Sunday, November 27, 2011

christmas cards or bust!

so here it is almost midnight sunday night and i am wide awake....probably because i was sick on saturday and spent all of saturday in bed, plus sunday night. so with all of the sleep i am wide awake. bored. don't know what to do. kinda quiet in the house since everyone else is asleep. i did work with a few card templates that i got from becky higgins. not sure if i will use any of these or what.

i sure wish we could have gotten a picture with all of us looking at the camera, but with a toddler that spies the play ground..not going to happen! so which one of these do you like?

Thursday, November 24, 2011

so thankful

what am i thankful for today:
liam surviving his appendix rupturing. just a little under 3 months ago we were starting this rollercoaster of emotions. sitting at the hospital wondering what is wrong with him. but thank God he saved him from what could have turned out very bad. i am very thankful that his doctor was there on labor day. i believe she saved his life. the other dr never did any xrays. all weekend we sat and wondered what was up. god....what a very trying time for all of us.

for eric. i don't know how he puts up with me lol. he is so patient. so loving. so understanding. he saved me. for him i am truly thankful.

for my parents and in-laws. they are always there for us no matter what. very thankful for them and their love.

my job. though i hate it 80% of the time...ok..not that much lol, i am thankful to have a job in this economy. it may not be the ideal job but being apart of the walmart family is a good place to be. they took care of us while we were on leave taking care of liam. they helped us financially and with food. thank you store #72.

my friends. long and short. no friendship goes unnoticed and thanked by me.

my sitter. margaret is a wonderful sitter for liam. she is just amazing! so thankful that she is great and a block away! score!

my dogs. the poor things don't get the attention they used to since the dude came along. dottie sue and vinny mac have been with me for a long time. they are my furbabies through and through.

my beautiful, wonderful life. i am so thankful that God gave me what i needed in the chapter of my life. without what i have now i will be lost. everything is complete.

Monday, November 21, 2011

i wish i could explain

i wish i could explain what anxiety disorder is like. what a panic attack is like. what having such depression that all you can do is stare at a wall with a numb feeling. but i can't. i can't compare it to anything. i've read a lot of book and websites and the only thing that comes close to explaining a panic attack is this:
imagine you are standing on a highway facing north. the traffic is going south. you see this semi coming at you. your heart starts racing. you start to freak out. you are numb. you want to scream but you are so afraid you can't. you shake. you sweat. you don't see anything else around you but that semi that is coming at you full force. you stand in place because you have no where to go. both sides are there to go to but you are lost. you are blinded by the lights coming at you. you think you are going to die. the way your heart is beating scares you more than that semi. the way your legs are so weak you can't run, walk or crawl. then all the sudden, right as it is in front of you it goes right around you. you live.

afterwards you are numb. you are scared to get on that road again because what if there is another semi that comes at you? what if this time it doesn't move and hits you? you are tired and want to take a nap because your body has just been through so much. you can't walk because you are tired. you felt like that semi literally hit you.

so one day you come to that highway. cars are going by. trucks. your heart starts to race. you start to get shakey legs. you start to sweat. you are afraid that a semi will come around the corner. so you turn around. you can't find out of a semi is there. it was too scarey going through what you did. i mean, you could have died. that is what a panic attack is like.

once you have one and another and another, you get to where you can't go to where you were because of the intense fear you feel. you don't want to feel anything that made you panic. no rapid heart beat. no sweating. no loss of breath. you avoid all the places you went that "made you panic." you blame it on those places. "well the mall did it. going into walmart made me panic." deep inside you know it wasn't the person, place or things but your mind doesn't. your has learned that those are the bad places. we can't go there because it will happen again.

once you have had this happen many times over half of your life, you just give up. the fear is higher than anything you want to do. the fear of another panic attack stops you. even your son so sick that you don't know what will happen can't even make the fears go away. the fears grip every being of your body. you have no control over it, so it seems. you are paraylized. what you once could do, that is so simple, you can't. you can't take a chance of dying on the highway. of dying in the car. of dying in walmart. you won't die but it feels like it. you think you will. the fear is intense. if i avoid it i will be ok and nothing will happen....bam...agoraphobia.

there is so much to explain but it so hard to. unless you have ever seen someone have a panic attack or had one yourself, you will never understand or know what they go there. do you know what it is like to go through chemo if you have never went through it? do you know what it is like to have to give yourself shots each day to keep your blood sugar normal? do you judge those people that lose their hair because of the chemo? do you judge the people that check their blood in front of you to make sure they are where they should be? then why judge someone with a mental illness? i would never expect myself to know what it is like to go through chemo unless i have to. for the ones that go through chemo or are diabetics, i would comfort them and let the know that even though i have no idea what they are going through, i am here for them 100%...even though i have no idea what they are going through. i would never say "oh you can't be weak because  you just had a treatment...come on let's go." that is what people expect me to do though. they expect me to just pack up and go even though i have not left town in many years.

i had a very bad first marriage. i didn't realize my ex was verbally abusive till a therapist told me. i put a lot together and i am working on it. i am 100% better than i used to be but i am not completely healed. it's like a huge tumor that needs to be shrunk down. that takes time. that takes many steps, many rests, many tests, my ups, many downs but when you are finally healed, you are able to be you again. there was a lot that happened that i am getting over. he yelled at me when i was traveling. if i had a panic attack in the car he yelled at me. it doesn't go away fast. over the years you start to feel like you are nothing. that you don't matter to anyone. this was a good 10 years. you know how many times i cried myself to sleep thinking i didn't matter? it doesn't go away over night.

i could go on and on but i will end here. i just hope that one day people with anxiety, panic and depression are never judged on how they feel. that one day people will open up and accept them just as they are: a person just like them. we all have our faults. some just needs that extra love to get them to the person they need to be. have faith in them. believe in them. pray for them. love them.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

this week in pictures

need something to make me smile so here are this week in pictures!

i love crocheting afghans this time of year. here is my first one. picture makes it look a little off.

we got all of liam's toys into his room. happy times by all!

he used to hate hats, now he loves them. he found my ku visor and had to have it on! thankfully you can adjust, i mean really adjust it! :)

a future nascar driver in the making!

nothing helps four hours of sleep like coffee!

and the big surprise of the week.....white stuff falling from the sky! :( after getting 19 inches last year, i've had enough of it for a long time!

here's to looking ahead to this week for more pictures. something needs to help me get through it!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

my voice

i don't feel like i have a voice any more. this will go great with trying to get over the negative for this 21 day challenge. but this is on my mind and i can't sleep until i put this out there.

for the longest time i didn't really say what was on my mind. i had an ex husband that wouldn't let me. when i would try to say how i felt i got yelled out. i stopped and for years i held my thoughts in. i finally realized that what i have to say i just as important as anyone else. so now i do and it gets me more in trouble than just staying quiet. let's list somethings.

work. if i voice my opinion at work i am a bitch because i see what should have been done and wasn't. or how others need to work more. or how i clean an area only to have to torn to bits in a day. i have talked to members of managment and it is as if it just goes right over their heads. i can't stand the dept mgr. she gets by with so much stuff and blames it on us. i've wrote of this before so i won't go into detail here. so does my voice matter at work? no, it doesn't. at least it doesn't feel like it to me. i've tried to get out of that dept for a year now, well a year next month, and i am still stuck there. they don't care how their employees feel. people think i will always put stuff away in the freezer or clean up their shit when i get back from my days off. frustrating.

friends. an incident happend last summer. once again won't go into detail but i got hurt. they didn't see my side and what i said hurt them and that is fair to them. but not seeing my side isn't fair to me. we all decided to put it behind us and go on. we've been friends since high school, why ruin such a long friendship? i tried to keep in touch on twitter and facebook. i tried to my best to talk and not be pushy with things like rushing back into a friendship. so i find out that she was in town. yes, i got mad. i thought that maybe she would maybe make an attempt to work on our friendship. no. and so once again what i had to say about it was all wrong and i was "the victim." her words. yes..."stop playing the victim" she says. this shows me that if she didn't want to invite me to work on it and put it behind us that she really doesn't care about our friendship. but i could be wrong. so yeah, i got mad. i'm done with it. i am 40. i am tried of high school drama bullshit (sorry mom for the cursing but i am so mad). once i am friends with someone you can always count on me. i can't always go places but i will always be there to listen, help, anything to make that person feel better. i try. i am a shy person to things. if someone is hurting i try to slowly get to them. i don't want to come out and say something because if they cry i will get upset. but once i know what is going on i am there and want to and will help the best that i can. i am done with people that can't respect me and my feelings. a friendship isn't 20-80. it is 100%. it's all or nothing to me. to some i guess it isn't. but dammit, my feelings are just as important and i am not a victim for feeling that way! no one is. and if i have hurt you by what i say, i feel so freaking bad that i don't say anything because i don't want to say anything more to hurt you. i am a very sensative and emotional person. can't help it...that is how it is with me.

last may i had a text conversation with someone. they couldn't understand how i felt no matter how i tried to explain it. this person now doesn't respond to texts or anything on facebook. once again i had no voice. i had feelings but they were important either. only what they had to say. then i am left with wondering should i have said what i did because maybe they would still talk to me and answer texts.

i should never had to question my feelings. yes, sometimes people do get hurt. i am not great about expressing my feelings when i am mad, working on that. but no matter how i feel or what i say, it never matters. never. i've had people say hurtful things to me. over time i have forgiven them. take my brother for instance. i finally realized that life it too short. that we say stuff out of anger when we are in that moment. but some just don't see it that way.

so here i am going to thereapy to try to get over my agoraphobia and anxiety issues. and right now i am wondering why the hell i am even doing it. why am i trying this when what i do doesn't matter. how i feel doesn't matter. how i express myself doesn't matter. but to them, they are the ones that are right. they don't see the pain the others are in. they see them. they see what they want to see and nothing else. will it be the same with my recovery? will it matter if i go here or there? right now i am judged on it so how will that change once i can travel? will i be a much better person to talk to becaue i won't be considered some freak?

so yeah, i guess i am a victim if i can't say how i feel. my voice is trappd in my body because god for bid i say something that may hurt someone but they sure as hell can say what they want to me. yes...that is a victim. because people like them won't let others have an opinion or feeling or voice. they let what they say count as what should go. so you made me that victim.

i have been known to say things when i am mad. and as soon as i say it i appolize because i knew it was out of anger and not from my heart, what i was truly feeling. but if i don't appolize it is because that is how i truly feel and if you don't respect that then why do you want to call me a friend?

so i learned once again tonight. i learned that those who really know me will know that is how i truly feel. those who don't will take it and run with it for all they can. so i now know again who my real friends are. if i say things that hurt you i will make it up to you. it won't be over dinner and a movie, but talking and being there and listening. i'm not perfect. no one is. but i will be dammed if i will let any one else tell me i am playing the victim. i will not let people not let me have a voice. ever wondered why i am so quiet? because i am too afraid to talk that what i say you may not agree with.

i have so many mixed emotions right now. it's not fair what "family" won't even talk to you any more because of a damn tornado.

i want to talk about when liam was in the hosptial and how i couldn't be there due to agoraphobia but i can't . people won't understand. they will judge. once agian my voice is held back. people wondering why i wasn't there. if i told you, you wouldn't understand anyways.

ending there because i am mentally and emotionally drained.

21 day challege, day 2

today was sort of a trying day. i get to work and where i cleaned very well saturday was trashed again. it is so frustrating when others will not work to help make the department what it should be. so i tried to remain positive. i kept telling myself that i am not going to clean it this time and i won't. others need to take responsibility. it isn't my job to make sure they do, so i will do my job and that is it. i know i do a good job. if they aren't happy then they should look for something else and make room for people that want and need to work. it isn't me, it is them. and i will not continue to work my butt off while they don't do much of anything. until our manager starts acting like a manager, though that won't happen because i have wanted out of this dept since december of last year because of her and i am still there. i won't do more than my share any more. if others can't do at least their job, then i am NOT working my job and their's so they can do nothing.

at lunch the sitter calls and says that liam's tube is showing in his ear. things start going through my  mind. but i stop them. mainly one of them is "oh he may have to go to wichita." no, he won't have to rhonda. it is just a tube in his ear that they put in here in town. i did remain calm. and all was well when we saw the dr. his tube is in the canal. we just have to wait for it to fall completely out. all looks great in his ear! i ask the dr if he gets more ear infection if he will have to have tubes again. yes. but i remained positive and told myself that i will not worry. if it ever happens it will. i can't stop it.

slowly but surely i will get the negative talk out of me. it is a trying process but it will happen. not over night but soon. i need it not only for me but for my for my family, especially liam. i can do it! i know i can and will!

Monday, November 14, 2011

21 day challenge!

i love rhonna and her 21 day challenges. after today's appointment i realize i need to stop talking and thinking so negative. so i will work on that for 21 days.  here is day 1's quote:

i need to stop the negative and think more positive. i have so much on my plate than i ever used to. so much more to worry about. so with all the added into my life i think a lot more. and with more thinking comes negative talk. "will we be able to eat if i...." "i don't know how we can make it any more." "i can't do this. i am not strong enough." "am i really a good mom and wife, i mean look at me." i could go on and on but i think we get the point.

so from now on any negative that comes into my head i will replace with a positive. if it gets so bad i will journal about it or put it on twitter. some how i will get it out.

click on rhonna's name above if you want to learn more about it and join! you will be glad you did!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

this week in pictures

when it is warm enough to go outside we take him. he needs his outside time, trust me on that! well we all do. we all get tired of being in the house. i'm dreading winter lol.

he now will grab the covers while we are changing him and go "boo!"

love this picture of these two leaves!

what did we do on 11/11/11? we had to work a short shift but before work we went to the deli and got deli dogs!

i love the small of "frosted gingerbread" through out the house!

i hope to do this every sunday. it helps me to want to take more photos, which i really want to do!
have a great week!

Friday, November 11, 2011

layout share and what i made from pinterest!

first layout share time!!! i don't think i have ever posted this layout:

made this one this morning:

love this one!

another one i don't think i ever posted.

some kits just scream fun!!!

now on to pinterest. i love pinterest. there is so  much i want to make from there! i saw the frame at a flea market for $3. i had to have it! the flowers are from walmart that came in a bunch for $5. the wreath itself from a flea market for .50. the shelf from a rummage sale for .75. and i came up with.....

when i decorate for christmas i will hang some garland. this is above our couch. liam at 2 months. us last year and a quote. love it!!! off to find more stuff to dream about! :)

Monday, November 07, 2011

monday pinterest

with a monster energy drink next to me, hoping this helps after yesterday (not a good day at all), i bring to you monday pinterest!

i'd love to make a shirt like this!

love this picture!!

love this door!

i've been crocheting lately. love all of this yarn!

i need a couple dozen of these! :)

how adorable is this baby?

i love this cake! oh my!!!!

must go get some of these prints!

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

family photos

last year liam's sitter took our family pictures, i asked her to do this year's as well.


this year:

what a difference. little man has grown so much, and so has my hair. :) here are some more from the photo shoot.

our family of 3. total happiness and totally in love!

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

halloween night!

we finally found liam a costume. let me say that next year i am starting early and will be looking online because finding something in this town for a toddler is next to impossible! we found him a cute little vet costume. it was perfect. everyone get a kick out of him. we went to one assisted living home that a friend recommended because her niece works there. the only bad thing..."oh what a cute little girl. she needs some m and m's." yeah, the dude needs a hair cut but that i am working on. i'm not ready to cut that hair yet. it fits his personality. it's who he is.....a wild and crazy kid!

happy halloween, dude!