Sunday, April 24, 2011

times are hard

and sometimes they are even harder. i tried to get help to pay for daycare, $500 a month we are paying. srs said they can give us $25 a month. we make too much money. you know that is the 2nd time in over a month a place told us we make too much  money. we work retail. there is no money in retail unless you are management. i love the daycare he goes to. if the first sitter hadn't of moved in with this lady and her family with no notice, he would still be there. we would be paying $160 less per month. this sitter is $105 a week plus $25 on saturdays because saturday isn't considered part of the week so it is more. i thought of asking at work if i could have weekends off to save us $100 a month but it is no use. i can't even get into a different department because i hate the manager and what she does to all of us under her. so i am stuck with it. even though i am grateful for the $25, no matter how hard i try to survive it doesn't help.

there are people out there that don't work that are perfectly capable of workin but they sit on their butts and get free money from the state. we are hard workers. we ask for assistance and get $25. i could quit my job and get a lot more help. that so sad. i don't plan on quitting my job but sometimes i think it would be easier and more beneficial. i don't want to take him out of this current daycare but feel like we may need to. he loves it there. when i was looking for a new sitter, she was all i could find that was open. all of them were closed on saturday's too. so we are stuck. it stresses me out and there is nothing i can do.

i always heard that parenting was hard. i never knew how hard it was till now. you worry about 10 times more things than you did before baby came. it is the most amazing thing to have a child, but man....for someone that doesn't handle stress well it is hard. i forget a lot more than i used to. i have so much on my mind that i forget one thing and than another and then all the sudden i feel like i have lost  my mind. everyone says it's normal but i don't feel normal. i feel like i am losing my mind.

i miss my favorite hobby so much. i gave up paper scrapbooking because i knew the money should go to something else like food, bills, etc. it isn't like i bought stuff all the time, but after liam was born i needed to prioritize. so i decided to sell all my paper stuff and i regret it. i did save a little bit but i miss the stuff i sold. the stamps. the ink. the buttons. it was my way to unwind and de-stress. i do digital now but i am still a the computer. i want to get away from the computer, you can't when you digital scrapbook. so i feel lost. i want to create but can't. creating was my way of relaxing. god i miss it so much.

i feel like i have given up my whole life to be a mother. i really don't enjoy much any more because i am afraid of spending money that i will need or may need. i love taking pictures but frames cost money. big lots has all of these awesome frames but i am afraid to spend any money. i used to buy a magazine or two to relax and read. don't do that much any more. i miss being able to go to the movies. low on cash a lot and no one to watch him. i want out of the crappy house that i have been in since my first marriage but i know we can't afford to go anywhere else. and i know we won't get any help because "we make too much."

and i am stuck in all of it. i can't move out of this area because of the stupid agoraphobia. i want out of this town so bad. i just want to pack up and leave. well you can't when you can't even leave town. so maybe it is all just coming down on me and sufficating me, i don't know. but sometimes i wonder if i am strong enough for all of this.

((((and let me add that i would not change being a mother for anything in this world. liam is my miracle. i just don't know how to handle all the stress. i have pretty much cried out for help but NO ONE has offered to help, well melba offered to give us some stuff to make this house different. so i feel as if i am totally alone.))))

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