yesterday

yesterday was amazing. the first sunday in so long that there was peace. we went to two parks and got some ice cream. the weather was perfect. i felt at peace and blessed. there was no anxiety. no fears. just me and my family having fun.

the thing with anxiety is you never know when it will start up. i've been taking 40mgs of celexa. i decided that wast too much and backed off to 20mgs. no dr's orders. did it myself. my choice. something has been up for months and i really think it is the meds....well the winter time didn't help but the amount of anxiety and panic attacks is actually the worse ever.

i want to get off of pepsi. i want to start eating right. i want to look into foods that help anxiety and depression. essential oils also. i'm slowly educating myself on what is good to help. i know pumpkin seeds are one things that help. as i'm getting older i am realizing that my body isn't tolerating the caffeine like it once did. i had coffee this morning and jitters came up. so yeah...i probably need to stop coffee too.

little changes. little things that will make life easier and free  less anxiety. it will be a slow process but i have to start sometime. liam is getting old enough to where he wants to go do things and i want to take him. god...no one knows how much this tears at my heart what i go through. i'm always thinking how i want to do this and that with him and then the thoughts of panic come. there is always the "what if i panic" that comes to mind. hopefully the therapist will help with that next week.

sigh. deep breath. it will work out.