desperate

i saw this book on instagram. a few where saying how good it is. sometimes i feel so desperate. i feel as if i don't know what i am doing, if it is good enough and so many other thoughts. i knew i needed to order this. i'm on chapter 4 and i have learned so much already. at the end of each chapter is a QR code you scan from your smartphone. it is a video that has a quick review of that chapter. what a great idea! you actually get to see and hear the author's, it makes things so much more real!

"my home, then, became my kingdom over which i longed to rule well as i was crafting lives, my own children, for His glory. this kingdom of home is the place of refuge, comfort and inspiration. it is a rich wold where great souls can be formed and from which men and women of great conviction and dedication can emerge."

for many years i have wanted out of this house. it is what i bought with my ex. too many memories. too many emotions. lately i have been wanting to paint and redo pretty much every room. i've lived in this house for 16+ years. i just want out and a fresh start. then i got to thinking. this house isn't about the past. this house isn't about who bought it. it isn't about what happened, the feelings or the emotions. this house is now where my family of 3 live. where my husband and my son and i live. where we play, laugh, fight and love. the above quote makes me want to do so much with this home. this is what liam will know. what he will remember when he has his own family. i want to teach him so much here. he to teach us as well. this house represents my life. it represents all that i am about, the good and the bad. it is up to me to make sure liam can find comfort, refuge and inspiration here. he doesn't know who orginally had it. none of that matters to him. what matters is that he lives here and he is loved here. that he learns here and grows here.

"a happy mom who is secure in herself and at ease in her life is a rare gift that children love and appreciate."

i'm not secure in myself in a lot of areas, especially the anxiety one. it's very important to me to get over my anxiety issues for many reasons. one is that i don't want him to think that fear is ok. the fears i have that is. if he gets scared and wants to run, i want to be able to show him that he can stay and it will be ok. i'm a trying to find a good therapists that is very knowledgeable in cognitive behavioral theraphy. this is the only way i can get over this is to face it and do it and the only way i can is through CBT. i hope i find someone soon!

this book has opened up so much for me in just a few chapters. i want to get more books by Sally Clarkson and learn even more about how God can help me be a better mother. it's my goal and passion to be the best mom. there is so much more i need to learn and do. i hope with Gods help i can be what i want to be and more.