Monday, April 25, 2011

scavenger hunt sunday #3

oh how i missed this last week. i couldn't go out and take pictures of things because i had a bad cold and the beginning of bronchits. so here we go!!!

1. reflection.
it had been raining off and on so i thought i would get a reflection that was from the rain.

2. Guess what this is.

i'm sure the little red button to the left will really give it away. it's the vents in our car. never had a car with vents like this. pretty cool.'s the little things that do it for me.

3. what's inside.

you never know what is lurking in the woods!!!

4. playtime
the dude's toys. it's always playtime around here!

5. lawn and garden

until next week! happy picturing taking!!!!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

times are hard

and sometimes they are even harder. i tried to get help to pay for daycare, $500 a month we are paying. srs said they can give us $25 a month. we make too much money. you know that is the 2nd time in over a month a place told us we make too much  money. we work retail. there is no money in retail unless you are management. i love the daycare he goes to. if the first sitter hadn't of moved in with this lady and her family with no notice, he would still be there. we would be paying $160 less per month. this sitter is $105 a week plus $25 on saturdays because saturday isn't considered part of the week so it is more. i thought of asking at work if i could have weekends off to save us $100 a month but it is no use. i can't even get into a different department because i hate the manager and what she does to all of us under her. so i am stuck with it. even though i am grateful for the $25, no matter how hard i try to survive it doesn't help.

there are people out there that don't work that are perfectly capable of workin but they sit on their butts and get free money from the state. we are hard workers. we ask for assistance and get $25. i could quit my job and get a lot more help. that so sad. i don't plan on quitting my job but sometimes i think it would be easier and more beneficial. i don't want to take him out of this current daycare but feel like we may need to. he loves it there. when i was looking for a new sitter, she was all i could find that was open. all of them were closed on saturday's too. so we are stuck. it stresses me out and there is nothing i can do.

i always heard that parenting was hard. i never knew how hard it was till now. you worry about 10 times more things than you did before baby came. it is the most amazing thing to have a child, but man....for someone that doesn't handle stress well it is hard. i forget a lot more than i used to. i have so much on my mind that i forget one thing and than another and then all the sudden i feel like i have lost  my mind. everyone says it's normal but i don't feel normal. i feel like i am losing my mind.

i miss my favorite hobby so much. i gave up paper scrapbooking because i knew the money should go to something else like food, bills, etc. it isn't like i bought stuff all the time, but after liam was born i needed to prioritize. so i decided to sell all my paper stuff and i regret it. i did save a little bit but i miss the stuff i sold. the stamps. the ink. the buttons. it was my way to unwind and de-stress. i do digital now but i am still a the computer. i want to get away from the computer, you can't when you digital scrapbook. so i feel lost. i want to create but can't. creating was my way of relaxing. god i miss it so much.

i feel like i have given up my whole life to be a mother. i really don't enjoy much any more because i am afraid of spending money that i will need or may need. i love taking pictures but frames cost money. big lots has all of these awesome frames but i am afraid to spend any money. i used to buy a magazine or two to relax and read. don't do that much any more. i miss being able to go to the movies. low on cash a lot and no one to watch him. i want out of the crappy house that i have been in since my first marriage but i know we can't afford to go anywhere else. and i know we won't get any help because "we make too much."

and i am stuck in all of it. i can't move out of this area because of the stupid agoraphobia. i want out of this town so bad. i just want to pack up and leave. well you can't when you can't even leave town. so maybe it is all just coming down on me and sufficating me, i don't know. but sometimes i wonder if i am strong enough for all of this.

((((and let me add that i would not change being a mother for anything in this world. liam is my miracle. i just don't know how to handle all the stress. i have pretty much cried out for help but NO ONE has offered to help, well melba offered to give us some stuff to make this house different. so i feel as if i am totally alone.))))

simple things #15

missed this last week due to my bronchitis, so here is this week's.

love when he falls asleep in the car. looks so sweet and peaceful. love him, lots!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

always trying to fix myself

since i had learned i had anxiety disorder, oh like 18 years ago, i have been trying to fix myself. i am a huge self help book junkie. i read each one searching for the answer. searching for something that will stop the anxiety. searching for the "i'm fixed." and 18 years later i am still in the same boat. though i am better at some things, the main issue of going out of town, is still there. dr's say the reason why i have anxiety/panic when i am in the car is due to the 7 car wrecks i was in. none were my fault. pretty much all of them were from behind. at almost every stop light, if i am driving, i will look behind me to make sure the person will stop. they stop and i relax.

i wish there was a simple way to just let it all go and not let anything bother me but it isn't that easy. when you have let fear win for that many years, you can't just "let it go." it's stuck in you. you have to relearn to think positive. relearn that all is ok out there where ever you go. you have to have faith and believe. trust...definately. those don't come easy when you deal with anxiety and panic. it's easier to say "I believe i am going to be anxious." than it is to say "i believe i can do this with no anxiety and i will be ok." i wish it was so easy for me to say the later. god, i get so tired of fighting the fear. i try to say positive things but before long i am back to the negative talk.

one thing i want to teach liam is to be positive and confident. i was never taught that and i believe if i had been i would be a different person today. instead of hearing "the world is a bad place" maybe saying "it may be tough out there but you can  make it if you believe and trust in yourself." i want liam to believe in himself. i praise him as often as i can. even if he throws the ball backwards, i still tell him great job, good throw. i want to encourage him, not teach me to fear what is out there. he is already mr. independent, i  hope it will stay that way. well i do want him to look to us for advice, help...anything he needs but i won't smother him.

sometimes i just want to throw all the self help books away and say i am who i am. i will not fear anything. i am strong. i am confident. i am courageous. but i don't know if i could. though once i read a book i don't normally read it again. i will dog ear pages that have great advice thinking one day i will pick the book up again and read what i highlighted. but i don't. i buy more books and keep looking for the answer and cure.
i know where the answer is. i know what the cure is. but i am too afraid to let it out of me. i'm too afraid of that panic attack to get over it. see, you won't get over it till you have those panic attacks to tell yourself that you will be ok. that you can have them and they won't hurt you. but i am too afraid to face it. even though i had god knows how many panic attacks, i don't want to face it. even though i have been ok after them and nothing major happened, i am afraid to face them. courage....where are you? the same place where panic is but panic has told courage too many times that he can not win so courage backs down and hides. it's an endless cycle that i get so tired of fighting. i'm tired of trying to fix myself.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


we've been eating here a lot this week. i was going to try to get groceries after work today but i was just too tired. went to sonic for happy hour, got us a drink, then just waited till he got off. i watched last week's episode of "housewives of orange county" on my phone. love how i can do that with sprint! we don't have cable any more. i do miss cable and want it so bad but it isn't an option right now. day care is just way too high for us to really spend money on something like cable. anyways, we got home and i took a nap. eric put liam to sleep for a nap as well. i still am not 100% but feeling better. i get really tired after working all day. still have some what of a cough but not as bad as it was. eric has been running a low grade fever off and on for a couple of days now. this crap will not go away!!!

good news, my mom finally had surgery on her leg. they went in and cleaned out the infection. i don't know if he still want to replace the veins he put in several years ago or not. but for right now all i want is her leg to completely heal and not bother her ever again!

one thing that is really bothering me is catherine zeta jones. last week she goes into a mental hospital for bipolar II. all the sudden she is back to work one week later! now for me this raises a lot of flags. people will look at this as they can stay one week somewhere and feel a ton better. sorry...depression just doesn't go away like that, catherine! "If my revelation of having bipolar II has encouraged one person to seek help, then it is worth it. There is no need to suffer silently and there is no shame in seeking help." ok. so a person hears that you have it and then they think " i can go somewhere for one week and boom...i am fine. if she wants to put that quote out there, she needs to tell more about what is going on and how long it takes to get through it. how long have you been dealing with know, your story about having it. no, there is no shame in seeking help. i wish more people would. i was on twitter the other day and a couple of women i follow were talking about how someone they knew, from a blog, had posted on their blog that they wanted to end their life. their depression had gotten too bad and it was too much for them to handle any more. a few hours later they found out she went to a hospital and seeking treatment. sigh of relief. i don't know this person but knowing that someone is so depressed that they want to end their life, that hits a place in my heart for them. i've been really depressed before, i mean really, really depressed. before i met eric i thought my life was just about over. i hated life. i hated my marriage. i didn't know how i would survive. but i did. and life is so wonderful!

so i am wondering what all she learned in this week stay in the hospital. i don't know but this really ticks me off! no it isn't jealousy because i know it takes more than a week to feel better, especially if you are so bad that you have to check into a hospital. is this a crack at getting more publicity? if so that would totally set me off. i know she has a lot going on in her home but ok one week is not going to help. happy pills? even though take more than a week to get into your system it can't be pills.  i don't believe it. i don't believe that she is all the sudden ok. you don't check into a hospital for that reason and leave a week later and go to work on a friggin movie or tv show.

ok...i need to get off the topic because it gets me more mad as i write about it. i want to write more on my blog about anxiety, depression, panic attacks and generalized anxiety. i hope that someone out there will read it and know that they are not alone...especially know that you can get better but it takes longer than a freaking week!!!!'s slipped out. people need to be educated. people need to know they aren't alone. people know there are others out there than can help. so thank catherine, you have just encouraged me to start writing about this on my blog. i have been wanting to for a while and now i will. i'm not famous. i'm not rich. but i want to help anyone that deals with any of it. together we can win this battle and with no quck fixes!! because this isn't something that just goes away over night. this is a life long battle for some, i am one of them. my story will start soon.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

cough. cough. cough.

this week has not been fun at all. starting the 12th with a 102.4 fever has ending with a really bad cough. so i went to the quick care at the hospital to make sure it wasn't something more. my chest was feeling like 4 bricks were on top of it. i have the beginning of bronchitis so they gave  me antibiotics to stop it. it is hard to sleep at night. i can't lay down without having major coughing fits. but today has been better so hopefully i can get a good nights sleep.

eric is feeling it too. he now has a cough and all the fun stuff i had. liam had a bit of a cough but he is on antibiotics anyways for what the dr says is a sinus infection. how do they know in toddlers? liam can't say "it hurts here (pointing to eyes and under them). i still think it was allergies. but who knows. he still has a little bit of a runny nose but not as bad as it was.

i was able to make this layout yesterday. about the only real thing i have accomplished all week. thank god for eric. he got the dishes done and laundry caught up.

eric and i have decided that it is harder to get over this since we are older. so with that we are going to start watching what we eat to lose weight and start taking vitamins. i need to de-stress more so colds and such don't get me down so fast. i know i can lose the weight. i lost 74lbs before, i know i can do it again. i want to. i'm trying to get into the mind set of what i need to do to lose the weight. it takes time. i used to have lots of extra time to devote to exercising, now...not so much. i used to walk before work and after work. this is when i worked evenings. it was a lot easier to work out with hours like that. now that it is warming up we can take walks after dinner. the dude loves to go for walks, so we will all benefit from it.

another thing i want to get right is my spiritual walk with god. i have been doing a lot of thinking lately about how i want to go back to church. how i miss that one day to where i got uplifting words of encouragement. how i would fellowship with others. though i was a teen at the time, i know there are others out there our age that we can fellowship with and i totally want that. i want to meet more people. i want to meet people with kids, especially around liam's age. i want liam to grow up having faith and believing in god. the only problem is i don't know what church to go to. i'm up in the air about that. i guess i will pray about it and seek out which direction we should go. i don't want to go to a church that tells us that if we don't do this and this and this we are going to hell no matter what. i believe god is a forgiving god and wants us to be with him. i don't like fear preached to me. i don't want to go where there are a lot of hypocrites. though that will be hard to figure out, but i have been hurt be so many so called christians that i have a huge guard up. i know they are everywhere but i want to pick a place for us to go to that is loving and cares about you no matter who you are. a place were color doesn't matter or status. felt that a lot too when i was going up in the churches i was in.

i know you can't let those out there determine how you feel, but i don't want to be around them. i don't want to feel as if i need to pretend to like them. to me that is not church, that is like going to work, school, etc. i want the place to feel warm and friendly. i'm sure we will find the right place. i know it will take going to a few to see what it is like before we find a place we like. i just want to get back into it all. i really miss it at times.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

pink eye. sinuses. home.

well this week started off with a bang. liam has been having a runny nose. but monday evening his left eye looked red with green puss coming out of it. so we took him to quick care. when we got back to see the dr, the right eye started in with the green puss. he was prescribed eye drops and that was it. his eyes never got any green puss in them again and it white never turned pink. either the meds worked really fast or it was something else. tuesday i wanted to take him to his dr to see what she thought. my allergies just started kicking in and after seeing his eyes i wondered if he has allergies. well we didn't get to see his ped dr. we saw some other dr that is there. she thinks he has a sinus infection. he has some green snot from time to time but that is about it. not sure how she thought he has a sinus infection. so she gives us a prescription for a strong antibiotic. today i'm not so sure he really needs these antibiotics. i think what i will do it take him off of them and wait a few days. if it doesn't let up, the runny nose that is, then i will take him to see his dr. (the joys of going to a community health center but i like the ped dr he goes to. not sure why we couldn't see her. did i ask? no, it didn't cross my mind. was more worried about him. and while we are on the subject of the dude, he is walking so much! he won't let me hold his hand when we go down the sidewalk. he lets go as if he is saying "hey, i can do this myself." mr. independent i tell ya!

next up, me. my sinuses are at it again. ran a 102.4 temp last night. still feeling it today but not as bad. weak but gaining strength. man...those sinuses can really mess you up! so got me some meds so i can be full force at work tomorrow!

home. as in my mom is home. thank god. i am glad she is home but not glad that they didn't do anything to her leg. a week in the hospital and more excuses. one day it is this, one day it is that. i think he is coming up with excuses because he doesn't know what to do. yes, he even said he doesn't know what to do. he doesn't know where the bleeding is coming from, why or how it is starting. well, he knows it is in the leg but how it is starting is a mystery. so maybe next week. they need to go in and clean it out really well because it is infected. i wish there was another vascular surgeon is this area!

have to share these pictures of the cat that stays outside. she likes to sleep in liam's bouncy horse.

and here is the man with his horsey that is he way too big for these day!

so this is the week so far. hope the rest of the week goes smooth. tomorrow night we are suppose to get back storms, even tornadoes! woohooo!!!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

simple things #14

we were driving around the other night. i looked up and saw this. i love taking pictures of the sky. at one time i took pictures of the sunset nearly everyday. now i look up at other times during the day to see what the sky looks like.

scavenger hunt sunday #2

I am having so much fun with this!!! I can not wait for sunday's now to see the 5 new ideas to shoot.

1. Motion. the waterfall at our local park.

2. waiting to shoot. here is liam with his aunt heather as they go down the slide.
3. in fashion. it isn't an article of clothing, perfume or jewerly. it is fashion for your coffee cup the starbucks way!
4. animal's perspective. ha...simple one here.

5. many. i love this shot of the sky and the many lights from the baseball fields.

thanks for stopping by!

Saturday, April 09, 2011

getting my mind off of things

lately with all going on i needed an outlet yesterday to kind of relax and focus on something else. my mom is still in the hospital. she's been there since tuesday evening. no surgery yet. she has thrown up one day, that put it off. a temp the next, that put it off. today an internal med dr will come in and see if they can figure out where an infection in. all this time she has been given no food because the dr can't decide if he wants to do surgery each day or not. thrusday she ate some. today has finally been given some breakfast. i hope they figure this out soon. if he would have done the surgery when he said so, wednesday, then maybe things would be different. we drove around last night, which we can't do any more since gas is $3.79. i took a few pictures and it made me feel a bit better.

here is a picture of the sky that i love. it looks as if a storm is coming but nothing happened.
we drove by the park that has ducks and parked in front of this house that is for rent. i would love to rent it but it is expensive! i think others agree too because it is still vacant after many months for rent. i would love to live there and see this as i pulled up each day.

i love going to the park. we can't feed the ducks any more and that just sucks! i love feeding the ducks. here is a cool shot of the sidewalk at the park. i didn't realize it was so curvey till i took this.

as we were leaving i saw this little guy just walking down the alley having a good ole time.

i love photography. i really want to do more with it. thinking of some things that i may be able to do. i would love to take a class or two on it. would love to have my own business but this area is so thick of photographers that it is hard to get clients. so thinking of other ways to venture out.

Monday, April 04, 2011

the kid loves his daddy

there is no denying it! i had to get a few photos yesterday of them two. my two them so much!
momma can't compete with daddy's beard. it tickles him.

i woke up in not too good of a mood this morning. i swear it has to be the weather. it was 80 degrees yesterday and 45 when i woke up! this crazy kansas weather. sometimes it is a pain in the butt!!! :)

that's all for now. lots of creative ideas in my head but need to get some things done before i can create.
i'll leave you with this picture. love that smile!


Sunday, April 03, 2011

scavenger hunt sunday #1

i was so excited to find this site!

i love the idea of telling us what to look for. a challenge. love it! here is what i found.

1. high key. i couldn't find something to take a picture of for doing high key. not completely sure how to do it so i am passing on this one.

2. bedroom. i love to go to bed a bit early and read. my way to relax after a long day.

3. something tiny. can't resist the tiny toes of my little man!

4. off in the distance. this is the Veteren's Memorial in our town. it is a smaller verson of the one in washington d.c.
5. stripes. i was driving around trying to find something with stripes. i looked up and notice stripes from the shadow of the stairs!

i can't wait to work on the ideas for next week!

simple things #13

yesterday we went to my parents so i could get some flower shots for another post i will have today. when put him down so he could walk. he jeans were too big so i just took them off. it was 70+ degrees out. the kid gets hot very easily. he wanted to go outside. he likes to look out the kitchen window to my mom's flower garden. i decided to take him with me while i took some pictures. i set him down on the path my mom has. eric came out and watched him while i finished taking some pictures. eric stood him up to walk him. this is the shot i got. half on diaper with dirt on it. i love it!

Saturday, April 02, 2011

it's on!

lately i have been hating my job. well, actually this has been going on since mid-december. after talking to several people that i was suppose to, following the "chain of command," nothing has been done about it. i have let this person stress me out for the last time. i won't go into a lot of detail here but i will not let this person win any more. she thinks she can beat us all in our department. she thinks she is better than us as she proudly talks about her daughter getting a dui. yes...i said proudly. this woman has so many issues that she has to talk crap about all of us behind our back. i've had it. i will not be treated like this at my job. i have let one too many people do this to me. NO MORE!

i try to understand people the best i can. i try my best to give them the benefit of the doubt. i know she has a husband that is a drunk. her kids have been in trouble so many times. but you know...none of this is our fault. i hate people that will talk nice to you to your face and then turn around and talk about you. stab you right in the back. there is no excuse for it. it's on. i will go as high as i need to get the answer that i want. i want her gone! i told personnel that i would put in my two week notice if i didn't get moved out of my department. i will not quit. that means she wins. she will not win as far as i am concerned. i will win. yes...oh yes, it. is. on!

Friday, April 01, 2011

good book!

i found this book from ali edwards, Momma Zen. i question myself from time to time if i am doing this right. i'm sure all mothers do this. "is he saying the amount of words he should be now? he doesn't fall asleep on his own, daddy rocks he too old for that at 15 months? is he drinking too much milk? am i treating the teething so he isn't hurting?" and yes, there are a lot more questions. this book, though i am just half way through it, has given me some relief that yep...i am a normal mom. i mean i know i am, but sometimes reading other people's experience from time to time helps put things in perspective again. helps you to get back on track and stop the "am i...."

one chapter is about change. being a new mom at 38, i was so use to having my schedule. what i wanted to do, when i wanted to do it. if i wanted to sleep in, i could. if i wanted to scrapbook. i would. that changed and the change was hard for me. sometimes it still is. i want the time to myself. i want time to read or to scrapbook. but i find i need to take time out each night to play with him. just us. i get in his play yard and we play. i will read to him. tickle him. it is our time. before this i am usually cooking dinner, laundry, reading blogs (an obsession and yeah...why do i? i like to. it makes me relax). after dinner i play with him. i do enjoy the change though. i am finally getting use to it. yeah, it does take a long time to get use to it. i know more changes will come as he gets older but the main change, him here, i am use to now.

another chapter is about singing. when i am in the car alone i can belt out to pretty much anything. i let it go. it makes me feel great. with people around i freeze up. but slowly i sing to liam, if funny ways. i read somewhere that to them they don't care what you sound like, they love it! so i try to do it for him to make him smile. i always feel like people are going to think i am weird or something, so i don't do what i fully want to do. i really need to let that go!

another chapter is about no expectations. she wrote about how she wanted to control situations. yeah...i was like that too. i get nervous when i go to doctors. i don't know why but i do. my blood pressure goes up no matter which dr it is. so about half way through my pregnancy i started keeping track of my blood pressure each day to prove to them i didn't have high blood pressure. it was always normal. i wanted to control that anyway i could...this was a good kind of control, right?  however, things change once you are in the hospital. i was going to do a birthing plan. i wanted some sort of control over giving birth. i wanted pain meds. i wanted an epidural. but 3 weeks before i was due the dr said i may have to have a c-section because he isn't dropping. my cervix was still high and closed. so we go in to be induced. i had to give myself up and let the nurses and dr's do what they knew was best. omg...that is so hard for me to do. you are hooked up to an iv, you are their's! no turning back. no going anywhere! even more control was taken away when, after 7 hours of being on pitocin i didn't dialate, it was announced i would have a c-section. even though i had it in the back of my mind that i would probably have one, i still freaked out. there is no way to really remain calm when they announce that because all hell breaks lose. nurses getting you ready. dr's coming in to ask questions. do this. get that. it was 35 minutes from them saying i would have one till liam was born. yeah...all hell breaks out! then they say i will have to recover in ICU because it is after 5pm and there isn't a nurse available in the ob recovery room to watch me. total terror to me! i don't like elavators...HATE THEM! and once they put the spinal totally do not have any control over anything. funny...i would tell myself to make me feel better "i can roll myself off the table and use my arms to get me out of here." yeah right! so i finally just told myself that there is nothing i can do to change anything so i might as well let them do what they need to and get it over with. because are not going anywhere with no feeling in your legs. with your blood pressure so low from the spinal that you are feeling weak. just enjoy the ride!!! and within no time i heard that best sound of my life, his cry!

so a loss of control is a big issue for me. i want to be able to control everything. but i can't. i can't control what goes on at the sitter. i have to believe and have faith that all is ok and will be ok. and that isn't just for the sitters either. that goes for bills, illness, work. everything! it all comes down to having faith and believing.

having liam has really changed me in a lot of ways. i think he is exactly what i needed. i needed that tiny reminder that all will be ok. that there is a love out there that you can never explain, only if you are a parent. i've heard people talk about it but i have never experienced it till he came. my god they are right! i would kill for that child. i would die for him too. anything to make him be the best he can be. anything to make him happy, strong, loved, confident, courageous.

motherhood is all i hoped it would be. do i wish i had a baby sooner? yes and no. yes because i don't want to be almost 60 when he graduates high school. people will be asking "is that your grandparents?" :) no. i needed to learn a lot about myself and find the right man to have a child with. god knew he was there waiting. he knew we would have this beautiful little man. i believe he would come and he did.