Thursday, May 28, 2009

i really need to journal

i've been wanting to get a journal to write down stuff each day of my pregnancy. i want to remember as much as possible since it took me so long to get here. i don't know if i want a simple comp book to decorate or a hard bound book. all i know is that i need to write stuff down and remember. i can't believe i am 9 weeks and 2 days. time is actually going faster than i thought it would. i am getting more excited each day. looking at stuff in the baby department at work makes me happy. i can't wait to found out what we are having.

i go back to the dr on the 4th. we are hoping to hear the heart beat that day. i still haven't been sick. the only thing i really have is tireness and sore boobs! i am so glad i was able to stay on the lexapro. my moods are stable now. i'm not having the "i can't do this or don't want to do this" any more. energy is coming back slowly. i walked 2 times last week....this week will be more.

excited about 4th of july. we are trying to get the 3rd and 4th off and have a little mini vacation. i love that time of year. the smell. the fireworks. family. going to the park. ahhh, the good times!

i am trying to get back into scrapbooking and card making. a do a little each week. i bought a couple of magazines today and they did inspire me. need to figure out where this stuff will go since my scraproom of 5 months will now be the baby's room. i knew as soon as i made this my room i would get pregnant lol. but it is totally worth it.

off to watch mall cop.

Thursday, May 21, 2009


i haven't posted in a long time. i need to start posting now that things are changing and will change drastically in december. on april 27th i found out i was pregnant. when i took the test at home it was automatically positive. i was excited and happy. we weren't going to tell anyone at work but it kinda just slipped out. i was afraid that this was another loss. after going through 3, i assumed it would be another. the hcg number came back at 1,214! they have never been that high from the start, ever! this was a start to a new life for me soon.

i went off my lexapro because i figured it was for the best. i quit coldturkey thinking i was doing the right thing, boy was i wrong. for a week i was nervous, cried a lot, didn't want to go through any of this if it meant being pregnant would take my meds away that made me able to function. after a long, tiring week i went by the dr to see if i could take the lexapro. he said it was safe. thank god! i slowly started to feel better each day. i had to force myself to eat though. i did have the moments of "i don't want to do this. make it go away." it was all fear and anxiety from not having any meds to calm me down. i would look at each pregnant person and think "i wonder how she is living through all of this?" to me it was a doom, a dread.

slowly each day i felt better. my mind got more clear and i started to get excited. then at work i spotted. i went and got eric and we took off to the er. after 6 hours there all was well. they did an ultrasound and we saw a saw and a good rind. the tech was happy with that. still a week and 2 days before i saw the dr. i was used to seeing the dr asap, waiting over 2 weeks wasn't easy for me!

i joined a message board at i read other people's stories, good and bad. mainly the bad because i figured that would happen to me again. one thing with me is that i always think the worse. i don't know why because nothing terrible has happened. things that have happened ended why worried so much? i guess that is who i am and what i have always done. a part of the anxiety disorder is suppose.

finally may 14th came and i saw the dr. i was prepared for it to not be viable and to have a d and c the next day. i didn't think luck would be on my side. he explained that if we saw a heartbeat my chances of miscarrying would be 3 to 5 percent. we saw a heartbeat! with tears in my eyes i realized that finally this was true. i was at ease for the first time. though i still had some anxiety, i felt like i was finally going to be a mom.

since i found out i was pregnant it hasn't been an easy adjustment. i think if i stayed on my meds i would have been a lot better. i am feeling a lot better today. each day is a milestone. i haven't had morning sickness. i think there were maybe 3 or 4 times that when i ate i felt sick but barely. i've been tired a lot, headaches and whiney lol. the next appointment is on june 4th. we are hoping to hear a heartbeat on that day.

right now i am excited and so happy. there are times i am thinking "can i really give birth?" but i know i can. i am vowing to myself not to read bad stories and if i do not to obsess about it. there was a lady at babycenter that miscarried at 10weeks. i had to keep telling myself that i don't know anything about her. she isn't me and i am not her. one thing i am learning through all of this is to listen to my body. i was so used to popping a klonopin thinking i was nervous when it is really energy. if i was tired i would pop one thinking it was anxiety but my body is tired and needs rest.

there is still a lot to learn and a huge road ahead. i know i can do this. i've wanted this for so long. i am still thinking i can't be totally happy till the first trimester is over. i want to be happy and let it out but i am still afraid of getting attached and something happening. maybe june 4th's appointment will let go of all of that and let me relax and enjoy the many changes ahead. here's to december 29th or sooner when i see my first baby!