Monday, March 31, 2014


yesterday was amazing. the first sunday in so long that there was peace. we went to two parks and got some ice cream. the weather was perfect. i felt at peace and blessed. there was no anxiety. no fears. just me and my family having fun.

the thing with anxiety is you never know when it will start up. i've been taking 40mgs of celexa. i decided that wast too much and backed off to 20mgs. no dr's orders. did it myself. my choice. something has been up for months and i really think it is the meds....well the winter time didn't help but the amount of anxiety and panic attacks is actually the worse ever.

i want to get off of pepsi. i want to start eating right. i want to look into foods that help anxiety and depression. essential oils also. i'm slowly educating myself on what is good to help. i know pumpkin seeds are one things that help. as i'm getting older i am realizing that my body isn't tolerating the caffeine like it once did. i had coffee this morning and jitters came up. so yeah...i probably need to stop coffee too.

little changes. little things that will make life easier and free  less anxiety. it will be a slow process but i have to start sometime. liam is getting old enough to where he wants to go do things and i want to take him. one knows how much this tears at my heart what i go through. i'm always thinking how i want to do this and that with him and then the thoughts of panic come. there is always the "what if i panic" that comes to mind. hopefully the therapist will help with that next week.

sigh. deep breath. it will work out.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

a change????

the last few months has been challenging. a lot more anxiety and panic attacks then i have had in years. i don't know if it is hormones, meds or me. i don't know what to do or how to do it. but....i feel this change that is happening. we started going back to church in september. i remember going to the alter for an alter call for people that wanted to hear from God and what He wants us to do to make a difference. i asked God to let me know what it is i am suppose to do. i think he is slowly telling me. God and I's relationship is not easy. i want Him to automatically heal me, He wants me to listen to myself and learn. i'm not patient, He wants me to be patient. i don't feel strong, He thinks i am strong and can handle what comes to me....He wants me to realize He is my strength. i don't trust anyone these days. He wants me to put my trust in Him and know all will be ok.

in the several months since that alter call i really haven't done much. i was thinking last night about how things have changed. i don't like to scrapbook any more. i vegetate and watch  more tv. i'm on the ipad a lot. i'm avoiding a lot more. in the terms of my sister-in-law, i am a hermit. i go to work. i come home and fix dinner, sometimes it is through a drive thru. and then i do nothing. i have no desire. i have no will. nothing. the anxiety and panic has become worse. i read my devotionals, well read them. work has stressed me more than it normally has to where i don't want to work any more. it's like i went into hibernation like a bear.

i changed my meds back in oct/nov. i think it was a mistake. since then things have went down hill. i'm kinda thinking that the meds are the real reason for all that has been happening. i see a new therapist in a week, i'm going to ask her if i should switch meds. i think i should. i blame the meds for what is going on. why? well, i can't even take a z-pac because of it causing heart problems. there is a huge list of counter actions. i read other ones and celexa has more than a lot of them. i wish i could get off the meds all together. i started them when i was first married to my ex. been on them for 20 years....really don't know how to feel anything any more. no idea what truly makes me happy or sad. don't know if my anger is from meds or myself. meds help one thing but bring out others. sucks.

so what do i want to do now that is is warm and time to come out of hibernation?

well, first it will be the new therapist. i need some coping skills for when i'm anxious so i won't go into a completely panic attack.
second. meditation. i really need to do this each night. when i mediate i feel amazing. i want to find a good guided meditation, those really help!
third. get out of the house. i want to go out and explore. being agoraphobic is hard to do that but i will get out and extend my boundries one mile at a time.
forth. do yoga. i've been wanting to try this. i know it will help a lot.
fifth. spend more time studying God's word.
sixth. eat better. that means no pepsi. ugh. but it must be done. eric made a good observation the other night. when we first got together i didn't drink pop and my anxiety was barely there. i drink a lot more pop now. with anxiety disorder i shouldn't drink anything with caffeine but i do. so that needs to stop.

there is a lot more to work on but i won't get overwhelmed. i think God is wanting me to talk more about my agoraphobia and anxiety issues. when i did a google search i found a few blogs on it but rarely written on. i want to educate people and help the ones out there that deal with it and feel alone. i know i feel so alone when i'm out and panic happens. i feel like an idiot, a failure. like i am the lowest person on earth. so so ashamed. i want to put up videos when i am out and talk about what is going on. i want people to understand that mental illness is real and not a freak show. yep, i will be blogging more and writing my thoughts more. i hope that i can reach at least one person to educate or help. i hope this helps me gain strength and wisdom to help myself. we go!