changes

today isn't going like it thought it would. i was suppose to help with the outreach at church but it won't happen. i started cymbalta on thursday and today the side effects are taking affect. very tired. light headed some. feels like my head is heavy and stomach issues. i feel like i have failed once again with this anxiety issue crap. i am so tired of letting people down.

pristiq was just not working any more. my anxiety was getting worse. i thought it was maybe the hormones, i think i am experiencing perimenopause, hasn't been confirmed by the dr but i feel it is. but i think it is more than hormones. at times i wonder if i do need meds to control my anxiety and now i know that i definately do. i am so tired of living with this but i know that my healing will come soon. with going back to church, doing daily devotions and reading more christian books, i am feeling better in so many areas. just wish that this would just go away with a snap of my finger but it won't. must hang tough. must keep pushing through even when the strength is no longer there.

sometimes it's so hard to get up in the morning when you know anxiety is lurking. that is when you know it is time for a med change. i've been on so many. after a few years they don't work like they once did and it's time to change. i'm at that place. you spend months wondering if it is hormones or the meds not working. then you know it is time. then you have to take more time for the new meds to kick in. sometimes these meds take me a week to start to feel something, sometimes longer. but usually within 2 to 3 weeks i am feeling a lot better. and in a month i am brand new. i want to hold on to those feelings. i love the feelings when new drugs take affect. the happiness you feel. you feel strong. there is no fighting. you can laugh. you can sing. it is such a wonderful feeling. then over time you have to increase and eventually change the meds altogether. i guess it works for others like this, i'm not sure, but it does for me.

writing in my prayer journal has helped. there are changes that are happening. sometimes those changes have to be in form of medical and not just spiritual. no, i am not the kind of person that thinks god can cure all and we don't need meds. we have dr's for a reason. i'm so thankful things are getting better as these changes are happening. i was out driving the other day and went further than i had in a long time. usually i will stop and go back the next day. i was cruising like i had no fears in the world. it felt great. that was god. he is with me. i probably could have kept going but i don' like pushing things. i probably should push myself to show myself that i can do it. i need to and i think i will.

changes aren't fun but we need them. i hope and pray that this med will work. it's like finding the right drug to help control your blood sugar. you have to deal with the ups and downs of how you body will react but once it is right it is amazing! i will never give up. i know there is something great about to happen. i can never give up. i won't let anxiety beat me. it has in some areas but it won't any more. slowly i am making progress. you can't undo many years of anxiety, fear and panic in one night. you must retrain the brain and with gods help i am.