Monday, May 17, 2010

a little something

see, i can scrap without paper :).

will i ever be caught up?

so much to do around the house today. yesterday i slept a lot and didn't much done. i did a load of liam laundry and a load of our laundry. that was it. i guess sundays are my day to catch up on sleep but man it puts me way behind. eric is still in bed. he is congested and not feeling well. not sure how to get much done when liam is awake. he took a 10 minute nap then woke up. i did get a load of dishes done and make some french toast. a little at a time and it will get done.

we took liam for a little walk yesterday. our view from the top:

love these cheeks!

we're going to have a rummage sale on the 12th. i am going to get rid of all my scrapbook stuff. i can't afford to do it any more. i don't have time to do it any more. and we can use the space. i will scrapbook digitally which is less space, more affordable (you can use the stuff over and over again) and instant downloads with no waiting on shipping. i am sure i will regret it but at least there will be digital memories recorded, just no more paper. makes me a bit sad but what can you do?

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

where do i start???

first off i had a great mother's day. it was all i hoped for a more. had a great time at my parents. i want to write more about it but my mind is cluttered with more crap. i'm hurt and confused. i dont know how people will react to what i write but i am going to write it.

yesterday we had a chance of tornadoes. we watch storm chasers through the fall and get excited for this time of year. there was a post at facebook where a couple of us talked about storm chasing. one guy asked if i wanted to join them. i said i needed to find someone to watch liam. "someone to watch liam" key sentence here. jump to about 8 hours later, eric shows me a text. it says from what all i can remember "you better not take that baby out to chase damn storms. i will kick your ass." i was furious. still am today.

do people really believe that we would do that? do people think i don't know what i doing as a mother? this brought back a bunch of emotions that started with my brother and his wife's, that ordeal when liam was 2 months old. there are times i wonder if i am doing enough as a mother. am i doing it right? do i need to do this or that to make things better? i have not been around babies much at all, see previous post, but i do have enough common sense to know how to raise a child. is everything i do right? i hope so. so after reading this i started to doubt myself once again. thinking to people seriously think i am not able to do this. eric says it was a joke. how it was said was no joke to me. i would never take my child out in storms, especially tornadoes. heck, i was worried the first thunderstorm we had. i was at work, he was at the sitters. i wondered if he was scared of the thunder. i worried till the storm passed. yesterday we had errands to run. i wanted to get home before it started storming so we wouldn't have it him out in it. now, does this sound like i would want him out in storms?

i am still adjusting to life as a mother. i had 38 years of freedom. i could do what i wanted when i wanted. now my spare time is to clean, cook, etc. i read when i go to bed. i don't have a lot of spare time. i haven't scrapped much. i haven't really done anything for me. i do when i drop eric off at work and i go to hastings. that is my real me time. i am struggling with bills since work won't give hime hours. i pay the bills. worry about getting them paid. make sure everyone is fed, clean clothes, and is happy. i feel i work hard. yes, my house looks like crap at times. i am getting to the point towhere i can do more now that he is older and can do more stuff on his own.

i feel i can't catch a break from anyone. that no matter what i do it isn't good enough. sometimes i just want to say the heck with it all but i have this little man to take care of and he needs a mother. if it wasn't for him....who knows. i can't make anyone happy no matter what i do. i can't afford to do much for myself or for anyone. this doesn't come from having a child, it comes from his lack of hours at work. i blame walmart not having a child.

i wonder what else people say about me and my ability to raise a child? doubt that i want to know.

anyways, that's how i feel today. not too happy to say the least.

Friday, May 07, 2010

he rolled over!

liam rolled over the night before last in his crib. he got his right arm stuck and get really mad! i didn't give him any tummy time from birth till now, so i am a bit concerned that he won't be strong enough to lift himself up. but julie said he got him arms going and raised himself up a bit. whew! now that the carpets are up, i can put a blanket on the floor so he can get some tummy time.

i sometimes question if i know what i am doing. i haven't been around babies much at all. in fact, i think i can count on one hand the times i have been around one for more than an hour, if even an hour. not many people i know have babies or have had them recently, so i don't really know what i am doing half the time. i have never watched anyone do anything where their baby. well when brett was born i went to aimee's and visited once. don't remember much excep him sleeping lol. i think i am doing a pretty good job with all that i am learning. it must be a mother instinct. though i am wondering about cereal and how to mix it and with what. i can't find a bottle that i am comfortable with or i would put some in his bottle. but now that he is eating fruits and veggies do i need to put any in the bottle?

he has a dr appointment for in the morning. he has been coughing and a bit of a running nose. i wonder if he got what we got. so far it isn't bad but i am taking him to make sure. he is such a blessing....that wonderful little man of mine!

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

a year ago

on the 26th of april we took liam in to get his 4 month shots. i got to thinking while we were in the room waiting for the nurse, it was a year ago the next day that i was just 10 feet away having blood drawn to check my hcg levels to see where they were at. i had a positive pregnancy test there. now time to draw blood to check to make sure the levels were doubling. little did i know that a year later i would have my son in that tiny room. i looked into the room watching a mother and her child while getting my blood drawn hoping all would be ok after 3 other loses. i cried because i was scared of another loss. but god works miracles and i have liam jackson to prove it.

what a difference a year makes. it has been an amazing ride. i couldn't be more happier in my life as i am now. i am anxiously awaiting my first mothers day. i have waited so many years for that. i longed to be the one receiving gifts from their little one. now it is finally my time. i'm so excited. i'm so happy to share mother's day with my mom and my child. i can not wait! thank you god for making my dream come true.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

this little man

he's in his crib playing right now. he's starting to do more stuff on his own. he loves to put things in his mouth. i give him something and straight to his mouth it goes. yes, he is growing way to fast. but i wouldn't have it any other way.

yesterday was a bit of a trying time. i got up around 9. liam slept till almost 10. i was in a good mood. after i fed him i wanted to start doing the house work that needed to be done. my scrap area is a mess since we pulled up the carpet. i need my creative outlet back so i can unwind and relax. we had to go get gas for the lawn mower and put some money in the bank. i didn't think i would need a bottle. all errands ran within a mile from the house and he had just ate about an hour before. i was wrong. that is what started the downfall of the day. we were 2 blocks from the bank and nothing would satisfy him. by the time we got home he was hot, red and madder than i'll get out. my mood had went to crap by then. he was fussy off and on due to teething. i didn't get one thing done that i wanted to. i was then fussy. eric, god love him, mowed the grass. folded the laudry. loaded the dish washer. and comforted me while i texted him from the bedroom how i felt overwhelmed. i decided a trip to sonic would help me feel a bit better. i needed to get out of the house.

i don't like a messy, cluttered home. people that have seen it recently would think "uhh, ok." but i don't. it stresses me way out. finally after the city wide clean up and purging a lot of crap, i am feeling a bit better about this house. there are still a lot of things i want to do with it. i haven't liked this house for a lot of years. too many unhappy memories here of how life used to be. i guess i just let things go because to me this house is a bad memory. bad memories aren't pretty. they aren't decorated with pictures. they aren't painted pretty colors that are inviting. so i let it go. and now i want to make it a home again. i hope it isn't too late. i do have a lot in mind. i want to redo all of it to get rid of some of the memories. paint over the old and bring the new. all in time. as i erase the inside, the outside will erase too and become more clearer and bolder like it should be.

the man calls. my time here is up for now.

Monday, May 03, 2010

Napping while mom and dad eat.

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