Friday, January 23, 2009

reality tv

last night we watched "private practice." it has become one of my favorite shows. this episode dealt with a woman with agoraphobia. She went in for treatment to be able to go to her daughter's wedding. the therapist had to leave for a bit and came back to find her in the closet. she was too ashamed to come out. felt like she failed everyone. that episode hit home.

no one knows what it is like to have agoraphobia unless you have dealt with it, it is an illness that is very had to explain. people don't realize why you can't leave the house, town, state, etc. the everyday things that people can do, we can't do. i'd love to be able to go to work on my own and not have eric go 2 hours early, if i have to go in at 2 that day. i'd love to be able to just get in the car and go anywhere, but i can't.

i feel like a complete failure. i feel like i failed my whole family. and now that i am going through a seperation that will lead to a divorce, i feel like i failed them because...well i do. we all used to go out to 505 for drinks and play pool. not any more. it's like me leaving him was bad for everyone or something. i don't think they understand. we used to go all the time unless something came up. yes, i did start working on tuesdays but why couldn't we switch it to wednesdays? i am happier than i have been in so many years but all has stopped with my family it seems. i don't get it. it's like they loved him more than me.

i don't like to get close to people because i am afraid i will fail them too. i am afraid i will fail eric and his family. i am afraid i will keep failing no matter what i do. people look at what i can't do as to what i can do. it brings me down. you think i asked to be this way? if i would have known better 20 years ago i would have gotten help to get over this so it wouldn't be a burden to me or anyone else. however, 20 years ago there wasn't a name to this. there wasn't a cure or a drug. i don't like getting close to anyone, friends or family, in fear that i will fail them. i have missed countless graduations, weddings, parties, all due to fear and anxiety. not a day goes by that i don't feel like a failure and regret all that i missed.

i back off. i don't let all of me out. i am afraid to. i am afraid to show my real self that they may think i am weird or a freak. people at work probably think i am a bitch. a couple has told eric that i looked like i was unapproachable. it isn't that i don't want to be your friend, it is because i fear what you will learn about me and judge me for it. i already hear the, "he comes in 2 hours before he's suppose to, to bring her to work. she's says after." i'm so humiliated. i just want to tell everyone why so they will shut up and leave me alone or at least stop the comment. it makes things worse when no one invites me to go anywhere. i don't blame them. being how negative i am and all, oh and eric would have to come along...but is that such a bad thing??? but if you would give me a chance and see what the real me is like, that stress does get me down, that i still get depressed once in a while because life is still going on. even though i am happier, things in life happen. it's life for godsakes! i worry about bills. hours at work. my house. my pets. my parents. am i a good enough girlfriend. if i am good enough period.

i have told myself so many times that i am ready to get on with my life and i truly am right now. until now, i haven't had a real reason to really get out and get on with my life. i was stuck in a marriage that made me so unhappy. i sat at home and was on the computer reading blogs about how i wanted their life. i sat at home wondering how i could overcome all of this to get on with my life and be happy. now that it is finally here and i am in the relationship i want and love, i want to move on because now i have a reason to move on.

i don't know how to get over my issues of failure. i know i need to turn around my negative thinking. actually i have and it is getting better, but i am still working on it. things are still happening in my life that i am trying to fix: a $10,000 medical bill for starters. so give me a break. maybe people should look how they are failing me for a change? maybe then i will see that they do care and do want to be around me. i will say this, if it wasn't for eric my life would be over. that man saved my life. my depression was terrible. my life seemed hopeless. now i am starting to be the person i want to be. so please...forget my past and help me to get through this and get on with my life. stop judging me because i have agoraphobia, anxiety and panic and see what i am a real person with feelings. i need all the support i can get!

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