Day 5 of "write your own story. Missed day 4, just didn't have the words.
Trust. One thing that is hard for me to do any more is trust. I cant trust people to tell my story. I can't trust that they won't turn around and run. That they won't talk about me and make fun of because they don't understand what is going on.
I gave my life to someone. I put all my trust in him. I trusted him to take care of me. To listen. To understand. To defend me. That trust broke when he started to yell at me during panic attacks. He wouldn't listen. He wouldn't try to make it better. I told friends about the anxiety, they stopped speaking to me. So if i open up to you it means i trust you. To me that is a huge step because i wasnt able to trust for many years.
One thing about anxiety is it robs you of your boldness. You aren't strong. You can't defend. Then the trust is lost on so many levels. I stopped trusting that he'd be there for me. He didn't defend me to his family. Would he just up and leave? I stopped trusting him when i was anxious and that made the anxiety worse. I felt there was no one around that i could be with that would help me. And soon i couldnt trust myself. I couldn't trust myself to be there for me when i needed myself. I relied too much on others and when i couldn't rely on them the trust stopped.
I keep to myself these days. I rarely open up. I am better at it. Over time i was able to see those whom i could trust and would be there for me and those that wouldnt be. I've learned a lot in the 4 years and I'm still learning. I still have trust issues but they aren't as bad. I'm working on it. But once i trust you, please don't do something to make me lose it because once i stop trusting i will never trust again.