i found this book from ali edwards, Momma Zen. i question myself from time to time if i am doing this right. i'm sure all mothers do this. "is he saying the amount of words he should be now? he doesn't fall asleep on his own, daddy rocks him....is he too old for that at 15 months? is he drinking too much milk? am i treating the teething so he isn't hurting?" and yes, there are a lot more questions. this book, though i am just half way through it, has given me some relief that yep...i am a normal mom. i mean i know i am, but sometimes reading other people's experience from time to time helps put things in perspective again. helps you to get back on track and stop the "am i...."
one chapter is about change. being a new mom at 38, i was so use to having my schedule. what i wanted to do, when i wanted to do it. if i wanted to sleep in, i could. if i wanted to scrapbook. i would. that changed and the change was hard for me. sometimes it still is. i want the time to myself. i want time to read or to scrapbook. but i find i need to take time out each night to play with him. just us. i get in his play yard and we play. i will read to him. tickle him. it is our time. before this i am usually cooking dinner, laundry, reading blogs (an obsession and yeah...why do i? i like to. it makes me relax). after dinner i play with him. i do enjoy the change though. i am finally getting use to it. yeah, it does take a long time to get use to it. i know more changes will come as he gets older but the main change, him here, i am use to now.
another chapter is about singing. when i am in the car alone i can belt out to pretty much anything. i let it go. it makes me feel great. with people around i freeze up. but slowly i sing to liam, if funny ways. i read somewhere that to them they don't care what you sound like, they love it! so i try to do it for him to make him smile. i always feel like people are going to think i am weird or something, so i don't do what i fully want to do. i really need to let that go!
another chapter is about no expectations. she wrote about how she wanted to control situations. yeah...i was like that too. i get nervous when i go to doctors. i don't know why but i do. my blood pressure goes up no matter which dr it is. so about half way through my pregnancy i started keeping track of my blood pressure each day to prove to them i didn't have high blood pressure. it was always normal. i wanted to control that anyway i could...this was a good kind of control, right? however, things change once you are in the hospital. i was going to do a birthing plan. i wanted some sort of control over giving birth. i wanted pain meds. i wanted an epidural. but 3 weeks before i was due the dr said i may have to have a c-section because he isn't dropping. my cervix was still high and closed. so we go in to be induced. i had to give myself up and let the nurses and dr's do what they knew was best. omg...that is so hard for me to do. you are hooked up to an iv, you are their's! no turning back. no going anywhere! even more control was taken away when, after 7 hours of being on pitocin i didn't dialate, it was announced i would have a c-section. even though i had it in the back of my mind that i would probably have one, i still freaked out. there is no way to really remain calm when they announce that because all hell breaks lose. nurses getting you ready. dr's coming in to ask questions. do this. get that. it was 35 minutes from them saying i would have one till liam was born. yeah...all hell breaks out! then they say i will have to recover in ICU because it is after 5pm and there isn't a nurse available in the ob recovery room to watch me. total terror to me! i don't like elavators...HATE THEM! and once they put the spinal in...you totally do not have any control over anything. funny...i would tell myself to make me feel better "i can roll myself off the table and use my arms to get me out of here." yeah right! so i finally just told myself that there is nothing i can do to change anything so i might as well let them do what they need to and get it over with. because honey...you are not going anywhere with no feeling in your legs. with your blood pressure so low from the spinal that you are feeling weak. just enjoy the ride!!! and within no time i heard that best sound of my life, his cry!
so a loss of control is a big issue for me. i want to be able to control everything. but i can't. i can't control what goes on at the sitter. i have to believe and have faith that all is ok and will be ok. and that isn't just for the sitters either. that goes for bills, illness, work. everything! it all comes down to having faith and believing.
having liam has really changed me in a lot of ways. i think he is exactly what i needed. i needed that tiny reminder that all will be ok. that there is a love out there that you can never explain, only if you are a parent. i've heard people talk about it but i have never experienced it till he came. my god they are right! i would kill for that child. i would die for him too. anything to make him be the best he can be. anything to make him happy, strong, loved, confident, courageous.
motherhood is all i hoped it would be. do i wish i had a baby sooner? yes and no. yes because i don't want to be almost 60 when he graduates high school. people will be asking "is that your grandparents?" :) no. i needed to learn a lot about myself and find the right man to have a child with. god knew he was there waiting. he knew we would have this beautiful little man. i believe he would come and he did.