you never know

you never know what life is going to throw at you. you never know if one day you will wake up and not know that something you will learn that day will change your life for a brief moment. And in those moments your life changes. Your future is unknown. You are scared. Anxious. Wonder if you are ready for what life throws you. You don't think you are but when you know it isn't going to come about, you want it very badly. You wish you didn't think bad things and wish it to go away. You think about nothing but that. You are consumed with worry, anxiety, fear. Nothing helps. You keep trying to figure out in your head what to do. What might happen. What if this...what if that. Then you learn that you can't control anything. You can't control what life brings on to you but how you face it is all you can control.

I have been negative for many years. Mainly due to upbringing from very protected parents and a negative ex-husband, I learned how to react to things in ways only I could learn to deal with. I didn't feel I could go to any of the above as they were not open to the possibilities. I held back and didn't say anything. I took what come to me as I could see fit. I ran. I didn't know how to handle things. I never got to handle things growing up. They were too afraid something would happen to me. All my life I have been sheltered. All my life I have been searching for a way out. I am now out but still dealing with how to deal with the newness of it all.

Tammy said "maybe no one knows you are happy because you are always depressed." Maybe so. But in the last 2 months I have went from security to not knowing what will happen next. For the first time ever I don't have my gas on because of the bill. So I have been freezing my ass off. For the first time in years I don't have the money to just go to Hastings and buy one magazine. I am adjusting to a lot of things. I am happy but change doesn't mean you will always be happy. I want exactly what is going on, my life with Eric, but there is a lot I am getting used to. A new job after 9.5 years. Dealing with a big corporation and not a little mom and pop store. Trying to deal with my anxiety issues and depression without meds because I haven't had the money to go to the dr till last week. I suffer from depression and if I am not on my meds my life is hell. No one knows what it is like unless you go through it. That and anxiety. People come and go freely but for me something are a constant challenge.

This pregnancy was a huge surprise to me. And it made me see what I need to work on. In the few short days that I thought I was going to be a mother, I saw all I needed to work on. As I type this I am pretty sure when I go to the dr tomorrow she will say that it is over. My numbers are too low for it to be viable, 27??? no way. But who knows. Its for the best that it doesn't become viable anyways. I don't think anyone is ready for this. No one seemed happy. I think it is for the best. So hopefully when I get out of the dr appointment tomorrow I will have a smile on my face and feel relieved.....and I think some others will be too.