Tuesday, May 11, 2010

where do i start???

first off i had a great mother's day. it was all i hoped for a more. had a great time at my parents. i want to write more about it but my mind is cluttered with more crap. i'm hurt and confused. i dont know how people will react to what i write but i am going to write it.

yesterday we had a chance of tornadoes. we watch storm chasers through the fall and get excited for this time of year. there was a post at facebook where a couple of us talked about storm chasing. one guy asked if i wanted to join them. i said i needed to find someone to watch liam. "someone to watch liam" key sentence here. jump to about 8 hours later, eric shows me a text. it says from what all i can remember "you better not take that baby out to chase damn storms. i will kick your ass." i was furious. still am today.

do people really believe that we would do that? do people think i don't know what i doing as a mother? this brought back a bunch of emotions that started with my brother and his wife's, that ordeal when liam was 2 months old. there are times i wonder if i am doing enough as a mother. am i doing it right? do i need to do this or that to make things better? i have not been around babies much at all, see previous post, but i do have enough common sense to know how to raise a child. is everything i do right? i hope so. so after reading this i started to doubt myself once again. thinking to people seriously think i am not able to do this. eric says it was a joke. how it was said was no joke to me. i would never take my child out in storms, especially tornadoes. heck, i was worried the first thunderstorm we had. i was at work, he was at the sitters. i wondered if he was scared of the thunder. i worried till the storm passed. yesterday we had errands to run. i wanted to get home before it started storming so we wouldn't have it him out in it. now, does this sound like i would want him out in storms?

i am still adjusting to life as a mother. i had 38 years of freedom. i could do what i wanted when i wanted. now my spare time is to clean, cook, etc. i read when i go to bed. i don't have a lot of spare time. i haven't scrapped much. i haven't really done anything for me. i do when i drop eric off at work and i go to hastings. that is my real me time. i am struggling with bills since work won't give hime hours. i pay the bills. worry about getting them paid. make sure everyone is fed, clean clothes, and is happy. i feel i work hard. yes, my house looks like crap at times. i am getting to the point towhere i can do more now that he is older and can do more stuff on his own.

i feel i can't catch a break from anyone. that no matter what i do it isn't good enough. sometimes i just want to say the heck with it all but i have this little man to take care of and he needs a mother. if it wasn't for him....who knows. i can't make anyone happy no matter what i do. i can't afford to do much for myself or for anyone. this doesn't come from having a child, it comes from his lack of hours at work. i blame walmart not having a child.

i wonder what else people say about me and my ability to raise a child? doubt that i want to know.

anyways, that's how i feel today. not too happy to say the least.

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