productive!

in the last 24 hours i have done 3 layouts. i want to do a few more...got ideas floating in my head! with my new medicine working my mind is clear of darkness so i can on focus on things. such a great feeling! here are the 3 layouts i did:

now off to make a couple more before dancing with the stars start!!!
peace!

simple things #12

liam wasn't born with much hair. i remember after i had him, eric went into the room they took him into to clean him up (not a nursery just yet) to look at him. he came back in and i asked "does he have any hair?" "a little." i wanted him to have a head full of hair. nope...didn't happen. and that is ok! today it is getting longer in the back. one curl has appeared, hopefully the start of many more since his dad had them as a toddler.

what is your simple thing?

finally

sigh...there is nothing like feeling better after a long spell of depression. i got on a new drug and the last few days have been great. i hope this one will work. i've only been taking it about a week, but so far i am feeling better. i hope this is just the beginning of a ton of great days ahead of me with no black clouds over my head!!!

last weekend heather, sierra and breanna came down with eric's parents. we had a great two days! liam love his little cousins. recognizes them more and more. here is the three of them together.

we went to the park and played. he had fun going down the slide with daddy.

then with aunt heather.

and then with sierra.

and then with breanna.

did momma go down the slide with him? no. too many people around for me to get my fat bod up on a slide. maybe next time, dude.

the back of his hair is finally getting long. i love it! it has a curl in one area. eric's hair curled with he was a toddler so i am sure liam's will too.

i love going out and about with him. he takes everything in. he loves the outdoors. i bet he will love camping when he is older. i think he is going to be one that says "hi" to each person that walks by. we were at the mall. he saw this little boy that was probably 5. he crawled over to him, stood up and gave the little boy a hug. the little boy hugged back. no, we have no idea who this little boy was. what a sweet little man i have. i hope he continues to love on people like that as he grows. i want him to love everyone. i want him to know that we are all the same people. we may have different colored skin. we may be old, young. we may be short, heavy, tall.... i want him to not judge but love.

in the meantime as he grows i will be right there getting all of it on the camera so i will always remember those moments in time.

thinking

the other day at work there was just two of us. we got to talking about things. i told her about my anxiety issues. the ex and how much of a jerk he was. the more i talked about it him the more i realized that maybe all this anxiety and panic was because of him? now, it did start in high school. it did freak me out. and little by little it grew but it seems like it got worse once we got married. there were a few times before i got married that it got bad. it was a few months before we got married. i went to springfield a few times and had panic attacks on the road. i got through them but they didn't force me to stay in my comfort zone as they do now. maybe over the years i just found my comfort zone and stayed there????

i am not trying to blame all of my panic and anxiety on him as i know it started before him. i do find it ironic that it got worse when i was with him. i could never defend myself to him or especially to his family. they could talk smack on me but i could never say one word about how they made me feel. and with the comments they made it was pretty hard not to say something back. after a while i felt like i couldn't be me. i was afraid if i didn't do what i was aimed at doing, that i would disappoint and feel like i failed him. the times where i tried to get on the highway but was so nervous...was it because i was going out of town or because he was in the car and i was afraid of not going as far as he thought i should? was it that because he would sigh and say "if you would just go past where you stopped before" (and i felt like a failure), that once i tried again i started getting nervous as soon as i got in the car that the anxiety had set in before i even began because i was afraid of being a failure? ok...major run on sentence. not sure how i wanted to explain that or how i could that made sense. i think i felt as if i didn't please him enough, that if i didn't go as far as he thought i should, i was a failure. i got nervous at the thought of getting in the car and going. i put off the practicing because i was afraid of not pleasing him. then of course the shouting and making me keep going if i was having a panic attack. i mean seriously, would you want to be in a car with the person driving having a panic attack????

so i am starting to think that it wasn't the "car" that made me panic but it was him. and for some really stupid reason i couldn't go anywhere unless he was with me. no, anxiety and panic makes no sense. why would i want someone with me that did that? but i still felt as if he was my "safe person." why? how? i really don't know. maybe it was because i thought since we were married he should understand and be there for me. that he should show some excitement or praise when i did do something? no...i never got anything of that. there was always a let down no matter how far i had gotten. i gave up years ago on trying to get anywhere. so why can't i go now?

i think it is still in my mind that i will be a failure if i don't make it to a certain area. that if i don't make it to..... i have failed yet again. i don't want to disappoint. there were times i was afraid he would yell and get mad if i didn't go as far as he thought i should. the look at his face...i knew he was disappointed. you know...i never once felt safe around him. i always felt that if we went somewhere out of town that he would leave me there. i never, ever felt safe around him yet he was my safe person. makes no sense what so ever. i type this and think "rhonda...what in the world...." but like i said panic and anxiety make no sense. i guess i wanted to please no matter what it took.

since i have been with eric, i have not had one panic attack in the car. i have not felt like a failure if we went out of town a ways and i had to turn around. and you know...when i did turn around it wasn't because of anxiety, it was because i hadn't went that far in so long that i really didn't know if i could do it. or maybe it was because i always stopped at that point??? but it wasn't a panic attack!!!  it makes me want to try to see how far i can go. i feel safe with him. i feel protected. something i haven't felt it a good 15+ years.

there were so many times i wanted to leave my ex but i didn't know how i could since i felt so limited. i stayed in a very unhappy marriage for too many years based on fears. i never once told anyone how i felt because they thought he was such a great guy. i felt as if i, once again, was a failure because he was so great! and if i left him they would be mad at me.

yes...it has been a while since he left and the divorce. i am happiest i have been in a long time. but i am looking deep inside to try to figure out what is really stopping me or what really stopped me in the past. i need to figure out how to let it all go and go on. yes, i want out of the house we bought. there is a lot of unhappy memories here that i feel i can't let go of unless i leave. but i can't afford to rent a house because they would want a deposit. we can't come up with that much money at once. so i am stuck here for now. but at least i am figuring out things. figuring out what i just wrote about in the car, made a very big impact on me. made me realize somethings that i needed to look at.

in time the mind will repair itself. it will remember that you can be happy. that you can do what you set your mind to do. that you are stronger than you thought you were. it just takes time.

stress

yeah, i am still stressed. so much on my mind. no way to really get it out right now. feel like i am trapped in this house. feel like no matter what i do i can't get ahead. am i raising liam right? why am i so fat, again? the car payment that we have all the sudden after my ex didn't pay for the jeep and it got repo'd. having to pay more for a new sitter because the other way continuously made me late for work. wishing we made more money. wanting to get out of this friggin house soooo bad!!!!

"oh, that is a part of life. you will just have to deal with it. you learn that way." no...i don't learn...well i do...but i stress and that leads to lack of sleep and that leads to anxiety and that leads to panic attacks. stress is not good for me. i know it isn't for anyone but i stress easily and once i get going it is hard to get back on track. i get depressed. i just want to sleep and not doing anything. it is hard to function. it just flat out sucks.

i honestly feel as if i can't breath. this house makes the past linger and i can't let it go. no one will help. 2 places say we make too much money. ok...that is a new one for me. never been told that in my life. i didn't know these two places were income based or i would have not spent the time looking and a lot of time hoping and thinking how great it would be and then the let down from being excited. why even look into anything if you are going to get turned down? we wanted to move when we get our taxes back. but thanks to the ex, we had to use the majority of it for a down payment for the car. though i am thankful that we had the money when we needed it, it doesn't help that the jackass didn't pay for the jeep like the divorce papers said he should.

maybe i need to talk to someone professional to figure this all out. maybe they can tell me how to stay in this house and try to some how forget that i spent the last 5 to 7 years of our marriage alone in my own home. how i cried myself to sleep because he wanted to watch tv. yeah...i am sure they can help with that and make this house so cozy for me.

why won't anyone help? i'm not learning jack from this.

so 40 is finally here

and do i feel different? no. today at the dr's office (had to take liam because he has had diahhrea for 5 days now) i filled out a survery of how they are doing. age? oh god...now that was a bit hard to write. i don't feel 40, that is good. i think mentally i will always feel young. physcially is a whole different story lol.

i started to worry when i was around 36 to 37 that i wouldn't have any kids by the time i was 40. 40 would be really hard to accept if i didn't have any kids. i always thought i would have had 2 kids way before now. if i didn't have a child by 40 i wouldn't feel as if life was complete. i didn't want life without kids. but thankfully my life changed when i was almost 39 and liam came into this world.

now 40 isn't as bad as i thought. writing it down was a little hard though. i'm not sure why but it was. i feel as if i am in a whole new league. i want to concentrate more on my family. i want to go back to school to get a degree and hopefully land a good job in the health care field in health care managment. i want to get over the fears and anxiety that rule my life. i want the next 40 years to be different. i want to live. i want to enjoy each day with eric and liam. i want to travel. i want to be the person i was born to be.

i don't know what it is about birthday's that make you want to change. you feel as if you need to or you want to but after a few days it wears off. at least it does for me. this time i hope to change that and make commiment to do all i listed. i just need to make that first step in doing it. i need to have the right thinking. no more negative. when things happen that i don't like it is for a reason. ex...we didn't get the apartment we wanted because we made too much money. uhhh, ok. never had that problem before. so i am trying to be positive about it and know that there is something better out there for us.

i want to have more faith. i want to have more courage. i want to take a chance and run. i want to get in the car, drive, and know that i am safe no matter where i am at. i know it is all mind over matter but my mind thinks that fear is where it is all at. that nothing is safe. though i am so much better than i used to be, the highway still tells me the same. so i have to figure out how to get over that and fast. time is flying by and i don't want to miss any more.

here's to 40 more years with a great husband and a rockin' son!

simple things #11

the photo for this week is of liam swinging. what i love about it is his hair as the wind was blowing.

the beginning of an art journal

i've always wanted to do some sort of an art jounal. when i paper scrapped i wanted to do one but didn't feel like i had the right things to make it. i know i did but what i saw of other journals, people made them with all sorts of art images. i didn't know where to get them or how to use them. i picked up a magazine at hastings that is about digital scrapbooking and art and i think i found my new love! there is a freebie in there that you can go to a website and download it. i did and wow....i now know where to go to get the stuff i need to make one. though it isn't paper, all done digital, that is ok. i can still convey my thoughts and that is all the matters. i love digital art anyways to this will be fun to do! here is my first page. it is about my struggle with depression and anxiety since i was 16. my first panic attack being when i was 16.

there is a lot here that has meaning. like the mask over her face. i was ashamed for so long, still am really, about having this and my limitations. the pills. i take pills to make me feel good. the bandaid. this isn't fix with a simple "oh you are fine and will be ok." the "16" the age all of this began. tree. i love trees. the represent strength. the old car. my fear of driving out of town. the wings. how i wish i could just fly away and fix it.

i can't wait to make more. this is going to be very theraputic!

we got a walkin' boy!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hC1ochCr5rY

the video is sideways because i uploaded it to youtube from my phone. i have no idea how to rotate it. he gets so happy when he takes a few steps. my little man.....sigh. don't grow up so fast, ok?

i am feeling a lot better. i guess i had to wait longer this time with lexapro than i used to. the dr said to wait two more weeks and if nothing gets better we could up the dose. tonight when we got home i cooked dinner, swept and mopped the dining room floor and put a load of laundry in. this is how i know i am feeling better. i used to come home and be blah. i hate that feeling! so glad it is kicking in now!

going to start eating better, walking and coupon clipping! i will be 40 in 10 days so i need to get in gear and get some of this weight off and start saving some cash!

not much to really say tonight. not sure if that is good or bad lol.
later!