Monday, August 13, 2012

depression and anxiety

today they are bad. i'm not sure if it is the  meds the dr put my on for my low testostrone or what. the pharmacy said it would make my anxiety got up. been on it for 2 months now. but i am ovulating and i think that is what is going on. i don't want to be around anyone. i don't want to do anything. i do want to scrap but don't have any new stuff. i want to stamp but no umph because i know it will look like crap. i just want to crawl into a hole and sleep.

i know what my check will be like and it is great but it will go to some property taxes we need to pay. though i am very thankful that the money is there for that, it seems like we can never treat ourselves to anything. i'd love to get new scrapbook stuff but no. i'd love to join close to my heart. this month it is just $50 to join and you get this really awesome bag. but the taxes. stupid ex left me with back taxes that i have been trying to get caught up on for a couple of years.

which brings me to this...i want out of this friggin house. i hate it. the bathroom floor is bad. it will be to be replaced by winter, has to be! the kitchen is so small.i want to teach liam how to bake things. he liked filling up the cupcakes yesterday. i could say so many things but i just want out. i'm so tired of this house. so tired of it all. i want out!!!!!! but how? where would we go?

liam's potty training isn't going that great. he'll pee for everyone else but there at home, no. he throws a fit that he has to stop what he is doing to go. we praise him, tell him what a good, big boy he is when he does go, so i don't get it. i'm frustrated. i feel like i can't talk about things he does because when i bring things up people's comments make me feel like i am a bad mom. all i want is help. tell me a good plan or who you did it. don't tell me "well at least...." no....i don't know what i am doing half of the time so i just want a little compassion and not the riot act. i havent been around kids that much so i really have no clue what the heck i am doing sometimes.

there's just so much i think about. bills. are we raising him right. am i a good mom. am i a good wife. what will we have for dinner. make sure i get the hours i need (which that problem is solved now to make sure eric gets the hours he needs for us to make it). sometimes i feel like i am going to lose it.

no one ever calls or texts to see how things are going. i used to but then stopped because no one does it for me. i'm tired of trying to make things work everywhere. if people wanted to be my friend they'd call or text too.

just not in a fun mood today. too much crap going on. i just want to go to bed and sleep till work tomorrow but i can't. who would fix dinner? i kinda just want to give up on things. what's the use of working hard if i can't enjoy some me time? when i can buy a few things to scrapbook with. "oh well that's part of life. you work and work." no.....i need something for an outlet to release stress.

i don't know why i am posting this. guess i need to rant. guess i just want one person to tell me they understand and that they can help in some way.


Sally said...

On potty training: M&M's all the way! Or Skittles. I am not normally an advocate of using food as a reward, but I have successfully potty trained 2 boys and, after trying many other methods with both of them, what really worked was 1 M&M for pee, 2 for poop. Also--relax! He won't go to college in a diaper. You are doing fine.
On wanting to just go to bed. We all have days like that. I promise. It seems like no one else does, but we all do. If you need a nap, take a nap. If dinner doesn't get what? No one will starve. I am sure you have the ingredients for pb sandwiches or soup and crackers. Not every meal has to be perfect. So, if today you can't handle the thought of it, don't.
Sit back. Take a breath. Color with you little guy or read him a book. He needs you more than a "real" dinner or a clean house.
On bills: They will get paid. They always do. If you want a couple (reasonable) things for your scrapbooking, get them!
I hope this helps. Read my post from today, too. Maybe it will help as well.
Hang in there, friend.

Karrie said...

Just wanted to send you a hug Rhonda...I know the anxiety and depression road, and it's no fun. I think the only thing that gets me through the kind of day you are having is just prayer and rest. I found a Bible verse that I love, and I feel like God means that he is fighting the anxiety and depression for me, it's Exodus 14:14, and says, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Somedays I just decide that I am not going to fight those demons anymore, and I surrender it to God. It may not mean that I am happy and everything is wonderful, but if I am just still, his answers will be there in the morning. I hope this makes sense. Hugs to you! Give your sweet boy a hug, Let Go and Let God... Karrie