desperate

i saw this book on instagram. a few where saying how good it is. sometimes i feel so desperate. i feel as if i don't know what i am doing, if it is good enough and so many other thoughts. i knew i needed to order this. i'm on chapter 4 and i have learned so much already. at the end of each chapter is a QR code you scan from your smartphone. it is a video that has a quick review of that chapter. what a great idea! you actually get to see and hear the author's, it makes things so much more real!

"my home, then, became my kingdom over which i longed to rule well as i was crafting lives, my own children, for His glory. this kingdom of home is the place of refuge, comfort and inspiration. it is a rich wold where great souls can be formed and from which men and women of great conviction and dedication can emerge."

for many years i have wanted out of this house. it is what i bought with my ex. too many memories. too many emotions. lately i have been wanting to paint and redo pretty much every room. i've lived in this house for 16+ years. i just want out and a fresh start. then i got to thinking. this house isn't about the past. this house isn't about who bought it. it isn't about what happened, the feelings or the emotions. this house is now where my family of 3 live. where my husband and my son and i live. where we play, laugh, fight and love. the above quote makes me want to do so much with this home. this is what liam will know. what he will remember when he has his own family. i want to teach him so much here. he to teach us as well. this house represents my life. it represents all that i am about, the good and the bad. it is up to me to make sure liam can find comfort, refuge and inspiration here. he doesn't know who orginally had it. none of that matters to him. what matters is that he lives here and he is loved here. that he learns here and grows here.

"a happy mom who is secure in herself and at ease in her life is a rare gift that children love and appreciate."

i'm not secure in myself in a lot of areas, especially the anxiety one. it's very important to me to get over my anxiety issues for many reasons. one is that i don't want him to think that fear is ok. the fears i have that is. if he gets scared and wants to run, i want to be able to show him that he can stay and it will be ok. i'm a trying to find a good therapists that is very knowledgeable in cognitive behavioral theraphy. this is the only way i can get over this is to face it and do it and the only way i can is through CBT. i hope i find someone soon!

this book has opened up so much for me in just a few chapters. i want to get more books by Sally Clarkson and learn even more about how God can help me be a better mother. it's my goal and passion to be the best mom. there is so much more i need to learn and do. i hope with Gods help i can be what i want to be and more.

yeah....it's been a while!

i got bored with my blog and even worse with it when i couldn't upload more then one or two images. been wanting to write more and share things so i guess i will fire this up again and see what happens.

liam is almost over his cold. he has a runny nose but that is about it. well, and a cough that comes when too much gunk goes down his throat. poor kid seems to have had it bad this year. though the cold was harder on him than influenza a. weird, huh? i feel like i'm not doing enough or something when they get sick a lot. then i am reminded that he is in daycare and oh do they pass stuff around! one of the others has what he has. they share more than just toys lol.

it's almost 1am. i can't sleep. i drank coffee at 5:30pm and now i regret it. was trying to make myself feel better. i was stressed all week because of him being sick. worrying. calling the sitter 3 times a day to check on him. i probably worry too much but when he isn't feeling well and i am not around him i worry. then added stress of an idiot i work with. why they don't take him off as cake decorator i'll never know. i won't even get into that. not worth the added headache. he already gave me one i don't need another.

i need to find a way to let out my stress. i haven't scrapbooked in a few weeks. i want some new things but feel guilty buying anything. just been in one of the funks. i hate it when it happens. it's like i'm depressed and yet i'm still in motion because i have to be. i make it all happen some how. also, i think a lot of it is the cold. spring is almost here. we've been cooped up for a few months and we need out! i'd love to go for walks when it starts to warm up. every year by this time i've had it with things and need a refresher. i think that is why i love spring so much. a new bloom to life. a  new start. a fresh look on things. after the cold, harshness of winter, i can finally shed and be free. these 4 walls can drive you nuts, espcially with a toddler that is not wanting to listen and wants it his way. it's taking a toll on all of us. we are all at the point of breaking and need out. the weather is suppose to be in the 60's this week. hopefully we can play outside after work and get some of this blah out of us.

i haven't taken many pictures the last few weeks and that will show in my project life album. last week was the worse. i'll try to figure out what to put in it. i have a couple but that is about it. :( here is one picture from this week. we took liam to his dr to make sure all was ok since he was still running a fever and coughing. they got some new cars to play in and he really like them!

 

can you believe this was taken almost 3 years ago?

 

that's my little man! :)

i did it!

i started paper scrapping again! i am so excited. i'm so glad i took the plunge and decided that i need more paper in my life! lol. i joined studio calico and got their november monthly kit. i like what i got but for the price.....i think i will just shop and get things online. i got a bunch of stuff from 2peas at their black friday sale. 40% off, baby! got a ton more than i did with studio calico. so i don't think i will be getting any more from them. great kits but i'll get what i like and at good prices.

i told myself this time i will: 1. use what i have. i will not hoard things. i will not "wait to see if there is a better picture for this..." 2. before i buy more stuff i will see what i have and what will go with it. 3. i will not buy a bunch of stuff just because it is popular. i got in trouble the last time. never used things and sold them cheap. 4. i will watch for bargains. i want to try to stick to getting things on sale. i know there will be a time or two where i can't and will have to pay full price but i will try to watch sales and stick to budgets. 5. i will NOT compare my work with others. i will enjoy the process. i love watching liam look through layouts of the past and see people that he knows like us, the grandparents, etc. it will be really awesome when he is 10 and see's what we did this year. i want him to remember as much as possible.

i'm doing a december daily this year. i'm using an amy tangerine day book that i got at the 2peas sale. it has pages in side of different styles and sizes. love it! my book won't have a december/christmas feel to it and that is ok. the day that is christmas will have enough. december isn't all about christmas, it is about his birthday as well. and not all we do is christmas related so therefore...no christmas kind of album. here it is:

i'll show the pages as i go. i will start posting more and sharing more things.

i was going to show my first layout in 2 years but for some reason blogger says i am over my limit of file size. ok...new stuff to me! ugh.

ok...off to play!

finally....

yeah i know, i haven't been on here much...well no at all. we got rid of cox so that meant no internet. i hate cox and really hate paying as much as we do for the service we get. we've had nothing but problems since day one. i finally just had it with them. i thought i could use my phone as a modem and i did but 1...that uses up all of your data for each month. 2...it is slllowwww. so, we got a letter from a t & t talking about their dsl service. we called up and signed up. it isn't lightening speed like cox but it is fast and that is all good for me. happy once again to be on my laptop and surfing away!!!

i haven't loaded any pictures since october 28th to the computer. i'm just at a blah spot with scrapbooking, or maybe it was no internet and i just didn't care about doing anything. withdrawl symptoms anyone??? so tonight or tomorrow i hope to upload more photos and get project life caught up. i need a new album to finish out the year. hope to order one this week. though i wonder if i could get just 2 more months in there???? maybe i should try. think i might.

i really want to get back to paper scrapping. i joined studio calico's monthly paper and card kit. yes, two monthly kits. things are looking up and so much better for us financially so i am taking that plunge. you can cancel at anytime so why not? maybe this will jump start me into getting creative again?! i did decide to make a december daily album as well. since liam is old enough now to kinda see what christmas is all about, i want to start documenting more. and since i really love the holidays, i want to remember them the most. so hopefully all of this will get me back into using and adhesive and not so much of the computer. though i sooo love digial layouts, i really need to feel what i am working with sometimes!

ok...now to get off of here and upload some photos and work on project life! tomorrow i will share some recent pictures.

pinterest monday

i'm trying to figure out if i want to write more about my agorphobia or not. the past is the past and i done with it. now i need to live for today and the future. sharing my story is ok but talking about some of it is draining. i really think there is a reason why i have it, not sure what it is yet but i know there will be a break through...there has to be!

so back to pinterest monday. i stopped doing it because there was all of this talk of people stealing ideas and such. but i want to bring it back. share with you all neat stuff i saw on there! click on the image for the link to the person's site.

i love these pillows! i think they would be super easy to make!

how fun is this tree??? what a great idea for new years eve. you put money in the balloons and have the kids pop them to get the money. just may have to do this!

i love this idea! i found a clock at a rummage sale this past summer. maybe i need to use it and do something like this????

love this quilt. i would love to make it. wonder how easy/hard it would be??

i like this one too!

oh how i would love to make cakes like this one day! the district man for walmart came in for a quartly visit. he comment on how the cake case looked the best he's ever seen. he told me how i had the best job in this store. how i get to make kids happy by decorating their cake. so very true! i love my job. i love watching people's eyes when i hand them their cake. though there are cakes that i do and i am like "uhhhh no one will want this one," it always surprises me when they take it out of the case and want it. it's pretty cool!

Trust

Day 5 of "write your own story. Missed day 4, just didn't have the words.

Trust. One thing that is hard for me to do any more is trust. I cant trust people to tell my story. I can't trust that they won't turn around and run. That they won't talk about me and make fun of because they don't understand what is going on.

I gave my life to someone. I put all my trust in him. I trusted him to take care of me. To listen. To understand. To defend me. That trust broke when he started to yell at me during panic attacks. He wouldn't listen. He wouldn't try to make it better. I told friends about the anxiety,  they stopped speaking to me. So if i open up to you it means i trust you. To me that is a huge step because i wasnt able to trust for many years.

One thing about anxiety is it robs you of your boldness. You aren't strong. You can't defend. Then the trust is lost on so many levels. I stopped trusting that he'd be there for me. He didn't defend me to his family. Would he just up and leave? I stopped trusting him when i was anxious and that made the anxiety worse. I felt there was no one around that i could be with that would help me. And soon i couldnt trust myself. I couldn't trust myself to be there for me when i needed myself. I relied too much on others and when i couldn't rely on them the trust stopped.

I keep to myself these days. I rarely open up. I am better at it. Over time i was able to see those whom i could trust and would be there for me and those that wouldnt be. I've learned a lot in the 4 years and I'm still learning. I still have trust issues but they aren't as bad. I'm working on it. But once i trust you, please don't do something to make me lose it because once i stop trusting i will never trust again.

What is a panic attack?

Day 3 of "31 days to tell my story"

What is a panic attack? Hmmmm let's see. Your heart starts slowly go faster and faster. It beats so hard you think it will jump out of your throat. You start getting hot. For me it starts in my gut. My stomach starts to heat up and then my head. I get weak in the knees. I have a bewilderment feeling. I can see but no idea where i am. I'm scared that i will lose my mind. My throat feels dry. I need water. I shake. Jittery. I want to run but to where? I see people but even if i know them i don't know they are there.

Sometimes these lasts for a few seconds. Mainly about 30 seconds.or so. Thankfully i havent had a full blown attack in years. They are the scariest things I've ever went threw.

When you have an attack at a certain place a couple of times, your subconscious mind thinks that place is what made you panic. It starts to associate panic with example, walmart. You walk in and you can't go any further than the registers. it happened before. Surely, this place is what causes it. Walmart, cars, highways, restaurant, anywhere where you panicked, it will now be a place that you avoid so you won't panic. Then all the sudden you go to your mailbox and it happens. Omg.....now it is following me home? And now you don't feel safe anywhere. The fear of that panic attack that scares you so bad, stops your life. Stops you in your tracks and says "you're weak. You can't do this. Are you kidding me? Go to a store where there is no safe person? Ha!" The lies start. Your mind lies to you and you believe it all because what sane person would be going through all of this? What sane person would avoid the highways? Lies but to you it is the truth.

1out of 4 people have some sort of anxiety. Why dont we hear more about it? Because it is not normal to not drive out of town. To not take an elevator. To not not be able to go to the store by yourself. People will talk. People will make fun of you. They don't understand. They haven't been through it so why should they understand. People commit suicide because they feel they cant tell anyone what is going on. They have to be strong they are the father. If i tell them i can't ...... they will laugh. So we hide it inside. We hold on to the lies and the horror. Over and over it goes through our head how stupid we are. How weak. How ashamed. How no one will ever like us. The lies take over and before you know it your mind is consumed with worry, dread, fear, guilt....the list goes on.

It's not something to get rid of over night. It takes time. Love. Honest. Practice. Compassion. Understanding. Knowledge. Faith. I still believe some of the lies. The lies are the hardest to stop.