Tuesday, October 02, 2012

what is agoraphobia

day two of the "31 days to tell my story."

what is agoraphobia?

noun Psychiatry .
an abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas, sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks.
it used to be "fear of the market place." now they added the above and good. that explains more than "fear of the market place." a very vague description.
i'm not sure how mine got started. i could still go places after my first major panic attack in high school. nothing stopped me. they would come but they left and i didn't really think much of them other than "what the heck was that?" but then i got married. and what i didn't realize then was that i married too young and to the wrong person. life with down hill instead of up. i was able to go to where his family was two times before we got married. then the day we said "i do" it stopped. i really don't know why or how. about 4 to 5 months into our marriage i was really feeling the anxiety and panic. i didn't know what was going on. he told me that if it didn't stop that he would want a divorce. so then the pressure started. i didn't want him to leave. i mean after all i married him because i thought i wouldn't find anyone else. i didn't have a boyfriend in high school, expect one....so surely if he left i would be alone for the rest of my life.
so i tried. and we moved to joplin due to his job. i drove back to pittsburg every day to make sure i could get back to pittsburg. i don't think there was a day that went by that i didn't go. he worked crazy long hours so there was nothing to do anyways.
i was able to work in joplin. drive on my own. then after a year we moved back to pittsburg. then it went even further down hill. i would get on the highway and try. i still had attacks but they were only while driving or in the car. well, some at various places but i remember in the car the most and at night. over the years i tried more and more to please him and his family. his mom said i would never be a part of the family till i made it to springfield. his sister-in-law told me to get over a miscarriage because her daughter was pregnant and we needed to support her. i could never stand up for myself nor would he stand up for me.
everytime i panicked in the car he would yell at me. he would say things and i felt like crap. felt like a total failure. i never felt safe with him. i never felt like if we went anywhere he would be there for me no matter what. why i stayed with him longer than i should have was due to panic attacks. i felt lonely in my own home.
then i just gave up. i gave up because no matter how i tried it was never good enough. i just gave up. i'd get on the highway and go but that yelling would start again and the disappointment. i was stuck in so many ways. i was so unhappy. but who would i tell because they thought he was god.
agoraphobia just happened. it snuck up on me and bit me in the butt so hard. it sucked me in and drowned me in fear, shame, disappointment and dread. the fear of a panic attack stopped me from going on. the fear that what if i got too far from..... the what if i panicked and no one was there? he was always with me but i never felt save. many times i would want to pull over and let the panic subside but he wouldn't. he would make me go. you can't make someone go. it makes things worse. if i would have pulled over and took some deep breaths and relaxed i would have felt a lot better. but instead i was scared. i got scared if i knew i had to go somewhere. what if he yelled? what if i disappointed him again?
do i blame him for all of this? somewhat. it started before we were married but it got must worse afterwards. had he actually took the time to try to help things would have been a lot better. i hate thinking back to those days. i really do hate the guy. i hate how i could never express anything to help in fear of getting yelled at. i took everything in and held it there. how my brain processed it and let it go was up to my brain because i physically couldn't take it at times. one time i stood up to his mom and he yelled at me because i made her cry. my god...the times people in his family made me cry but that didn't matter.
what does all of this have to do with agoraphobia? the panic attacks start. when you don't take control of them the fear sets in and bam...you are stuck in that hole. i look back and wish things happened differently but i wouldn't be where i am today and not have what i have today. though those years took a tole on me and i know am agoraphobic, i don't think i would change a thing. i would have never met eric and we wouldn't have liam. i can work on my anxiety, i can beat it. but i would not want to live the rest of my life with that man.

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