Thursday, April 21, 2011

always trying to fix myself

since i had learned i had anxiety disorder, oh like 18 years ago, i have been trying to fix myself. i am a huge self help book junkie. i read each one searching for the answer. searching for something that will stop the anxiety. searching for the "i'm fixed." and 18 years later i am still in the same boat. though i am better at some things, the main issue of going out of town, is still there. dr's say the reason why i have anxiety/panic when i am in the car is due to the 7 car wrecks i was in. none were my fault. pretty much all of them were from behind. at almost every stop light, if i am driving, i will look behind me to make sure the person will stop. they stop and i relax.

i wish there was a simple way to just let it all go and not let anything bother me but it isn't that easy. when you have let fear win for that many years, you can't just "let it go." it's stuck in you. you have to relearn to think positive. relearn that all is ok out there where ever you go. you have to have faith and believe. trust...definately. those don't come easy when you deal with anxiety and panic. it's easier to say "I believe i am going to be anxious." than it is to say "i believe i can do this with no anxiety and i will be ok." i wish it was so easy for me to say the later. god, i get so tired of fighting the fear. i try to say positive things but before long i am back to the negative talk.

one thing i want to teach liam is to be positive and confident. i was never taught that and i believe if i had been i would be a different person today. instead of hearing "the world is a bad place" maybe saying "it may be tough out there but you can  make it if you believe and trust in yourself." i want liam to believe in himself. i praise him as often as i can. even if he throws the ball backwards, i still tell him great job, good throw. i want to encourage him, not teach me to fear what is out there. he is already mr. independent, i  hope it will stay that way. well i do want him to look to us for advice, help...anything he needs but i won't smother him.

sometimes i just want to throw all the self help books away and say i am who i am. i will not fear anything. i am strong. i am confident. i am courageous. but i don't know if i could. though once i read a book i don't normally read it again. i will dog ear pages that have great advice thinking one day i will pick the book up again and read what i highlighted. but i don't. i buy more books and keep looking for the answer and cure.
i know where the answer is. i know what the cure is. but i am too afraid to let it out of me. i'm too afraid of that panic attack to get over it. see, you won't get over it till you have those panic attacks to tell yourself that you will be ok. that you can have them and they won't hurt you. but i am too afraid to face it. even though i had god knows how many panic attacks, i don't want to face it. even though i have been ok after them and nothing major happened, i am afraid to face them. courage....where are you? the same place where panic is but panic has told courage too many times that he can not win so courage backs down and hides. it's an endless cycle that i get so tired of fighting. i'm tired of trying to fix myself.

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