better.

on april 1st i decided that i'm tired of being overweight and that something needs to change. first i'm starting with no pop. pepsi is my weakness. major weakness. when i'm stressed we go get a 32oz pop. after a long day, a 32oz. sometimes we do a 44oz. i'd have a can at both breaks. i drink a lot of pepsi. did drink. that is a lot of sugar and a lot of caffeine. i drank a cup of coffee in the morning too. as someone that deals with anxiety i do not need that caffeine. i was always tired. "my coffee hasn't kicked in yet." i never did. it would sink me down instead of giving me energy, well temporary energy that is. i've had enough.

now let talks about the celexa i''m on for my generalized anxiety. i was at 40mgs. i always felt i was in a fog. my anxiety and panic attacks have been worse, ironically after i started the celexa. i started at 20 and was feeling better. then winter came and the SAD. seasonal affective disorder. the lack of sunlight and warm gets me down and this year it got me down fast. so we up'd my meds to 30mgs and then to 40. things got worse and worse. more anxiety more panic. and around the end of march i was so worn out from all of it that i didn't know what else to do. especially after i had a sinus infection and needed to take a zpack. i read that it interacts with the celexa and can cause heart issues. i confirmed this with the pharmacist. so i freaked. i noticed it was the worse one out of the other ssri's with interactions. so i decided i'm going back down to 20mgs by myself. not waiting to get into the dr or for my next appt. when i see her in may i will decide if 20mgs is good enough or change but this med kinda scares me. i've been on antidepressants for 20 years. i don't really know what what happiness is. what makes me the happiest or the sadist. ok i do, to a point. but i don't laugh a lot like i used to. a lot of things have changed in that way. sooooo time for a change in this area as well.

no more pop and 20mgs of celexa and i am feeling better. i have more energy. i don't have the highs and lows of the caffeine. i do miss my morning coffee. the ritual of it i suppose. i'm thinking of looking for a decaf. i'm starting to eat better, slowly. i'm not going to stop it all and make major changes at once. did that several times and it didn't work. i did lose 74lbs at one time and i know what i need to do to make it happen. now things are a bit different so i need to adjust and let my body tell me what is next. i had a reason to lose weight the last time and i do now as well. the reasons are different but both are best for my life.

i'm going to start a new therapist tomorrow. i have to get over this agoraphobia and get on with my life. it's the only things stopping me. the only thing that is holding me back from be free. i hope she has some knowledge and can help me. it's not my last resort but a new start and a new insights. i'm looking forward to it. if i said how long it has been since i have went anywhere, i would be so ashamed so i don't. eric may not even know. so let's change this and let's get out. let's face the demon that stands before me and tells me i can't. i will fight through with Jesus on my side and I will win.

yesterday

yesterday was amazing. the first sunday in so long that there was peace. we went to two parks and got some ice cream. the weather was perfect. i felt at peace and blessed. there was no anxiety. no fears. just me and my family having fun.

the thing with anxiety is you never know when it will start up. i've been taking 40mgs of celexa. i decided that wast too much and backed off to 20mgs. no dr's orders. did it myself. my choice. something has been up for months and i really think it is the meds....well the winter time didn't help but the amount of anxiety and panic attacks is actually the worse ever.

i want to get off of pepsi. i want to start eating right. i want to look into foods that help anxiety and depression. essential oils also. i'm slowly educating myself on what is good to help. i know pumpkin seeds are one things that help. as i'm getting older i am realizing that my body isn't tolerating the caffeine like it once did. i had coffee this morning and jitters came up. so yeah...i probably need to stop coffee too.

little changes. little things that will make life easier and free  less anxiety. it will be a slow process but i have to start sometime. liam is getting old enough to where he wants to go do things and i want to take him. god...no one knows how much this tears at my heart what i go through. i'm always thinking how i want to do this and that with him and then the thoughts of panic come. there is always the "what if i panic" that comes to mind. hopefully the therapist will help with that next week.

sigh. deep breath. it will work out.

a change????

the last few months has been challenging. a lot more anxiety and panic attacks then i have had in years. i don't know if it is hormones, meds or me. i don't know what to do or how to do it. but....i feel this change that is happening. we started going back to church in september. i remember going to the alter for an alter call for people that wanted to hear from God and what He wants us to do to make a difference. i asked God to let me know what it is i am suppose to do. i think he is slowly telling me. God and I's relationship is not easy. i want Him to automatically heal me, He wants me to listen to myself and learn. i'm not patient, He wants me to be patient. i don't feel strong, He thinks i am strong and can handle what comes to me....He wants me to realize He is my strength. i don't trust anyone these days. He wants me to put my trust in Him and know all will be ok.

in the several months since that alter call i really haven't done much. i was thinking last night about how things have changed. i don't like to scrapbook any more. i vegetate and watch  more tv. i'm on the ipad a lot. i'm avoiding a lot more. in the terms of my sister-in-law, i am a hermit. i go to work. i come home and fix dinner, sometimes it is through a drive thru. and then i do nothing. i have no desire. i have no will. nothing. the anxiety and panic has become worse. i read my devotionals, well read them. work has stressed me more than it normally has to where i don't want to work any more. it's like i went into hibernation like a bear.

i changed my meds back in oct/nov. i think it was a mistake. since then things have went down hill. i'm kinda thinking that the meds are the real reason for all that has been happening. i see a new therapist in a week, i'm going to ask her if i should switch meds. i think i should. i blame the meds for what is going on. why? well, i can't even take a z-pac because of it causing heart problems. there is a huge list of counter actions. i read other ones and celexa has more than a lot of them. i wish i could get off the meds all together. i started them when i was first married to my ex. been on them for 20 years....really don't know how to feel anything any more. no idea what truly makes me happy or sad. don't know if my anger is from meds or myself. meds help one thing but bring out others. sucks.

so what do i want to do now that is is warm and time to come out of hibernation?

well, first it will be the new therapist. i need some coping skills for when i'm anxious so i won't go into a completely panic attack.
second. meditation. i really need to do this each night. when i mediate i feel amazing. i want to find a good guided meditation, those really help!
third. get out of the house. i want to go out and explore. being agoraphobic is hard to do that but i will get out and extend my boundries one mile at a time.
forth. do yoga. i've been wanting to try this. i know it will help a lot.
fifth. spend more time studying God's word.
sixth. eat better. that means no pepsi. ugh. but it must be done. eric made a good observation the other night. when we first got together i didn't drink pop and my anxiety was barely there. i drink a lot more pop now. with anxiety disorder i shouldn't drink anything with caffeine but i do. so that needs to stop.

there is a lot more to work on but i won't get overwhelmed. i think God is wanting me to talk more about my agoraphobia and anxiety issues. when i did a google search i found a few blogs on it but rarely written on. i want to educate people and help the ones out there that deal with it and feel alone. i know i feel so alone when i'm out and panic happens. i feel like an idiot, a failure. like i am the lowest person on earth. so so ashamed. i want to put up videos when i am out and talk about what is going on. i want people to understand that mental illness is real and not a freak show. yep, i will be blogging more and writing my thoughts more. i hope that i can reach at least one person to educate or help. i hope this helps me gain strength and wisdom to help myself.

so....here we go!