Sunday, September 02, 2012

ugh. at a loss

first my sinuses. they are doing better. i can breath a lot better. it's been 3 weeks of this stuff and i think it is finally breaking up and going away. i hate not feeling well, don't we all?! but i made it though everything, including work. what i don't think i can make it through is liam's fits.

he really is a good kid. he is getting better at his manners. he's doing a lot better in so many areas, then all the suddens these massive fits come out. if we are leaving somewhere and he doesn't want to leave, he will fight getting into his car seat. he will scream. kick. cry. say "daddy, daddy, daddy" over and over again. it is really getting to us. more me than eric. i am not a patient person. i guess i expect him to just stop all of the sudden and be quit. one thing i read somewhere is that we expect them to understand us at our level. i need to remember that is just a toddler and that he is learning. i need to stop before i explode. i don't want him thinking he can't be around me because i will get mad. yes...i explode to easily it seems. i am better than i used to be though. actually, i'm pretty good about things with him but not these fits. it's the screaming that gets to me. it's also not being able to talk to him and calm him down. i do say things in a calm normal voice and when he doesn't stop and gets louder, then i get loud and just goes down hill.

it's also hard when all he wants is eric. very rarely will he come to me when he is upset. he is a daddy's boyi get that. but it gets to me at times and hurts. and yes...i am glad they have a great relationship but i am often feeling "what about me?" i tried explaining this before but got no where. i wonder if i am doing a good job. i wonder if i am raising him right. i wonder and worry about so much. i want him to grow up to be happy. to be his own person. i have never been around kids for more than maybe an hour or two. my niece and nephews would stay the night with me but they were much older. toddlers....a whole new ball game. i really have no idea what i am doing.

working full-time, making sure the house is running (bills, food, laundry, etc) and being a mom is 3 jobs in itself. sometimes i feel like i'm being tossed 15 different ways. but i wouldn't trade any of this for anything. i wanted to be a mommy for so long and i am so glad it is here. i know that each year will be new things we will all learn as he grows. good and bad will come. i just  need to figure out how i will handle them as they come.

why didn't they give me a book when he was born on this motherhood? :)

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