desperate

i saw this book on instagram. a few where saying how good it is. sometimes i feel so desperate. i feel as if i don't know what i am doing, if it is good enough and so many other thoughts. i knew i needed to order this. i'm on chapter 4 and i have learned so much already. at the end of each chapter is a QR code you scan from your smartphone. it is a video that has a quick review of that chapter. what a great idea! you actually get to see and hear the author's, it makes things so much more real!

"my home, then, became my kingdom over which i longed to rule well as i was crafting lives, my own children, for His glory. this kingdom of home is the place of refuge, comfort and inspiration. it is a rich wold where great souls can be formed and from which men and women of great conviction and dedication can emerge."

for many years i have wanted out of this house. it is what i bought with my ex. too many memories. too many emotions. lately i have been wanting to paint and redo pretty much every room. i've lived in this house for 16+ years. i just want out and a fresh start. then i got to thinking. this house isn't about the past. this house isn't about who bought it. it isn't about what happened, the feelings or the emotions. this house is now where my family of 3 live. where my husband and my son and i live. where we play, laugh, fight and love. the above quote makes me want to do so much with this home. this is what liam will know. what he will remember when he has his own family. i want to teach him so much here. he to teach us as well. this house represents my life. it represents all that i am about, the good and the bad. it is up to me to make sure liam can find comfort, refuge and inspiration here. he doesn't know who orginally had it. none of that matters to him. what matters is that he lives here and he is loved here. that he learns here and grows here.

"a happy mom who is secure in herself and at ease in her life is a rare gift that children love and appreciate."

i'm not secure in myself in a lot of areas, especially the anxiety one. it's very important to me to get over my anxiety issues for many reasons. one is that i don't want him to think that fear is ok. the fears i have that is. if he gets scared and wants to run, i want to be able to show him that he can stay and it will be ok. i'm a trying to find a good therapists that is very knowledgeable in cognitive behavioral theraphy. this is the only way i can get over this is to face it and do it and the only way i can is through CBT. i hope i find someone soon!

this book has opened up so much for me in just a few chapters. i want to get more books by Sally Clarkson and learn even more about how God can help me be a better mother. it's my goal and passion to be the best mom. there is so much more i need to learn and do. i hope with Gods help i can be what i want to be and more.

yeah....it's been a while!

i got bored with my blog and even worse with it when i couldn't upload more then one or two images. been wanting to write more and share things so i guess i will fire this up again and see what happens.

liam is almost over his cold. he has a runny nose but that is about it. well, and a cough that comes when too much gunk goes down his throat. poor kid seems to have had it bad this year. though the cold was harder on him than influenza a. weird, huh? i feel like i'm not doing enough or something when they get sick a lot. then i am reminded that he is in daycare and oh do they pass stuff around! one of the others has what he has. they share more than just toys lol.

it's almost 1am. i can't sleep. i drank coffee at 5:30pm and now i regret it. was trying to make myself feel better. i was stressed all week because of him being sick. worrying. calling the sitter 3 times a day to check on him. i probably worry too much but when he isn't feeling well and i am not around him i worry. then added stress of an idiot i work with. why they don't take him off as cake decorator i'll never know. i won't even get into that. not worth the added headache. he already gave me one i don't need another.

i need to find a way to let out my stress. i haven't scrapbooked in a few weeks. i want some new things but feel guilty buying anything. just been in one of the funks. i hate it when it happens. it's like i'm depressed and yet i'm still in motion because i have to be. i make it all happen some how. also, i think a lot of it is the cold. spring is almost here. we've been cooped up for a few months and we need out! i'd love to go for walks when it starts to warm up. every year by this time i've had it with things and need a refresher. i think that is why i love spring so much. a new bloom to life. a  new start. a fresh look on things. after the cold, harshness of winter, i can finally shed and be free. these 4 walls can drive you nuts, espcially with a toddler that is not wanting to listen and wants it his way. it's taking a toll on all of us. we are all at the point of breaking and need out. the weather is suppose to be in the 60's this week. hopefully we can play outside after work and get some of this blah out of us.

i haven't taken many pictures the last few weeks and that will show in my project life album. last week was the worse. i'll try to figure out what to put in it. i have a couple but that is about it. :( here is one picture from this week. we took liam to his dr to make sure all was ok since he was still running a fever and coughing. they got some new cars to play in and he really like them!

 

can you believe this was taken almost 3 years ago?

 

that's my little man! :)