Sunday, June 24, 2012
i did it.
it's been a very long time since i have seen that sign. it brought so much joy to see that. i've been saying for many years now that i am tired of being stuck and i will change. well this time is is going to happen. we go out at least 3 times a week, if not more, and get on the highway. my anxiety hasn't gotten too high. i am not forcing myself. i go as far as i want and then turn around. but seeing this sign brings me so much hope. hope that i can stop the fears and live my life like i should.
no one understands what it is like unless you have it. you can say "oh just go and it will be ok" but it won't. one thing i realized is that i need to "trust" the road again. I need to trust that nothing will happen. i need to trust that the highway is safe. i need to trust myself to know what is real danger and what isn't. i need to trust that people will help if my car is along the side of the highway. i lost a lot of trust for many years because of my last marriage. yeah, i do blame a lot of my anxiety issues on it. funny how i leave a bad marriage and a bad job and 1.5 years later i am a mom. the stresses from my life wasn't letting me have a baby. now, i am glad i didn't have a child with him but we tried for many years and had procedures done. my point is that that relationship was toxic is many ways. i lost trust in myself because i let him down so many times while i was trying to get out there and go. i lost trust in being so close to someone because they screamed and yelled when i was so scared and lost.
but that is all in the past. it's taken a long time to realize somethings. i guess the mind and heart have to heal before you can go on to the next step. you can't just forget it and go on. too many years of what i went through to just "let it go." sorry...won't happen. but i have let go and i do know now that i can do anything i set my mind to. it's so much easier when the person sitting next to you loves you unconditionally. i love pointing out things to liam as we are on the highway and his expression. that helps me get my mind off of where i am and what i am doing. i'm more at ease.
i am beating agoraphobia. there was a time when i thought i couldn't. now i am seeing that i can. this is how bad it used to be. when i worked at taco station and the ex at domino's, when i would get off i would go a block down to wash my car. i was so afraid of washing it because what if i panicked and i had soap on the car. i couldn't leave. that block seemed like a long ways away. a few times i didn't even wash my car. yeah...it was getting bad.
today i can do so much more. the only thing in my way is the highway. i still worry about what if the car breaks down. i don't know anyone in joplin really. what if we get stuck over there and i have a panic attack. the what if's are still there. working on them.
i will be posting more on here and this does help get it out. a lot of things go through my head and maybe if someone reads this they can understand things and maybe someone will offer to help or maybe someone will be supportive all the way. all of which i need, especially the support. i know there are a lot of people pushing for me and are there for me, that is awesome and i am so grateful.
Posted by rhonda at 10:28 PM