Sunday, December 02, 2012
i told myself this time i will: 1. use what i have. i will not hoard things. i will not "wait to see if there is a better picture for this..." 2. before i buy more stuff i will see what i have and what will go with it. 3. i will not buy a bunch of stuff just because it is popular. i got in trouble the last time. never used things and sold them cheap. 4. i will watch for bargains. i want to try to stick to getting things on sale. i know there will be a time or two where i can't and will have to pay full price but i will try to watch sales and stick to budgets. 5. i will NOT compare my work with others. i will enjoy the process. i love watching liam look through layouts of the past and see people that he knows like us, the grandparents, etc. it will be really awesome when he is 10 and see's what we did this year. i want him to remember as much as possible.
i'm doing a december daily this year. i'm using an amy tangerine day book that i got at the 2peas sale. it has pages in side of different styles and sizes. love it! my book won't have a december/christmas feel to it and that is ok. the day that is christmas will have enough. december isn't all about christmas, it is about his birthday as well. and not all we do is christmas related so therefore...no christmas kind of album. here it is:
i'll show the pages as i go. i will start posting more and sharing more things.
i was going to show my first layout in 2 years but for some reason blogger says i am over my limit of file size. ok...new stuff to me! ugh.
ok...off to play!
Sunday, November 18, 2012
i haven't loaded any pictures since october 28th to the computer. i'm just at a blah spot with scrapbooking, or maybe it was no internet and i just didn't care about doing anything. withdrawl symptoms anyone??? so tonight or tomorrow i hope to upload more photos and get project life caught up. i need a new album to finish out the year. hope to order one this week. though i wonder if i could get just 2 more months in there???? maybe i should try. think i might.
i really want to get back to paper scrapping. i joined studio calico's monthly paper and card kit. yes, two monthly kits. things are looking up and so much better for us financially so i am taking that plunge. you can cancel at anytime so why not? maybe this will jump start me into getting creative again?! i did decide to make a december daily album as well. since liam is old enough now to kinda see what christmas is all about, i want to start documenting more. and since i really love the holidays, i want to remember them the most. so hopefully all of this will get me back into using and adhesive and not so much of the computer. though i sooo love digial layouts, i really need to feel what i am working with sometimes!
ok...now to get off of here and upload some photos and work on project life! tomorrow i will share some recent pictures.
Monday, October 08, 2012
so back to pinterest monday. i stopped doing it because there was all of this talk of people stealing ideas and such. but i want to bring it back. share with you all neat stuff i saw on there! click on the image for the link to the person's site.
Friday, October 05, 2012
Day 5 of "write your own story. Missed day 4, just didn't have the words.
Trust. One thing that is hard for me to do any more is trust. I cant trust people to tell my story. I can't trust that they won't turn around and run. That they won't talk about me and make fun of because they don't understand what is going on.
I gave my life to someone. I put all my trust in him. I trusted him to take care of me. To listen. To understand. To defend me. That trust broke when he started to yell at me during panic attacks. He wouldn't listen. He wouldn't try to make it better. I told friends about the anxiety, they stopped speaking to me. So if i open up to you it means i trust you. To me that is a huge step because i wasnt able to trust for many years.
One thing about anxiety is it robs you of your boldness. You aren't strong. You can't defend. Then the trust is lost on so many levels. I stopped trusting that he'd be there for me. He didn't defend me to his family. Would he just up and leave? I stopped trusting him when i was anxious and that made the anxiety worse. I felt there was no one around that i could be with that would help me. And soon i couldnt trust myself. I couldn't trust myself to be there for me when i needed myself. I relied too much on others and when i couldn't rely on them the trust stopped.
I keep to myself these days. I rarely open up. I am better at it. Over time i was able to see those whom i could trust and would be there for me and those that wouldnt be. I've learned a lot in the 4 years and I'm still learning. I still have trust issues but they aren't as bad. I'm working on it. But once i trust you, please don't do something to make me lose it because once i stop trusting i will never trust again.
Wednesday, October 03, 2012
Day 3 of "31 days to tell my story"
What is a panic attack? Hmmmm let's see. Your heart starts slowly go faster and faster. It beats so hard you think it will jump out of your throat. You start getting hot. For me it starts in my gut. My stomach starts to heat up and then my head. I get weak in the knees. I have a bewilderment feeling. I can see but no idea where i am. I'm scared that i will lose my mind. My throat feels dry. I need water. I shake. Jittery. I want to run but to where? I see people but even if i know them i don't know they are there.
Sometimes these lasts for a few seconds. Mainly about 30 seconds.or so. Thankfully i havent had a full blown attack in years. They are the scariest things I've ever went threw.
When you have an attack at a certain place a couple of times, your subconscious mind thinks that place is what made you panic. It starts to associate panic with example, walmart. You walk in and you can't go any further than the registers. it happened before. Surely, this place is what causes it. Walmart, cars, highways, restaurant, anywhere where you panicked, it will now be a place that you avoid so you won't panic. Then all the sudden you go to your mailbox and it happens. Omg.....now it is following me home? And now you don't feel safe anywhere. The fear of that panic attack that scares you so bad, stops your life. Stops you in your tracks and says "you're weak. You can't do this. Are you kidding me? Go to a store where there is no safe person? Ha!" The lies start. Your mind lies to you and you believe it all because what sane person would be going through all of this? What sane person would avoid the highways? Lies but to you it is the truth.
1out of 4 people have some sort of anxiety. Why dont we hear more about it? Because it is not normal to not drive out of town. To not take an elevator. To not not be able to go to the store by yourself. People will talk. People will make fun of you. They don't understand. They haven't been through it so why should they understand. People commit suicide because they feel they cant tell anyone what is going on. They have to be strong they are the father. If i tell them i can't ...... they will laugh. So we hide it inside. We hold on to the lies and the horror. Over and over it goes through our head how stupid we are. How weak. How ashamed. How no one will ever like us. The lies take over and before you know it your mind is consumed with worry, dread, fear, guilt....the list goes on.
It's not something to get rid of over night. It takes time. Love. Honest. Practice. Compassion. Understanding. Knowledge. Faith. I still believe some of the lies. The lies are the hardest to stop.
Tuesday, October 02, 2012
what is agoraphobia?
noun Psychiatry .
Monday, October 01, 2012
i subscribe to this lady's blog. when i saw this challenge i had to to it. what was i going to write about? what did i want to tell about me? well my life story is agoraphobia so that was it. i want to help educate and help people that know me to understand more of what i go through. it isn't all about just not traveling, it's more than that. it's what's below all of it that makes it what it has become.
i've been hearing more and more lately about panic attacks, anxiety disorder, depression and agoraphobia. one of my main inspirations is "the bloggess." she sent a link today of the lady that has the blog and book "cake wrecks". she tells her story about anxiety and panic attacks here. that story was very right on with what she said. hopefully some that know me will read it and understand a bit more.
how does agoraphobia start? well it doesn't just start over night. i started having panic attacks in high school. my first one was on a boat on the Potomac river in washington dc. our band was on a 4 day trip in dc. actually, i remember having them on buses out of town to football games and one on the way to the airport to dc. but they went away. it felt like indigestion. i would unhook my bra hoping that would relieve some pressure that was in my chest. i remember one time in high school where our spanish class was going to kansas city to a mexican restaurant and a mall. i got on the bus and got off at the end of the schools drive way saying i was sick. i was totally ashamed and humiliated as my friend begged me to stay. i had no idea why i wanted off but i did. i don't remember panicking but i do remember that i know i was going no matter what.
so this panic attack on the potomac was my first full blown, knock you on your butt attack. we were on the upper deck of this boat and it came. all i remember is walking down stairs to the back of the boat. the boat had one of this big wheels in the back. i remember looking at it and wanting to jump. how was i going to make it 3 more days. i could go back home but i would have to fly back by myself. then suddenly it was gone. i don't remember must after that. i had a good time there. only time i felt anxious was a night.
then a few years later i met my ex-husband and that is when it got worse. that is when my world stopped expanding and settled into one area. there is so much to say and so much to explain, it will take me 31 days to explain and tell it.
in the following days i hope you all keep an open mind and realize that this is a real disorder. this isn't something people make up. this is who i am and will be for the rest of my life. anxiety will always be a part of me, i just need to learn to live with it and go on and not let it keep me from doing what i love. one day my saying will be "i have anxiety but it doesn't have me." it is real just like cancer, diabetes, any illness. i hope someone can benefit from my blog this month. and i hope everyone learns a bit more about me and that i am just another person on this planet, i just have something that keeps me back.
Monday, September 24, 2012
here are a few cakes that i have made at work.
i have a lot to say but my fingers are working fast enough nor is my brain. i started a blog on agoraphobia. it's blank so far as i just started it yesterday. i hope to write all i can about my experience and maybe it will be theraputic???? not sure yet if i will share it with others as it is a touchy, shameful subject. i really do want to write a book but man...i don't have time to write a book. unless they paid me in advance so i could take off work.....
we got new next door neighbors and they have a son that is 4 months younger than liam. we went over and played with thim friday night. they had a blast. mom's name is amber. she says that draven hasn't had anyone to play with as far as neighbors, liam hasn't either at least one that is the same age. they both love trucks and balls. they bought the house so now i really want to stay here and not move. which means that i really want to repaint and redo the house. amber and i seem to have some things in common. just want we all needed! makes me happy!
Sunday, September 09, 2012
i think i found out why i am getting over this sinus stuff as fast as i usually do. at work i use an air brush to color cakes. there is color in the air. you wipe down the counter and it is usually blue or a brown, sometimes green. i breathe that stuff in. i think it is hindering my recovery. that stuff sticks to my chest and won't let the mucus go. so i started to wear a mask. i do feel a difference. when i blow my nose or if i have mucus come up it is that color that is on the counter that i wipe down. that can't be good for you? lol so a mask it is. even if i feel like a total dork and think that people are wondering if i have some disease...i always worry about the stupidest stuff. i finally told myself "who cares. it is for my health."
last weekend we took liam to ride some horses during our town's annual, "Little Balkans Day." It happens every Labor Day. I thought he would freak out and want eric to walk next to him. Ohhhh, no. he loved it. he didn't want off. i loved watching his face light up. it's what i live for! thankfully the rain stopped for a few so he could ride.
now to find someone that has a horse so he can spend more than 3 minutes on a horse.....
Thursday, September 06, 2012
I've been asking myself a lot lately if I'm raising Liam right. Growing up i didnt have many people around my age. My brothers are much older than me. When we'd go to my grandparents very rarely would any cousins be there. I was never around any kids that were under 5, ever. I had friends that had kids but due to me working evenings i rarely saw them. So I'm taking all i know from my "motherly instincts."
I've been worrying too much about what others think. Should he being doing this or that? I really have no idea what I'm doing. I worry about what people think and say about me. Like if I'm doing things wrong. I love my son with all of my heart and soul. I'd do anything for him.
I so want to move out of our house. There is no yard for him to play. I saw this trailer for sale on the way to work with a big fenced in yard. I'd love to get it for him. So he can play and run without fear of cars. But i doubt we can. There's always something stopping something.
I hope I'm doing good. I think i am. He doesnt do things for us like he does for others, especially his sitter, but from what i hear that's common. He's healthy. He's happy. He's clothed. We have the main things down. Now if i could just relax and know I'm doing ok.
Monday, September 03, 2012
liam had been sick. it started that tuesday before. he started running a fever. we stayed home on wednesday and that night we ended up in the er. we waited for two hours. he had hardly any sleep due to the fever. he finally fell asleep while we waited in the er. we left because they never saw us. "too busy" to come in and check to see if the tylenol he threw up had actually worked or not. he threw up maybe 5 minutes later. "oh i am sure it went down." we were so mad. how can you ignore a baby with a fever. our er only had one dr. if there are so many people then they should call in a 2nd dr.
so we went home and continued to deal with vomiting, diarrhea and fevers. work was hounding us because we had been picked for the remodel crew but we had to call in. when he is sick we are both home. that's just how it is with us, ok? friday we went to pay a bill and he vomited in the car. i had had enough and was so scared and stressed by this. we went right to the er. when they triaged him his temp was 105. i just about screamed. "dont' worry mom, it is ok" the triage nurse said. so we get back and wait. they put in an iv to give him fluids. at this time he still hasn't peed. we are pretty sure he hasn't because it was hard to tell due to the diarrhea.
here we are in the er. asleep on daddy. i think the fluids were helping him. he only let me hold him once while he was in the hospital, wait twice. he always wanted daddy or grandpa. they said they would give him a bag of fluids and then send him home. i told the nurse i wasn't comfortable with going home. she agreed since he hasn't peed. they admitted him. it was friday before labor day.
the nurses on the ped floor were amazing. i could not ask for better nurses and aides. the hospital didn't have something that the dr ordered. so one nurse went and got it at walmart. it was something for diarrhea if i remember right. they were all over him. grateful for them.
he was fussy again. i thought maybe he was tired of being in that room. it had been 2.5 days. he hadn't been outside. he loves being outside. we asked the dr if he could go outside. no but he could go down to the cafeteria. he hadn't been eating or drinking either at this point. we all thought if he went there and had something besides what they brought he would eat. nope. didn't work. that evening he threw up this naste green bile. thankfully his dr was on call then. she hadn't been all weekend. i guess for the holiday. it was ok because we had a dr that had been around for years and we figured he was good since we had heard so much about him. she has come in not too long after he threw up. we showed her the towel and she ordered a stomach xray. she said she wanted to read them. she came back and told us there was so much gas that it was hard to read but looked like a blockage in the bowel. he needed to be flown to a better hospital, well one that took kids. well...yeah a better hospital.
i held him and for the first time in my life prayed out loud. i felt a peace. we finally knew something. we waited and waited for answers. now we knew something. i knew it would be ok. we all were in hall and it hit me as the eagle med crew comes around the corner with their stretcher that he was leaving. there is nothing like seeing your son take off in a medical helicopter.
this was around 8 in the evening when they took him. i have so much i want to write about how it effected me and my agoraphobia but i can't right now. i can't make people understand how i felt so why even write about it. no one would understand unless they have it. maybe one day i will write about it.
we found out the next morning after an ultrasound that it was him appendix. they had ruptured, we are assuming when he got to wichita. thank god because had they ruptured here.....appendix are easy to fix i thought. i felt relief. surgery did go good.
we were all so shocked, especially his dr's, that it was his appendix. he was 20 months old when they burst. who knew that could happen to a baby? dr's at wesley medical center said it really isn't uncommon to see this. that when they do it is usually a few at a time then nothing. his surgeon put in the report "no 18 month old should have his appendix burst. ever." he was 20 months but still. no it shouldn't happen.
i thank god for my miracle. it took me 19 years to have him. i tried and lost many times to get pregnant. 3 miscarriages before him. he is our miracle. and i knew god would take care of him through all of this. even though i felt peace i still felt pain, worry...it's normal to feel that. today the scare is still there but it gets lighter and lighter. he is his normal self. i worried for months if an abcess would come back. he gets a cold and runs a low grade fever and i freak. heck, i still freak lol. he's my baby. he's my joy. my life. even if we are going through some bad fits he still is my miracle.
i wish i could write how i felt through all of this but i still can't, especially the agoraphobia part. people won't get it. they won't understand. they just see what they want to see so why try? i gave up on trying to explain. you can't explain to anyone that has never had a panic attack or avoided places due to a panic attack. i'm thinking of starting a blog just for agoraphobia. like i have the time lol. maybe one day.
Sunday, September 02, 2012
he really is a good kid. he is getting better at his manners. he's doing a lot better in so many areas, then all the suddens these massive fits come out. if we are leaving somewhere and he doesn't want to leave, he will fight getting into his car seat. he will scream. kick. cry. say "daddy, daddy, daddy" over and over again. it is really getting to us. more me than eric. i am not a patient person. i guess i expect him to just stop all of the sudden and be quit. one thing i read somewhere is that we expect them to understand us at our level. i need to remember that is just a toddler and that he is learning. i need to stop before i explode. i don't want him thinking he can't be around me because i will get mad. yes...i explode to easily it seems. i am better than i used to be though. actually, i'm pretty good about things with him but not these fits. it's the screaming that gets to me. it's also not being able to talk to him and calm him down. i do say things in a calm normal voice and when he doesn't stop and gets louder, then i get loud and well....it just goes down hill.
it's also hard when all he wants is eric. very rarely will he come to me when he is upset. he is a daddy's boyi get that. but it gets to me at times and hurts. and yes...i am glad they have a great relationship but i am often feeling "what about me?" i tried explaining this before but got no where. i wonder if i am doing a good job. i wonder if i am raising him right. i wonder and worry about so much. i want him to grow up to be happy. to be his own person. i have never been around kids for more than maybe an hour or two. my niece and nephews would stay the night with me but they were much older. toddlers....a whole new ball game. i really have no idea what i am doing.
working full-time, making sure the house is running (bills, food, laundry, etc) and being a mom is 3 jobs in itself. sometimes i feel like i'm being tossed 15 different ways. but i wouldn't trade any of this for anything. i wanted to be a mommy for so long and i am so glad it is here. i know that each year will be new things we will all learn as he grows. good and bad will come. i just need to figure out how i will handle them as they come.
why didn't they give me a book when he was born on this motherhood? :)
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Feeling better tonight, mentally that is. Dealing with sinus issues is no fun. Every time the temperature changes drastically my head feels it. It went from a daily temp of 100+ to the 80's. I don't know.if it even reached 80 today. Rained today thank God! We had nearly 60 days of 100+ degree weather. For the next 10 days the highest is 95'ish. Gotta love that!
Potty training was better tonight. Sponge Bob even helped out. I pretended like sponge bob was holding his.... to go potty. Liam held his and peed standing up. Lol. Only happened once but he'll get the hang of it.
He was found in his toy box. "Daddy come find me." Dork got in there and hid. Lol i love that kid!
Monday, August 13, 2012
i know what my check will be like and it is great but it will go to some property taxes we need to pay. though i am very thankful that the money is there for that, it seems like we can never treat ourselves to anything. i'd love to get new scrapbook stuff but no. i'd love to join close to my heart. this month it is just $50 to join and you get this really awesome bag. but the taxes. stupid ex left me with back taxes that i have been trying to get caught up on for a couple of years.
which brings me to this...i want out of this friggin house. i hate it. the bathroom floor is bad. it will be to be replaced by winter, has to be! the kitchen is so small.i want to teach liam how to bake things. he liked filling up the cupcakes yesterday. i could say so many things but i just want out. i'm so tired of this house. so tired of it all. i want out!!!!!! but how? where would we go?
liam's potty training isn't going that great. he'll pee for everyone else but there at home, no. he throws a fit that he has to stop what he is doing to go. we praise him, tell him what a good, big boy he is when he does go, so i don't get it. i'm frustrated. i feel like i can't talk about things he does because when i bring things up people's comments make me feel like i am a bad mom. all i want is help. tell me a good plan or who you did it. don't tell me "well at least...." no....i don't know what i am doing half of the time so i just want a little compassion and not the riot act. i havent been around kids that much so i really have no clue what the heck i am doing sometimes.
there's just so much i think about. bills. are we raising him right. am i a good mom. am i a good wife. what will we have for dinner. make sure i get the hours i need (which that problem is solved now to make sure eric gets the hours he needs for us to make it). sometimes i feel like i am going to lose it.
no one ever calls or texts to see how things are going. i used to but then stopped because no one does it for me. i'm tired of trying to make things work everywhere. if people wanted to be my friend they'd call or text too.
just not in a fun mood today. too much crap going on. i just want to go to bed and sleep till work tomorrow but i can't. who would fix dinner? i kinda just want to give up on things. what's the use of working hard if i can't enjoy some me time? when i can buy a few things to scrapbook with. "oh well that's part of life. you work and work." no.....i need something for an outlet to release stress.
i don't know why i am posting this. guess i need to rant. guess i just want one person to tell me they understand and that they can help in some way.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
they all went to the park. we have a great park just 2 blocks from our house.
then they went to the mall where the girls bought him a sponge bob balloon.
we had big news this week. liam pooped in the potty. only happened once but it was great! here he is talking on the phone and playing the sax. he likes to multitask......he got from me. :)
at work i had a request to do a gender reveal cake. i cut the cake in half and put pink in the middle. when they cut the cake they will see what the sex is of the baby. it was fun to make though i heard the gal didn't like the green on it. people are never happy lol
love, love, love, love my job! i got to see what my first full-time paycheck is today....omg!!!! sooo happy!!!! thank you god for this blessing. we really need it!
have a happy week!
Wednesday, August 08, 2012
this was my first tiered cake. again, was kind of in a rush so it could have been better. each day i get better. i made one yesterday but out of whipped icing. i hate when people order these tiered cakes and want whipped icing. whipped does not look good. and in this heat, if you use an air brush for color, it fades very fast. people don't care though. if i am paying money for a cake i want it to look good when i get to where i am going. i wish whipped wasn't an option for cakes.
this i was in a rush to make. not sure if i like it or not but the customer did and that is all that matters. it was to match a napkin...that is always fun! lol. i am also better at base icing 2 layers. one thing with using an already made up icing, is that sometimes it is hard. sometimes you can use it and sometimes you are better off to just throw it out. and sometimes it is hard to base ice anything when the icing is a bit dry...well that is all the time actually. i think i have gotten through the older icing that the other cake decorator used. she would leave the lid off all the time and dry out the icing, hense the reason why my hand hurt. it hasn't hurt since i have been using softer icing!
today we got a new order book for the customers to look at. it was like christmas for me! there were some cakes i had never seen. so i made a list of things i may want to order. one thing that i am proud to say is that compared to the other stores in town, we have the biggest variety of cakes to choose from. and that is a good thing!!!!
and that is it for now as blogger won't let me add any more. wonder what is up with that????
Tuesday, August 07, 2012
i really think the tendons in my hand are just getting use to decorating. my hand feels a ton better than it did. if i use really hard icing it will get bad so i don't do that any more. i really love my job and want to keep it so i am taking care and doing exercises, when i remember. i love how i can create with icing, just another medium to use to create art.
grrrr...i was trying to upload some cakes i've made lately but it won't let me. maybe tomorrow it will. it's crazy, i am now saying that i look forward to work and that i can't wait to go.i love playing with color and the different tips. i love how i am getting better at the air gun. i love how this girl loved her zebra print cake even though i thought it looked like crap.
the images still won't upload so i'll try tomorrow night.
Monday, August 06, 2012
so this morning we went to mcdonald's because he wanted that last night too, and then to the park. and he played hard!
he loves the slide. he loves climbing up it too.
this is my favorite shot from today:
he wanted to run the basketball court. so we let him run and "slam dunk" a few "balls." he pretended he had a basketball and was dunking it. total crack up! then he found walnuts and threw those up and down the court.
love this shot of him in the plastic tubes.
he didn't want to get out....
at one point he waved his arm for me to stay back. there are a set of steps that are steep. nope...he didn't want any help. dude is getting big and mr. independent he is. i had fun watching him take off and play and play. he's getting to where we can sit and watch and let him go. he does his own thing.
pottying! we are doing great on pottying. he is officially out of diapers. we had to put one on him last night though as he had an accident and we were away from home. he wears pull-ups to bed. he gets so happy when it hears it actually going into the toilet. there are times when he doesn't "tuck it in" and it goes on the tub or into his shoes. lol.
i was with him in his room yesterday and noticed his baby carrier. i asked myself if i wanted to go back to when he was a baby. no.....i enjoy every step of this journey we are all in. every day is something new. i don't want to go back in time. i miss when i could snuggle him up to my neck but i can still do that even if he is 2. he's talking so much more. it's like he changes and grows over night. it's really an amazing experience. i love being a mom.i don't care that i had to wait so long. he's here now and that is all that matters!