better.

on april 1st i decided that i'm tired of being overweight and that something needs to change. first i'm starting with no pop. pepsi is my weakness. major weakness. when i'm stressed we go get a 32oz pop. after a long day, a 32oz. sometimes we do a 44oz. i'd have a can at both breaks. i drink a lot of pepsi. did drink. that is a lot of sugar and a lot of caffeine. i drank a cup of coffee in the morning too. as someone that deals with anxiety i do not need that caffeine. i was always tired. "my coffee hasn't kicked in yet." i never did. it would sink me down instead of giving me energy, well temporary energy that is. i've had enough.

now let talks about the celexa i''m on for my generalized anxiety. i was at 40mgs. i always felt i was in a fog. my anxiety and panic attacks have been worse, ironically after i started the celexa. i started at 20 and was feeling better. then winter came and the SAD. seasonal affective disorder. the lack of sunlight and warm gets me down and this year it got me down fast. so we up'd my meds to 30mgs and then to 40. things got worse and worse. more anxiety more panic. and around the end of march i was so worn out from all of it that i didn't know what else to do. especially after i had a sinus infection and needed to take a zpack. i read that it interacts with the celexa and can cause heart issues. i confirmed this with the pharmacist. so i freaked. i noticed it was the worse one out of the other ssri's with interactions. so i decided i'm going back down to 20mgs by myself. not waiting to get into the dr or for my next appt. when i see her in may i will decide if 20mgs is good enough or change but this med kinda scares me. i've been on antidepressants for 20 years. i don't really know what what happiness is. what makes me the happiest or the sadist. ok i do, to a point. but i don't laugh a lot like i used to. a lot of things have changed in that way. sooooo time for a change in this area as well.

no more pop and 20mgs of celexa and i am feeling better. i have more energy. i don't have the highs and lows of the caffeine. i do miss my morning coffee. the ritual of it i suppose. i'm thinking of looking for a decaf. i'm starting to eat better, slowly. i'm not going to stop it all and make major changes at once. did that several times and it didn't work. i did lose 74lbs at one time and i know what i need to do to make it happen. now things are a bit different so i need to adjust and let my body tell me what is next. i had a reason to lose weight the last time and i do now as well. the reasons are different but both are best for my life.

i'm going to start a new therapist tomorrow. i have to get over this agoraphobia and get on with my life. it's the only things stopping me. the only thing that is holding me back from be free. i hope she has some knowledge and can help me. it's not my last resort but a new start and a new insights. i'm looking forward to it. if i said how long it has been since i have went anywhere, i would be so ashamed so i don't. eric may not even know. so let's change this and let's get out. let's face the demon that stands before me and tells me i can't. i will fight through with Jesus on my side and I will win.