Monday, October 08, 2012
so back to pinterest monday. i stopped doing it because there was all of this talk of people stealing ideas and such. but i want to bring it back. share with you all neat stuff i saw on there! click on the image for the link to the person's site.
Friday, October 05, 2012
Day 5 of "write your own story. Missed day 4, just didn't have the words.
Trust. One thing that is hard for me to do any more is trust. I cant trust people to tell my story. I can't trust that they won't turn around and run. That they won't talk about me and make fun of because they don't understand what is going on.
I gave my life to someone. I put all my trust in him. I trusted him to take care of me. To listen. To understand. To defend me. That trust broke when he started to yell at me during panic attacks. He wouldn't listen. He wouldn't try to make it better. I told friends about the anxiety, they stopped speaking to me. So if i open up to you it means i trust you. To me that is a huge step because i wasnt able to trust for many years.
One thing about anxiety is it robs you of your boldness. You aren't strong. You can't defend. Then the trust is lost on so many levels. I stopped trusting that he'd be there for me. He didn't defend me to his family. Would he just up and leave? I stopped trusting him when i was anxious and that made the anxiety worse. I felt there was no one around that i could be with that would help me. And soon i couldnt trust myself. I couldn't trust myself to be there for me when i needed myself. I relied too much on others and when i couldn't rely on them the trust stopped.
I keep to myself these days. I rarely open up. I am better at it. Over time i was able to see those whom i could trust and would be there for me and those that wouldnt be. I've learned a lot in the 4 years and I'm still learning. I still have trust issues but they aren't as bad. I'm working on it. But once i trust you, please don't do something to make me lose it because once i stop trusting i will never trust again.
Wednesday, October 03, 2012
Day 3 of "31 days to tell my story"
What is a panic attack? Hmmmm let's see. Your heart starts slowly go faster and faster. It beats so hard you think it will jump out of your throat. You start getting hot. For me it starts in my gut. My stomach starts to heat up and then my head. I get weak in the knees. I have a bewilderment feeling. I can see but no idea where i am. I'm scared that i will lose my mind. My throat feels dry. I need water. I shake. Jittery. I want to run but to where? I see people but even if i know them i don't know they are there.
Sometimes these lasts for a few seconds. Mainly about 30 seconds.or so. Thankfully i havent had a full blown attack in years. They are the scariest things I've ever went threw.
When you have an attack at a certain place a couple of times, your subconscious mind thinks that place is what made you panic. It starts to associate panic with example, walmart. You walk in and you can't go any further than the registers. it happened before. Surely, this place is what causes it. Walmart, cars, highways, restaurant, anywhere where you panicked, it will now be a place that you avoid so you won't panic. Then all the sudden you go to your mailbox and it happens. Omg.....now it is following me home? And now you don't feel safe anywhere. The fear of that panic attack that scares you so bad, stops your life. Stops you in your tracks and says "you're weak. You can't do this. Are you kidding me? Go to a store where there is no safe person? Ha!" The lies start. Your mind lies to you and you believe it all because what sane person would be going through all of this? What sane person would avoid the highways? Lies but to you it is the truth.
1out of 4 people have some sort of anxiety. Why dont we hear more about it? Because it is not normal to not drive out of town. To not take an elevator. To not not be able to go to the store by yourself. People will talk. People will make fun of you. They don't understand. They haven't been through it so why should they understand. People commit suicide because they feel they cant tell anyone what is going on. They have to be strong they are the father. If i tell them i can't ...... they will laugh. So we hide it inside. We hold on to the lies and the horror. Over and over it goes through our head how stupid we are. How weak. How ashamed. How no one will ever like us. The lies take over and before you know it your mind is consumed with worry, dread, fear, guilt....the list goes on.
It's not something to get rid of over night. It takes time. Love. Honest. Practice. Compassion. Understanding. Knowledge. Faith. I still believe some of the lies. The lies are the hardest to stop.
Tuesday, October 02, 2012
what is agoraphobia?
noun Psychiatry .
Monday, October 01, 2012
i subscribe to this lady's blog. when i saw this challenge i had to to it. what was i going to write about? what did i want to tell about me? well my life story is agoraphobia so that was it. i want to help educate and help people that know me to understand more of what i go through. it isn't all about just not traveling, it's more than that. it's what's below all of it that makes it what it has become.
i've been hearing more and more lately about panic attacks, anxiety disorder, depression and agoraphobia. one of my main inspirations is "the bloggess." she sent a link today of the lady that has the blog and book "cake wrecks". she tells her story about anxiety and panic attacks here. that story was very right on with what she said. hopefully some that know me will read it and understand a bit more.
how does agoraphobia start? well it doesn't just start over night. i started having panic attacks in high school. my first one was on a boat on the Potomac river in washington dc. our band was on a 4 day trip in dc. actually, i remember having them on buses out of town to football games and one on the way to the airport to dc. but they went away. it felt like indigestion. i would unhook my bra hoping that would relieve some pressure that was in my chest. i remember one time in high school where our spanish class was going to kansas city to a mexican restaurant and a mall. i got on the bus and got off at the end of the schools drive way saying i was sick. i was totally ashamed and humiliated as my friend begged me to stay. i had no idea why i wanted off but i did. i don't remember panicking but i do remember that i know i was going no matter what.
so this panic attack on the potomac was my first full blown, knock you on your butt attack. we were on the upper deck of this boat and it came. all i remember is walking down stairs to the back of the boat. the boat had one of this big wheels in the back. i remember looking at it and wanting to jump. how was i going to make it 3 more days. i could go back home but i would have to fly back by myself. then suddenly it was gone. i don't remember must after that. i had a good time there. only time i felt anxious was a night.
then a few years later i met my ex-husband and that is when it got worse. that is when my world stopped expanding and settled into one area. there is so much to say and so much to explain, it will take me 31 days to explain and tell it.
in the following days i hope you all keep an open mind and realize that this is a real disorder. this isn't something people make up. this is who i am and will be for the rest of my life. anxiety will always be a part of me, i just need to learn to live with it and go on and not let it keep me from doing what i love. one day my saying will be "i have anxiety but it doesn't have me." it is real just like cancer, diabetes, any illness. i hope someone can benefit from my blog this month. and i hope everyone learns a bit more about me and that i am just another person on this planet, i just have something that keeps me back.