Wednesday, January 28, 2009

very thankful

lately i have been worried about money. things i can't afford and want. wanting things that i don't really need but i'm still dealing with the buying things to make me happy issue (not sure how long that will take). then there is a reminder at work and from a book.

for the last 4 to 5 days there has been a homeless couple that stays at walmart. i don't know if they sleep, never seen them do anything but walk around. i hear they are there at night, overnight, and during the day. pretty much all the time. i don't know much of their story other than what patty told me. but this got me to thinking. as i walked away from listening to patty tell me about them, i was thinking how thankful i am for all that i have. so what if i can't afford this or that right now. so what if we have about $100 bucks till next thursday. we have a home. we have heat. we have water. i have all i need and ever wanted.

i finished tori spellings book last night, Story Telling, that also made me realize i have all that i want. our stories are almost the same....mine doesn't include a famous father and lots of money. she got married and wasn't happy. met the man of her dreams while she was married. went into debt buying clothes and such to have the feeling of love and being wanted. as i read i knew why she was one of my favorite actresses. we have a lot in common. her wedding to dean was nothing but them on a beach. no family or friends. a simple wedding. now i don't want my 2nd wedding to be simple like that, but it was all about them and nothing else. no lingering pasts or thoughts of "is he really the one."

so my point to all of this is....i have all i ever wanted in my life. yeah i know that i can't get out of town due to my agoraphobia. some how whenever i say i have all i want, i feel people are saying "but you can't even leave town." i know it is just me, maybe they do i don't know, but one day i will get out because i don't want to miss one more day of this beautiful life that i have. eric is the best thing that has ever happened to me. i was married for 17 years but for the last 10 years i felt trapped, yes due to the anxiety issues. i relied on him for way too much. i let my fears rule my life and my decisions. i stayed in a shitty job that i wanted to quit so bad but since i couldn't drive around by myself i stayed and put up with the bullshit and drama. my life was a huge stress bomb waiting to exploid. then eric came into it and i knew i had to change things.

what i went through and what i am going through now are are teaching me and making me a stronger person. it takes time to recover from anxiety issues. but the rest of me is almost at a full recovery. sometimes it take little things in life to make you see that you have it all. a simple book. people that you see and then realize that you have it made. we need these things. we need to see that our lives are wonderful. yeah so i can't afford to go and buy what i used to but i know it was because i bought that stuff to fill a void. and you know what...i couldn't afford to buy that stuff then either. i put us into debt, bankruptcy, because of how i felt inside. i never admitted to anyone why we went bankrupt but yeah it was me. i did the bills because i knew he wouldn't allow me to buy one thing. i'd put off this bill and that one to buy something. yeah, i am paying for it now but it made me see what i was doing. another lesson learned in life, check!

i got the house. i never felt like this house was a home. it was a place to stay. but i am changing that and i am going to make it a home. i hope by the end of the year to have ever room painted and redone. an erasing and painting over to forget the past and move on. I don't want to forget the past persay, but i don't want to have the reminders that are in here. i will to an extent but painting and redecorating will make it feel like a new start and that will help the process.

i hope in writing this that i may have changed a little something in people that read this. i hope they realize how much they have and to be thankful for all of it. i have a great family. everyone is healthy. great friends. i couldn't ask for anything more. i have been taken care of by god and i know he will continue to watch over me, take care of me and send me little signals along the way as a reminder to be thankful and appreciate what i have.
peace and love!

eta....I have to add this quote I found at a blog:
"An adult is one who has lost the grace, the freshness, the innocence of the child,who is no longer capable of feeling pure joy, who makes everything complicated,who spreads suffering everywhere, who is afraid of being happy, and who,because it is easier to bear, has gone back to sleep. The wise man is a happy child." -Arnaud Desjardins

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