots of pictures. i want to take liam to parks. to races. to everything a little boy would want to see. i want to go places with eric. i want us to have a vacation. i want us to visit family. i've waited so many years to have the life i have now, now i want to get past the only thing that is now holding me back.

as i said in my last post i stopped thereapy. it wasn't going anywhere. and it is up to me to make the move to get out and go. so the last few days we've been getting on the highway and going. i'm going more each time we go out. i'm going forward to doing what i used to do. i'm looking forward to shopping, to eating in amazing restaurants. i just want to live the life i was meant to live. god didn't give me what he did to keep me back now. i am more deteremined now than ever. i see people on instagram and facebook going to awesome places, i want to go too. i may not be going where they are but i'm going to the places that i want to go to. for the first time in a long time i am excited. i am ready and i am willing to face the fears and go. i know it will not be easy. i know there will be more panic in my life but i can and will control it. i will make the best of the rest of my life.

here's to the start of stopping the only thing that is holding me back now. :)

Saturday, June 02, 2012

kinda back to square one

but not really. i stopped going to thereapy because i felt we weren't going anywhere, literally. though i did realize that my self-esteem is a major issue, getting on the road was my priority. the last time we went she had eric and i draw a house and a tree. i think she was out of ideas for me lol. not quite sure what it was about and why eric had to draw too, but i felt it wasn't going anywhere. half the time we ended up talking about stuff not even related to why i was there. ugh. so i am hoping to find someone that is more familiar with agoraphobia and that will help me with it. she had me buy workbooks and they do help but i could go buy these and do it myself. i guess having someone to talk to did help. but the only thing that will get my over this is my getting out there and doing it. no amount of time spent talking will help until i get on the road and go.

i do realize the majority of my past is the issue i realize how much of an impact my ex made. i used to think it was all me. i used to think it was all my fault. i used to think that i was the major problem in our marriage. it's hard to get over a way you felt for a good 10 years. but i feel better about myself in a lot of ways. it's just the first step to take. we do get on the road from time to time. there are still these thoughts of "what if the car breaks down...." stupid thoughts that i need to stop. i know i need to retrain my mind to stop the negative. believe me, i am not as negative as i used to be. i figured i would be this obsessive mom but i'm not. i obsess when he runs a fever though. his health is what i worry about, especially after september. i know that he is healthy and strong. i just don't want to go through what we did. i know we don't have to worry about an appendix.... :)

i really want to go to church and meet new people. i want to have fellowship with others. i want to meet people that have a toddler or kids in general. i want the positive to flow through me like it should. i don't know where to go to church. i don't want to go to a non-denomination like i did growing up. i don't believe that you will go to hell over all they believe. i'm not sure what kind of church but something that we all will enjoy. with vacation bible schools popping up now, i'd love for liam to go to one. i want him to have faith and believe and not live in fear like i did nearly my whole life. i will teach him that yes, there is bad in the world but all the good there is totally out weighs the bad. that there is so much out there to see and do. that he can do anything he sets him mind to.

all of this has been on my mind lately. so afraid of failing people, i guess that is why i'm not totally pushing myself. sigh.

Friday, June 01, 2012


here a few layouts i've done lately. can't remember if i put a couple up so if you've seen them here you get a double treat! :)

that's all for now as the dude just came up and wants me to read to him. :)