changes

i haven't posted in a long time. i need to start posting now that things are changing and will change drastically in december. on april 27th i found out i was pregnant. when i took the test at home it was automatically positive. i was excited and happy. we weren't going to tell anyone at work but it kinda just slipped out. i was afraid that this was another loss. after going through 3, i assumed it would be another. the hcg number came back at 1,214! they have never been that high from the start, ever! this was a start to a new life for me soon.

i went off my lexapro because i figured it was for the best. i quit coldturkey thinking i was doing the right thing, boy was i wrong. for a week i was nervous, cried a lot, didn't want to go through any of this if it meant being pregnant would take my meds away that made me able to function. after a long, tiring week i went by the dr to see if i could take the lexapro. he said it was safe. thank god! i slowly started to feel better each day. i had to force myself to eat though. i did have the moments of "i don't want to do this. make it go away." it was all fear and anxiety from not having any meds to calm me down. i would look at each pregnant person and think "i wonder how she is living through all of this?" to me it was a doom, a dread.

slowly each day i felt better. my mind got more clear and i started to get excited. then at work i spotted. i went and got eric and we took off to the er. after 6 hours there all was well. they did an ultrasound and we saw a saw and a good rind. the tech was happy with that. still a week and 2 days before i saw the dr. i was used to seeing the dr asap, waiting over 2 weeks wasn't easy for me!

i joined a message board at babycenter.com. i read other people's stories, good and bad. mainly the bad because i figured that would happen to me again. one thing with me is that i always think the worse. i don't know why because nothing terrible has happened. things that have happened ended good...so why worried so much? i guess that is who i am and what i have always done. a part of the anxiety disorder is suppose.

finally may 14th came and i saw the dr. i was prepared for it to not be viable and to have a d and c the next day. i didn't think luck would be on my side. he explained that if we saw a heartbeat my chances of miscarrying would be 3 to 5 percent. we saw a heartbeat! with tears in my eyes i realized that finally this was true. i was at ease for the first time. though i still had some anxiety, i felt like i was finally going to be a mom.

since i found out i was pregnant it hasn't been an easy adjustment. i think if i stayed on my meds i would have been a lot better. i am feeling a lot better today. each day is a milestone. i haven't had morning sickness. i think there were maybe 3 or 4 times that when i ate i felt sick but barely. i've been tired a lot, headaches and whiney lol. the next appointment is on june 4th. we are hoping to hear a heartbeat on that day.

right now i am excited and so happy. there are times i am thinking "can i really give birth?" but i know i can. i am vowing to myself not to read bad stories and if i do not to obsess about it. there was a lady at babycenter that miscarried at 10weeks. i had to keep telling myself that i don't know anything about her. she isn't me and i am not her. one thing i am learning through all of this is to listen to my body. i was so used to popping a klonopin thinking i was nervous when it is really energy. if i was tired i would pop one thinking it was anxiety but my body is tired and needs rest.

there is still a lot to learn and a huge road ahead. i know i can do this. i've wanted this for so long. i am still thinking i can't be totally happy till the first trimester is over. i want to be happy and let it out but i am still afraid of getting attached and something happening. maybe june 4th's appointment will let go of all of that and let me relax and enjoy the many changes ahead. here's to december 29th or sooner when i see my first baby!