Saturday, January 31, 2009

anxiously awaiting the mailman

for my w2 that is! hopefully tara didn't lie and it did get mailed when she said. *fingers crossed*. Not much to post today. Have to go in at 2. tomorrow i am learning how to be a cashier. if i like it i will see if i can switch from my area to that. tired of the bs and the people that don't do shit, suck up to bosses and get their way. wait...that is everywhere but with such a huge store maybe i can find my happy place...which i thought was softlines but....

eric's mom will be down this wednesday to scrap. it was going to be last wednesday but the roads were bad from the snow and ice we got. i haven't felt like making much lately so maybe this will give me a scoot.

crap, didn't realize it is 12:30...need to get ready for work.

Friday, January 30, 2009

flickr friday!

yep, had to go to flickr and put in pink, orange and green for some flickr lovin. these colors will be very important to me in the months to come :)

1. Color Your Life, 2. a little less conversation, 3. Silky Poppy, 4. E' l'ora dell'aperitivo!, 5. Tasty Technicolor Treats, 6. The Colors of the Life, 7. Linda's 65th Birthday Cake, 8. 12 - Jan, 9. orbit snail set 1

Off to work today. After having 3 days off i am actually ready to go back. i don't go in till 5:30, so i am dropping eric off and then heading to hastings for a coffee and read a couple of magazines.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

beware, pictures ahead!

yesterday we finally ventured out into the cold and snow to get some groceries. I got this shot of eric as he was cleaning the windshield off.

I love the view from my scrapbook room. the old room was small. it did have windows but the shades never went up as because the view was not a good one, so i put up pictures from magazines and such on it. but now i have this huge window that over looks the porch and street...did i mention this before? well, here's a shot i took.

i have been wanting to do something crafty lately that didn't involve paper. sometimes i need a break. i was looking at blogs and got this awesome idea from Homegrown Hospitality, click on link to see what the idea was and here are my pictures:

that is a cloud at the top. camera didn't do a good job of showing it.

these were so fun to make. i have one more i want to make and then i will decide what to do with them. i think i will link them all together with ribbon and hang them on the wall. when i got this idea i had to go raid mom's fabric since i knew she would have some good stuff. i really am thinking about starting some sort of quilt. i have my grandmother's sewing machine in my scrapbook room, so maybe i will put it to use.

i love bargins and amercian crafts. went to big lots yesterday and found some goodies. there were a lot more rubons but i bought the ones that i thought i would use the most, yes must be thrifty and wise in this economy!

the jar contained hearts. i totally love hearts. thought of buying another jar but....
here's kali, yes feeling a 100% over her uterus ordeal, sitting on the step ladder in my scrapbook room. i need to put up some more pictures but i lost the hammer. how did i lose a hammer? how does anyone lose a hammer?

so there you have it. my last 2 days in pictures. today: cleaning, go to the library and clean. clean. clean. clean!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

very thankful

lately i have been worried about money. things i can't afford and want. wanting things that i don't really need but i'm still dealing with the buying things to make me happy issue (not sure how long that will take). then there is a reminder at work and from a book.

for the last 4 to 5 days there has been a homeless couple that stays at walmart. i don't know if they sleep, never seen them do anything but walk around. i hear they are there at night, overnight, and during the day. pretty much all the time. i don't know much of their story other than what patty told me. but this got me to thinking. as i walked away from listening to patty tell me about them, i was thinking how thankful i am for all that i have. so what if i can't afford this or that right now. so what if we have about $100 bucks till next thursday. we have a home. we have heat. we have water. i have all i need and ever wanted.

i finished tori spellings book last night, Story Telling, that also made me realize i have all that i want. our stories are almost the same....mine doesn't include a famous father and lots of money. she got married and wasn't happy. met the man of her dreams while she was married. went into debt buying clothes and such to have the feeling of love and being wanted. as i read i knew why she was one of my favorite actresses. we have a lot in common. her wedding to dean was nothing but them on a beach. no family or friends. a simple wedding. now i don't want my 2nd wedding to be simple like that, but it was all about them and nothing else. no lingering pasts or thoughts of "is he really the one."

so my point to all of this is....i have all i ever wanted in my life. yeah i know that i can't get out of town due to my agoraphobia. some how whenever i say i have all i want, i feel people are saying "but you can't even leave town." i know it is just me, maybe they do i don't know, but one day i will get out because i don't want to miss one more day of this beautiful life that i have. eric is the best thing that has ever happened to me. i was married for 17 years but for the last 10 years i felt trapped, yes due to the anxiety issues. i relied on him for way too much. i let my fears rule my life and my decisions. i stayed in a shitty job that i wanted to quit so bad but since i couldn't drive around by myself i stayed and put up with the bullshit and drama. my life was a huge stress bomb waiting to exploid. then eric came into it and i knew i had to change things.

what i went through and what i am going through now are are teaching me and making me a stronger person. it takes time to recover from anxiety issues. but the rest of me is almost at a full recovery. sometimes it take little things in life to make you see that you have it all. a simple book. people that you see and then realize that you have it made. we need these things. we need to see that our lives are wonderful. yeah so i can't afford to go and buy what i used to but i know it was because i bought that stuff to fill a void. and you know what...i couldn't afford to buy that stuff then either. i put us into debt, bankruptcy, because of how i felt inside. i never admitted to anyone why we went bankrupt but yeah it was me. i did the bills because i knew he wouldn't allow me to buy one thing. i'd put off this bill and that one to buy something. yeah, i am paying for it now but it made me see what i was doing. another lesson learned in life, check!

i got the house. i never felt like this house was a home. it was a place to stay. but i am changing that and i am going to make it a home. i hope by the end of the year to have ever room painted and redone. an erasing and painting over to forget the past and move on. I don't want to forget the past persay, but i don't want to have the reminders that are in here. i will to an extent but painting and redecorating will make it feel like a new start and that will help the process.

i hope in writing this that i may have changed a little something in people that read this. i hope they realize how much they have and to be thankful for all of it. i have a great family. everyone is healthy. great friends. i couldn't ask for anything more. i have been taken care of by god and i know he will continue to watch over me, take care of me and send me little signals along the way as a reminder to be thankful and appreciate what i have.
peace and love!

eta....I have to add this quote I found at a blog:
"An adult is one who has lost the grace, the freshness, the innocence of the child,who is no longer capable of feeling pure joy, who makes everything complicated,who spreads suffering everywhere, who is afraid of being happy, and who,because it is easier to bear, has gone back to sleep. The wise man is a happy child." -Arnaud Desjardins

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

no work for me

i was bad and called into work. i didn't want to get out in this crap again. it has started snowing again. i hear 2 to 4 inches. who knows. all i know is that i don't want to get out in this. i hate driving on the ice. my anxiety goes up. panic sets in. i'm better off at home! lol

today's agenda: work on scrapbook room. find usb cord for my camera. get some of the boxes out of the living room, wait...that is on eric's agenda. scrapbook. play some cards. relax and watch the snow fall. one thing i really like about my scrapbook room is the big front window that over looks the porch and street. i'm actually liking sitting here with the blinds open and watching the snow fall. right now it is light. i do like to watch the snow fall. if i don't have to go anywhere then i am all for snow but if i have to go to work or something then i hate it. weird i know!

off to fix lunch and do something productive!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

ohhhh my!!!

ok, yesterday was my first day in jewerly, loved it! wish there was an opening there. i hope they send me over there more often. saw this ring that i absolutely L.O.V.E! Had to show eric. this won't be good working over there lol.

still colder than cat poop. in fact, winter storm watch...yuck! had a weird dream that i was shaving my legs in the car. there was a cup of water in a cup holder that stuck to the window. eric kept driving in circles. what the heck does that mean? i shaved my legs the other day. it isn't like they are still hairy and makes eric sleep closer to the edge of the bed.

haven't taken a picture in the last few days! must do that today. but of what????
off to package up stamps to send off to new owners.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

i want spring. i want spring.

it is so could out right now. i am tired of the cold, dreary days. bring on warmth! we had a taste of it thursday but just one day :( i need to color my hair but i don't know if i want to stand around for 30 minutes with a wet head. the auctions were very successful, very happy about that. still waiting on 9 of them to pay. i'll be working in jewelry today, fun!!! i haven't worked there before so this will be fun and a nice change. next saturday i will start cashiering. more hours, yay!

need to find something to do. i'm a bit bored.

Friday, January 23, 2009

reality tv

last night we watched "private practice." it has become one of my favorite shows. this episode dealt with a woman with agoraphobia. She went in for treatment to be able to go to her daughter's wedding. the therapist had to leave for a bit and came back to find her in the closet. she was too ashamed to come out. felt like she failed everyone. that episode hit home.

no one knows what it is like to have agoraphobia unless you have dealt with it, it is an illness that is very had to explain. people don't realize why you can't leave the house, town, state, etc. the everyday things that people can do, we can't do. i'd love to be able to go to work on my own and not have eric go 2 hours early, if i have to go in at 2 that day. i'd love to be able to just get in the car and go anywhere, but i can't.

i feel like a complete failure. i feel like i failed my whole family. and now that i am going through a seperation that will lead to a divorce, i feel like i failed them because...well i do. we all used to go out to 505 for drinks and play pool. not any more. it's like me leaving him was bad for everyone or something. i don't think they understand. we used to go all the time unless something came up. yes, i did start working on tuesdays but why couldn't we switch it to wednesdays? i am happier than i have been in so many years but all has stopped with my family it seems. i don't get it. it's like they loved him more than me.

i don't like to get close to people because i am afraid i will fail them too. i am afraid i will fail eric and his family. i am afraid i will keep failing no matter what i do. people look at what i can't do as to what i can do. it brings me down. you think i asked to be this way? if i would have known better 20 years ago i would have gotten help to get over this so it wouldn't be a burden to me or anyone else. however, 20 years ago there wasn't a name to this. there wasn't a cure or a drug. i don't like getting close to anyone, friends or family, in fear that i will fail them. i have missed countless graduations, weddings, parties, all due to fear and anxiety. not a day goes by that i don't feel like a failure and regret all that i missed.

i back off. i don't let all of me out. i am afraid to. i am afraid to show my real self that they may think i am weird or a freak. people at work probably think i am a bitch. a couple has told eric that i looked like i was unapproachable. it isn't that i don't want to be your friend, it is because i fear what you will learn about me and judge me for it. i already hear the, "he comes in 2 hours before he's suppose to, to bring her to work. she's says after." i'm so humiliated. i just want to tell everyone why so they will shut up and leave me alone or at least stop the comment. it makes things worse when no one invites me to go anywhere. i don't blame them. being how negative i am and all, oh and eric would have to come along...but is that such a bad thing??? but if you would give me a chance and see what the real me is like, that stress does get me down, that i still get depressed once in a while because life is still going on. even though i am happier, things in life happen. it's life for godsakes! i worry about bills. hours at work. my house. my pets. my parents. am i a good enough girlfriend. if i am good enough period.

i have told myself so many times that i am ready to get on with my life and i truly am right now. until now, i haven't had a real reason to really get out and get on with my life. i was stuck in a marriage that made me so unhappy. i sat at home and was on the computer reading blogs about how i wanted their life. i sat at home wondering how i could overcome all of this to get on with my life and be happy. now that it is finally here and i am in the relationship i want and love, i want to move on because now i have a reason to move on.

i don't know how to get over my issues of failure. i know i need to turn around my negative thinking. actually i have and it is getting better, but i am still working on it. things are still happening in my life that i am trying to fix: a $10,000 medical bill for starters. so give me a break. maybe people should look how they are failing me for a change? maybe then i will see that they do care and do want to be around me. i will say this, if it wasn't for eric my life would be over. that man saved my life. my depression was terrible. my life seemed hopeless. now i am starting to be the person i want to be. so please...forget my past and help me to get through this and get on with my life. stop judging me because i have agoraphobia, anxiety and panic and see what i am a real person with feelings. i need all the support i can get!

Thursday, January 22, 2009


ahhh, finally the day has come! was beginning to think it never would. lol. need to get a few more things for my scrapbook room and it should be done tonight! debating if i want to put another table in here. i think i do. i can see myself in here a lot, my little piece of heaven. what i would love to put in here would be a futon but no room. probably not a good idea anyways because i would never leave. eric would never see me, only at work.

I've been doing a picture a day for 21 days now and I am finding myself looking forward to taking a picture. I am coming up with ways I can scrap what I took, if I want to. I really think this will help my scrapbooking.

Can't think of anything else right now. Working on a layout while the bathroom warms up for my shower then off to get checks and then party! well no party, just a little fun.

color inspiration #39

Loved the colors this week! My camera how ever didn't like trying to take pictures of this. The red is much deeper than it shows. The "bling" are green, doesn't look like it. They are from My and My Big Ideas. Stamp is from a Close To My Heart set called "Heartthrob."

Thanks for looking. Have fun making cards!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

flickr loving

since i am redoing my scrapbook room, aka studio, i went to flickr to get some ideas.

1. New craft studio - WIP, 2. WIP: new studio, 3. New studio redo, 4. window above studio work table, 5. KEEP CALM AND HAVE A CUPCAKE by Everyday is a Holiday 16x20 hand painted canvas, 6. studio view 2008!, 7. Gallery Wall in the Studio, 8. Chrysti's Studio, 9. my studio: the analog room

ahhh, a day to myself

i'm still dealing with this cough. it is better. i don't have much energy. right now i am trying to figure out if i want to make a card or a layout. can't get motivated. went in and asked eric if i should be doing something besides sitting lol. this last week i gained 13 hours at work. it is the week i only have 20. after friday i will have 33. go me! thought of calling in yesterday but the bill for the vet told me otherwise.

not sure what i want to do today. i know i want to work on my room and get some stuff hung up. i need to get stuff moved out of the other room so eric can put his stuff in there. we have a week to get things out of living room, his boxes that is, before his mom comes to scrapbook with me. totally looking forward to that. speaking of scrapbooking, did you know paris hilton has a scrapbook line debuting at cha? omg! yeah heard about it on a blog. it will be interesting to see what she has to offer.

i joined a stampin up monthly! going to go to crops again starting next month. a lady that used to work for my mom and dad at their donut shop sells SU. I love their stamps. i've been buying close to my heart lately but i am not a fun of their acrylic stamps. if there is a big space for ink to go, it looks like watercolor. it hate it. no matter what i do to the stamp it does that. i even tried using a small ink cube, same thing! i've always wanted to sell SU too. i love their designs and what they have to offer with their stamps. i am really looking forward to the crops.

think i will go and work on something. not sure what yet but something will get done today.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

productive day so far

i got 27 stamp sets on ebay. i got a load of laundry in. getting ready to shower and still have 2.5 hours before work! i only work 4.5 hours tonight. my hours did go up, not sure if i posted that. i will be a cashier once a week to get that extra few hours to bump me up to where i should be. yay!!!! tomorrow's plans???? hang pictures in scrap room. bring more stuff in from old room. scrap or make cards. have some fun with eric. relax. enjoy the day! ahhh, i can't wait!

Monday, January 19, 2009

Here comes the new

yesterday i took off the 20 decals off the back of the jeep and the tire cover. still need to take off a few more decals on the sides and the stuff on the antenna. here is lily in all of her tony glory!

A close of up of each one.

all is calming down now. kali is feeling a lot better. eating more and more. i am feeling better. i'm not coughing as much until i go to sleep. my room is coming along. going to sell some stamps to hlep pay for kali's vet bill. really looking forward to wed and thur.

Friday, January 16, 2009

up with a cold

it's 2am and i am up with a cold. 2nd time this winter that i have had a cold. thankfully my throat doesn't hurt.

It is sad to hear that Simple Scrapbooks will be no more after the May/June issue. I love that magazine. It will be interesting to see how they incorporate ss with Creating Keepsakes. I'm sure we will see a lot of this this year. Fiskars has already let go some of their lines, going to tools only. I hope it will be a smooth transaction for all people involved at both companies.

off to read some blogs and hopefully get some sleep. We're getting up around 9 to go get kali. i can't wait till she is back home and laying on me while i sleep.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

ok, winter sucks!

I am not a winter kind of gal. i like warmth. flowers that bloom. bbqs. walking outside. going to the park. wind in my face while driving. not this bundle up. pile on 5 layers. no leaves on trees. icy roads. snow. see my breath in the air. red nose and cheeks. wind that feels as if you are going to be split into. staying in the house because its too cold to go outside. winter is not for me. you can have it. i'll take 70 degree weather any day, all day, of the year!

I ordered some Tony decals for my car. As soon as it is warm outside I am going to take off all the 20 stuff and replace it with 14. Here is one of the decals:

i can't wait for racing season to start!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

color inspiration #38

Love the colors that Kristina picked this time! Such fun colors that I had to use the cupcake set that I got last week from Close To My Heart.

Now off to do a layout then housework!

not much is new

today is major cleaning day. had a leak in the laundry room yesterday from a rusted joint. woke up to water everywhere. so today i need to get the clothes and such that was on the floor and clean in there. would have yesterday but worked. my hours are finally up again! i am working in the jewelry department in a couple of weeks. that will be fun. i love jewelry. the jewelry department is the only department that has layaway...kinda scarey!

kali isn't eating. been a week since she ate. she drinks water and the juice off of food, well barely the juices. i need to take her to the vet but 1. she hasn't been out of the house since i got her in like 1996. 2. if i have to give her pills there is no way i will be able to. she will scatch the crap out of me. she had this before and it went away. hoping it will. if not i will take her to the vet and get it checked out.

got up a bit early today to scrap before the cleaning begins. eric's boxes have been in the front bedroom, aka soon to be my scrapbook room for a couple of months. since his mom is coming down on the 28th to scrap, i have to get that done asap! i need another long table for my printer and computer and then have one table just for the scrapbooking. but not sure what i will do. to create and have fun!

Monday, January 12, 2009

i hate it!

anxiety. getting nervous. scared for no reason. been this way for over 20 years. i was off last night. had a great time by myself. went to walgreens. went to big lots. went to hastings for my usual sunday coffee and reading of magazines. my anxiety was up a bit. i sometimes take a klonopin because i am alone but today i didn't want to. i felt great and didn't feel the need. fast forward to 11pm. i went back to walmart to meet eric for his break and then read some magazines while i wait for him to get off work. sometimes if they are done with their job they go to another department and help till they get off. so last night the fear hit. sometimes i don't like not knowing where he will be. the place is big. i know it like the back of my hand by now but fear and anxiety don't give a shit. they don't care what you know. it all leaves as soon as they come.

i texted bethani to see if she would come up and talk while i waited. she did. i felt like an idiot. i feel like an idiot a lot with the anxiety issues. no one understands unless they go through it themselves. the people i know with it are all online, at least that i know of...some are afraid to admit it. there is no one here that fully understands what i go through when this hits. some can say they do, maybe they do i don't know, but have you ever stopped your life to give into this relm of life that compeles you to stop living and live by every fear it puts into you?

i feel like a burden. i feel like a void. i feel like no one wants to be around me because i am a freak. i feel like there is no way to end this. it is a powerful fight that i am winning every day but sometimes i just want to give up on it all because the fight will be for the rest of my life. it's like living with diabetes or some illness where you have to monitor every day. take meds for it. go to the dr. it's a life long road of up and downs.

i know i am better than the anxiety. i know that i can beat it and live a full life. sometimes i just don't want to do one more thing and let it win. it's hard to fight the fear when the anxiety keeps going making you run in the darkness looking for your way to the key to open up the door to get out. it's like a haunted house. you are fine when you are outside the door. what waits inside is unknown. you know it will be scarey. you know that you will scream. but you go in anways because you have to. you have to find out that you can make it through and live.

this is how i feel today. wishing all of this would magically go away forever.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

It's so good!

to be scrapbooking again that is! i so miss the message boards, the chats, posting in galleries, making things, socializing. it has been a part of my life for 9 years now! 9 years scrapbooking! one hobby i have stuck with, amazing lol. for months i felt like i couldn't scrap because my life had some major turns in it. now with things adjusting, i feel more at ease and the ideas are flooding my head. i am taking a picture a day for 365 days, that is helping. i am active on a message board. life in the scrapbook world is good again. ahhh, it is great!

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

a new year!

well it has been a while since i blogged. for a while i thought all i did was whine and whine. but now things are changing. i am scrapbooking and card making again. i am making the most of each day that i can. i want to make this year the best year of my life. i chose a word for this year and it is "rediscover." i want to rediscover life. i want to rediscover the person that is lost due to letting fear and anxiety rule her. i'm still trying to think of the first steps to take to do all of this. it will come. slowly but surely i will figure out the steps to take to get back on the road and travel!

tomorrow i am going to crop and asking the gals at Scrapbook Dreamer to join me. I plan on giving away a rak. So come back tomorrow to see what it is. it so refreshing to let the creativity flow again. i am one happy gal!

here are a few layouts I have done:

i am doing a picture a day for the year. It is posted at my myspace page. I am hoping this will help my photography skills and give me things to scrap about. to get ready for work. uggg