Tuesday, November 15, 2011

my voice

i don't feel like i have a voice any more. this will go great with trying to get over the negative for this 21 day challenge. but this is on my mind and i can't sleep until i put this out there.

for the longest time i didn't really say what was on my mind. i had an ex husband that wouldn't let me. when i would try to say how i felt i got yelled out. i stopped and for years i held my thoughts in. i finally realized that what i have to say i just as important as anyone else. so now i do and it gets me more in trouble than just staying quiet. let's list somethings.

work. if i voice my opinion at work i am a bitch because i see what should have been done and wasn't. or how others need to work more. or how i clean an area only to have to torn to bits in a day. i have talked to members of managment and it is as if it just goes right over their heads. i can't stand the dept mgr. she gets by with so much stuff and blames it on us. i've wrote of this before so i won't go into detail here. so does my voice matter at work? no, it doesn't. at least it doesn't feel like it to me. i've tried to get out of that dept for a year now, well a year next month, and i am still stuck there. they don't care how their employees feel. people think i will always put stuff away in the freezer or clean up their shit when i get back from my days off. frustrating.

friends. an incident happend last summer. once again won't go into detail but i got hurt. they didn't see my side and what i said hurt them and that is fair to them. but not seeing my side isn't fair to me. we all decided to put it behind us and go on. we've been friends since high school, why ruin such a long friendship? i tried to keep in touch on twitter and facebook. i tried to my best to talk and not be pushy with things like rushing back into a friendship. so i find out that she was in town. yes, i got mad. i thought that maybe she would maybe make an attempt to work on our friendship. no. and so once again what i had to say about it was all wrong and i was "the victim." her words. yes..."stop playing the victim" she says. ok...so this shows me that if she didn't want to invite me to work on it and put it behind us that she really doesn't care about our friendship. but i could be wrong. so yeah, i got mad. i'm done with it. i am 40. i am tried of high school drama bullshit (sorry mom for the cursing but i am so mad). once i am friends with someone you can always count on me. i can't always go places but i will always be there to listen, help, anything to make that person feel better. i try. i am a shy person to things. if someone is hurting i try to slowly get to them. i don't want to come out and say something because if they cry i will get upset. but once i know what is going on i am there and want to and will help the best that i can. i am done with people that can't respect me and my feelings. a friendship isn't 20-80. it is 100%. it's all or nothing to me. to some i guess it isn't. but dammit, my feelings are just as important and i am not a victim for feeling that way! no one is. and if i have hurt you by what i say, i feel so freaking bad that i don't say anything because i don't want to say anything more to hurt you. i am a very sensative and emotional person. can't help it...that is how it is with me.

last may i had a text conversation with someone. they couldn't understand how i felt no matter how i tried to explain it. this person now doesn't respond to texts or anything on facebook. once again i had no voice. i had feelings but they were important either. only what they had to say. then i am left with wondering should i have said what i did because maybe they would still talk to me and answer texts.

i should never had to question my feelings. yes, sometimes people do get hurt. i am not great about expressing my feelings when i am mad, working on that. but no matter how i feel or what i say, it never matters. never. i've had people say hurtful things to me. over time i have forgiven them. take my brother for instance. i finally realized that life it too short. that we say stuff out of anger when we are in that moment. but some just don't see it that way.

so here i am going to thereapy to try to get over my agoraphobia and anxiety issues. and right now i am wondering why the hell i am even doing it. why am i trying this when what i do doesn't matter. how i feel doesn't matter. how i express myself doesn't matter. but to them, they are the ones that are right. they don't see the pain the others are in. they see them. they see what they want to see and nothing else. will it be the same with my recovery? will it matter if i go here or there? right now i am judged on it so how will that change once i can travel? will i be a much better person to talk to becaue i won't be considered some freak?

so yeah, i guess i am a victim if i can't say how i feel. my voice is trappd in my body because god for bid i say something that may hurt someone but they sure as hell can say what they want to me. yes...that is a victim. because people like them won't let others have an opinion or feeling or voice. they let what they say count as what should go. so you made me that victim.

i have been known to say things when i am mad. and as soon as i say it i appolize because i knew it was out of anger and not from my heart, what i was truly feeling. but if i don't appolize it is because that is how i truly feel and if you don't respect that then why do you want to call me a friend?

so i learned once again tonight. i learned that those who really know me will know that is how i truly feel. those who don't will take it and run with it for all they can. so i now know again who my real friends are. if i say things that hurt you i will make it up to you. it won't be over dinner and a movie, but talking and being there and listening. i'm not perfect. no one is. but i will be dammed if i will let any one else tell me i am playing the victim. i will not let people not let me have a voice. ever wondered why i am so quiet? because i am too afraid to talk that what i say you may not agree with.

i have so many mixed emotions right now. it's not fair what "family" won't even talk to you any more because of a damn tornado.

i want to talk about when liam was in the hosptial and how i couldn't be there due to agoraphobia but i can't . people won't understand. they will judge. once agian my voice is held back. people wondering why i wasn't there. if i told you, you wouldn't understand anyways.

ending there because i am mentally and emotionally drained.