Monday, October 08, 2012

pinterest monday

i'm trying to figure out if i want to write more about my agorphobia or not. the past is the past and i done with it. now i need to live for today and the future. sharing my story is ok but talking about some of it is draining. i really think there is a reason why i have it, not sure what it is yet but i know there will be a break through...there has to be!

so back to pinterest monday. i stopped doing it because there was all of this talk of people stealing ideas and such. but i want to bring it back. share with you all neat stuff i saw on there! click on the image for the link to the person's site.

i love these pillows! i think they would be super easy to make!

how fun is this tree??? what a great idea for new years eve. you put money in the balloons and have the kids pop them to get the money. just may have to do this!

i love this idea! i found a clock at a rummage sale this past summer. maybe i need to use it and do something like this????

love this quilt. i would love to make it. wonder how easy/hard it would be??

i like this one too!

oh how i would love to make cakes like this one day! the district man for walmart came in for a quartly visit. he comment on how the cake case looked the best he's ever seen. he told me how i had the best job in this store. how i get to make kids happy by decorating their cake. so very true! i love my job. i love watching people's eyes when i hand them their cake. though there are cakes that i do and i am like "uhhhh no one will want this one," it always surprises me when they take it out of the case and want it. it's pretty cool!

Friday, October 05, 2012


Day 5 of "write your own story. Missed day 4, just didn't have the words.

Trust. One thing that is hard for me to do any more is trust. I cant trust people to tell my story. I can't trust that they won't turn around and run. That they won't talk about me and make fun of because they don't understand what is going on.

I gave my life to someone. I put all my trust in him. I trusted him to take care of me. To listen. To understand. To defend me. That trust broke when he started to yell at me during panic attacks. He wouldn't listen. He wouldn't try to make it better. I told friends about the anxiety,  they stopped speaking to me. So if i open up to you it means i trust you. To me that is a huge step because i wasnt able to trust for many years.

One thing about anxiety is it robs you of your boldness. You aren't strong. You can't defend. Then the trust is lost on so many levels. I stopped trusting that he'd be there for me. He didn't defend me to his family. Would he just up and leave? I stopped trusting him when i was anxious and that made the anxiety worse. I felt there was no one around that i could be with that would help me. And soon i couldnt trust myself. I couldn't trust myself to be there for me when i needed myself. I relied too much on others and when i couldn't rely on them the trust stopped.

I keep to myself these days. I rarely open up. I am better at it. Over time i was able to see those whom i could trust and would be there for me and those that wouldnt be. I've learned a lot in the 4 years and I'm still learning. I still have trust issues but they aren't as bad. I'm working on it. But once i trust you, please don't do something to make me lose it because once i stop trusting i will never trust again.

Wednesday, October 03, 2012

What is a panic attack?

Day 3 of "31 days to tell my story"

What is a panic attack? Hmmmm let's see. Your heart starts slowly go faster and faster. It beats so hard you think it will jump out of your throat. You start getting hot. For me it starts in my gut. My stomach starts to heat up and then my head. I get weak in the knees. I have a bewilderment feeling. I can see but no idea where i am. I'm scared that i will lose my mind. My throat feels dry. I need water. I shake. Jittery. I want to run but to where? I see people but even if i know them i don't know they are there.

Sometimes these lasts for a few seconds. Mainly about 30 seconds.or so. Thankfully i havent had a full blown attack in years. They are the scariest things I've ever went threw.

When you have an attack at a certain place a couple of times, your subconscious mind thinks that place is what made you panic. It starts to associate panic with example, walmart. You walk in and you can't go any further than the registers. it happened before. Surely, this place is what causes it. Walmart, cars, highways, restaurant, anywhere where you panicked, it will now be a place that you avoid so you won't panic. Then all the sudden you go to your mailbox and it happens. it is following me home? And now you don't feel safe anywhere. The fear of that panic attack that scares you so bad, stops your life. Stops you in your tracks and says "you're weak. You can't do this. Are you kidding me? Go to a store where there is no safe person? Ha!" The lies start. Your mind lies to you and you believe it all because what sane person would be going through all of this? What sane person would avoid the highways? Lies but to you it is the truth.

1out of 4 people have some sort of anxiety. Why dont we hear more about it? Because it is not normal to not drive out of town. To not take an elevator. To not not be able to go to the store by yourself. People will talk. People will make fun of you. They don't understand. They haven't been through it so why should they understand. People commit suicide because they feel they cant tell anyone what is going on. They have to be strong they are the father. If i tell them i can't ...... they will laugh. So we hide it inside. We hold on to the lies and the horror. Over and over it goes through our head how stupid we are. How weak. How ashamed. How no one will ever like us. The lies take over and before you know it your mind is consumed with worry, dread, fear, guilt....the list goes on.

It's not something to get rid of over night. It takes time. Love. Honest. Practice. Compassion. Understanding. Knowledge. Faith. I still believe some of the lies. The lies are the hardest to stop.

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

what is agoraphobia

day two of the "31 days to tell my story."

what is agoraphobia?

noun Psychiatry .
an abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas, sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks.
it used to be "fear of the market place." now they added the above and good. that explains more than "fear of the market place." a very vague description.
i'm not sure how mine got started. i could still go places after my first major panic attack in high school. nothing stopped me. they would come but they left and i didn't really think much of them other than "what the heck was that?" but then i got married. and what i didn't realize then was that i married too young and to the wrong person. life with down hill instead of up. i was able to go to where his family was two times before we got married. then the day we said "i do" it stopped. i really don't know why or how. about 4 to 5 months into our marriage i was really feeling the anxiety and panic. i didn't know what was going on. he told me that if it didn't stop that he would want a divorce. so then the pressure started. i didn't want him to leave. i mean after all i married him because i thought i wouldn't find anyone else. i didn't have a boyfriend in high school, expect surely if he left i would be alone for the rest of my life.
so i tried. and we moved to joplin due to his job. i drove back to pittsburg every day to make sure i could get back to pittsburg. i don't think there was a day that went by that i didn't go. he worked crazy long hours so there was nothing to do anyways.
i was able to work in joplin. drive on my own. then after a year we moved back to pittsburg. then it went even further down hill. i would get on the highway and try. i still had attacks but they were only while driving or in the car. well, some at various places but i remember in the car the most and at night. over the years i tried more and more to please him and his family. his mom said i would never be a part of the family till i made it to springfield. his sister-in-law told me to get over a miscarriage because her daughter was pregnant and we needed to support her. i could never stand up for myself nor would he stand up for me.
everytime i panicked in the car he would yell at me. he would say things and i felt like crap. felt like a total failure. i never felt safe with him. i never felt like if we went anywhere he would be there for me no matter what. why i stayed with him longer than i should have was due to panic attacks. i felt lonely in my own home.
then i just gave up. i gave up because no matter how i tried it was never good enough. i just gave up. i'd get on the highway and go but that yelling would start again and the disappointment. i was stuck in so many ways. i was so unhappy. but who would i tell because they thought he was god.
agoraphobia just happened. it snuck up on me and bit me in the butt so hard. it sucked me in and drowned me in fear, shame, disappointment and dread. the fear of a panic attack stopped me from going on. the fear that what if i got too far from..... the what if i panicked and no one was there? he was always with me but i never felt save. many times i would want to pull over and let the panic subside but he wouldn't. he would make me go. you can't make someone go. it makes things worse. if i would have pulled over and took some deep breaths and relaxed i would have felt a lot better. but instead i was scared. i got scared if i knew i had to go somewhere. what if he yelled? what if i disappointed him again?
do i blame him for all of this? somewhat. it started before we were married but it got must worse afterwards. had he actually took the time to try to help things would have been a lot better. i hate thinking back to those days. i really do hate the guy. i hate how i could never express anything to help in fear of getting yelled at. i took everything in and held it there. how my brain processed it and let it go was up to my brain because i physically couldn't take it at times. one time i stood up to his mom and he yelled at me because i made her cry. my god...the times people in his family made me cry but that didn't matter.
what does all of this have to do with agoraphobia? the panic attacks start. when you don't take control of them the fear sets in and are stuck in that hole. i look back and wish things happened differently but i wouldn't be where i am today and not have what i have today. though those years took a tole on me and i know am agoraphobic, i don't think i would change a thing. i would have never met eric and we wouldn't have liam. i can work on my anxiety, i can beat it. but i would not want to live the rest of my life with that man.

Monday, October 01, 2012

tell my story?!

i subscribe to this lady's blog. when i saw this challenge i had to to it. what was i going to write about? what did i want to tell about me? well my life story is agoraphobia so that was it. i want to help educate and help people that know me to understand more of what i go through. it isn't all about just not traveling, it's more than that. it's what's below all of it that makes it what it has become.

i've been hearing more and more lately about panic attacks, anxiety disorder, depression and agoraphobia. one of my main inspirations is "the bloggess." she sent a link today of the lady that has the blog and book "cake wrecks". she tells her story about anxiety and panic attacks here. that story was very right on with what she said. hopefully some that know me will read it and understand a bit more.

how does agoraphobia start? well it doesn't just start over night. i started having panic attacks in high school. my first one was on a boat on the Potomac river in washington dc. our band was on a 4 day trip in dc. actually, i remember having them on buses out of town to football games and one on the way to the airport to dc. but they went away. it felt like indigestion. i would unhook my bra hoping that would relieve some pressure that was in my chest. i remember one time in high school where our spanish class was going to kansas city to a mexican restaurant and a mall. i got on the bus and got off at the end of the schools drive way saying i was sick. i was totally ashamed and humiliated as my friend begged me to stay. i had no idea why i wanted off but i did. i don't remember panicking but i do remember that i know i was going no matter what.

so this panic attack on the potomac was my first full blown, knock you on your butt attack. we were on the upper deck of this boat and it came. all i remember is walking down stairs to the back of the boat. the boat had one of this big wheels in the back. i remember looking at it and wanting to jump. how was i going to make it 3 more days. i could go back home but i would have to fly back by myself. then suddenly it was gone. i don't remember must after that. i had a good time there. only time i felt anxious was a night.

then a few years later i met my ex-husband and that is when it got worse. that is when my world stopped expanding and settled into one area. there is so much to say and so much to explain, it will take me 31 days to explain and tell it.

in the following days i hope you all keep an open mind and realize that this is a real disorder. this isn't something people make up. this is who i am and will be for the rest of my life. anxiety will always be a part of me, i just need to learn to live with it and go on and not let it keep me from doing what i love. one day my saying will be "i have anxiety but it doesn't have me." it is real just like cancer, diabetes, any illness. i hope someone can benefit from my blog this month. and i hope everyone learns a bit more about me and that i am just another person on this planet, i just have something that keeps me back.