Monday, January 12, 2009

i hate it!

anxiety. getting nervous. scared for no reason. been this way for over 20 years. i was off last night. had a great time by myself. went to walgreens. went to big lots. went to hastings for my usual sunday coffee and reading of magazines. my anxiety was up a bit. i sometimes take a klonopin because i am alone but today i didn't want to. i felt great and didn't feel the need. fast forward to 11pm. i went back to walmart to meet eric for his break and then read some magazines while i wait for him to get off work. sometimes if they are done with their job they go to another department and help till they get off. so last night the fear hit. sometimes i don't like not knowing where he will be. the place is big. i know it like the back of my hand by now but fear and anxiety don't give a shit. they don't care what you know. it all leaves as soon as they come.

i texted bethani to see if she would come up and talk while i waited. she did. i felt like an idiot. i feel like an idiot a lot with the anxiety issues. no one understands unless they go through it themselves. the people i know with it are all online, at least that i know of...some are afraid to admit it. there is no one here that fully understands what i go through when this hits. some can say they do, maybe they do i don't know, but have you ever stopped your life to give into this relm of life that compeles you to stop living and live by every fear it puts into you?

i feel like a burden. i feel like a void. i feel like no one wants to be around me because i am a freak. i feel like there is no way to end this. it is a powerful fight that i am winning every day but sometimes i just want to give up on it all because the fight will be for the rest of my life. it's like living with diabetes or some illness where you have to monitor every day. take meds for it. go to the dr. it's a life long road of up and downs.

i know i am better than the anxiety. i know that i can beat it and live a full life. sometimes i just don't want to do one more thing and let it win. it's hard to fight the fear when the anxiety keeps going making you run in the darkness looking for your way to the key to open up the door to get out. it's like a haunted house. you are fine when you are outside the door. what waits inside is unknown. you know it will be scarey. you know that you will scream. but you go in anways because you have to. you have to find out that you can make it through and live.

this is how i feel today. wishing all of this would magically go away forever.

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