Monday, September 03, 2012

a year ago

it was a year ago today, labor day, that changed our world. i wanted to write about this so many times but i couldn't. i couldn't see the pictures and remember how we could have lost him. we were close. but God had other plans and saved him. i mean it was a miracle that saved him and that miracle was God.

liam had been sick. it started that tuesday before. he started running a fever. we stayed home on wednesday and that night we ended up in the er. we waited for two hours. he had hardly any sleep due to the fever. he finally fell asleep while we waited in the er. we left because they never saw us. "too busy" to come in and check to see if the tylenol he threw up had actually worked or not. he threw up maybe 5 minutes later. "oh i am sure it went down." we were so mad. how can you ignore a baby with a fever. our er only had one dr. if there are so many people then they should call in a 2nd dr.

so we went home and continued to deal with vomiting, diarrhea and fevers. work was hounding us because we had been picked for the remodel crew but we had to call in. when he is sick we are both home. that's just how it is with us, ok? friday we went to pay a bill and he vomited in the car. i had had enough and was so scared and stressed by this. we went right to the er. when they triaged him his temp was 105. i just about screamed. "dont' worry mom, it is ok" the triage nurse said. so we get back and wait. they put in an iv to give him fluids. at this time he still hasn't peed. we are pretty sure he hasn't because it was hard to tell due to the diarrhea.

here we are in the er. asleep on daddy. i think the fluids were helping him. he only let me hold him once while he was in the hospital, wait twice. he always wanted daddy or grandpa. they said they would give him a bag of fluids and then send him home. i told the nurse i wasn't comfortable with going home. she agreed since he hasn't peed. they admitted him. it was friday before labor day.

the nurses on the ped floor were amazing. i could not ask for better nurses and aides. the hospital didn't have something that the dr ordered. so one nurse went and got it at walmart. it was something for diarrhea if i remember right. they were all over him. grateful for them.

to get his fevers down they put this cover over him that had veins in it. it was hooked up to a water tank, the only way i can describe it. the tank would cool the water, the water would filter through the "blanket." this did help the fevers to go down but soon they would come back up. more vomited. more diarrhea.

by sunday he is feeling better. he will go for wagon rides. he'd sit at the computer and play. he was even walking around. iv pole barely caught up with him. :) his color looked better. all this time all test were coming back negative. white cell count was still normal. it was all a mystery. the dr thought it was a virus. and we thought he was on the mend as we watched him play and laugh. then monday came.

he was fussy again.  i thought maybe he was tired of being in that room. it had been 2.5 days. he hadn't been outside. he loves being outside. we asked the dr if he could go outside. no but he could go down to the cafeteria. he hadn't been eating or drinking either at this point. we all thought if he went there and had something besides what they brought he would eat. nope. didn't work. that evening he threw up this naste green bile. thankfully his dr was on call then. she hadn't been all weekend. i guess for the holiday. it was ok because we had a dr that had been around for years and we figured he was good since we had heard so much about him. she has come in not too long after he threw up. we showed her the towel and she ordered a stomach xray. she said she wanted to read them. she came back and told us there was so much gas that it was hard to read but looked like a blockage in the bowel. he needed to be flown to a better hospital, well one that took kids. well...yeah a better hospital.

i held him and for the first time in my life prayed out loud. i felt a peace. we finally knew something. we waited and waited for answers. now we knew something. i knew it would be ok. we all were in hall and it hit me as the eagle med crew comes around the corner with their stretcher that he was leaving. there is nothing like seeing your son take off in a medical helicopter.

this was around 8 in the evening when they took him. i have so much i want to write about how it effected me and my agoraphobia but i can't right now. i can't make people understand how i felt so why even write about it. no one would understand unless they have it. maybe one day i will write about it.

we found out the next morning after an ultrasound that it was him appendix. they had ruptured, we are assuming when he got to wichita. thank god because had they ruptured here.....appendix are easy to fix i thought. i felt relief. surgery did go good.

he looks so sad and in pain. his with grandpa here. my baby all cut open. a central line. it breaks me.
he's drinking that pedialite like it's going out of style! drink away buddy!
 a week later he comes home. two days later he has another fever. CT scan confirms what the dr's told us to watch for, an abcess. so back to wichita he goes, this time in an ambulance. he could have went by car but with a fever i didn't want to chance it. i felt he was more safe going that way then in a car. at night it would be harder to find a hospital from here to there. his in the hospital for another week. they did a ct scan before he went home to make sure there wasn't another abcess. three dr's looked at the film and all felt it was safe for him to go home.

we were all so shocked, especially his dr's, that it was his appendix. he was 20 months old when they burst. who knew that could happen to a baby? dr's at wesley medical center said it really isn't uncommon to see this. that when they do it is usually a few at a time then nothing. his surgeon put in the report "no 18 month old should have his appendix burst. ever." he was 20 months but still. no it shouldn't happen.

i thank god for my miracle. it took me 19 years to have him. i tried and lost many times to get pregnant. 3 miscarriages before him. he is our miracle. and i knew god would take care of him through all of this. even though i felt peace i still felt pain,'s normal to feel that. today the scare is still there but it gets lighter and lighter. he is his normal self. i worried for months if an abcess would come back. he gets a cold and runs a low grade fever and i freak. heck, i still freak lol. he's my baby. he's my joy. my life. even if we are going through some bad fits he still is my miracle.

i wish i could write how i felt through all of this but i still can't, especially the agoraphobia part. people won't get it. they won't understand. they just see what they want to see so why try? i gave up on trying to explain. you can't explain to anyone that has never had a panic attack or avoided places due to a panic attack. i'm thinking of starting a blog just for agoraphobia. like i have the time lol. maybe one day.

1 comment:

Sally said...

I am so glad you baby boy is healthy and happy today. What a difference a year makes! My oldest had surgery at 18 months. There is nothing like watching nurses take your baby from you, standing behind the closing OR doors.
You really should write about your agoraphobia when you are ready. You would be surprised at how many others are out there, feeling the same exact way. You are definitely not alone.