creating helps me to relax

i so miss the days where i came home and played with paper, ink, stamps and photos to make layouts and cards. i still have a few things left and thought of getting them back out. in the time being i will stick to digital layouts. i needed a way to unwind last night. the week has just worn me out. i feel as if i have been mourning all week, actually i was. and now that the memorial service was today, president obama came!, i can start to move on like others. i wish i could make it to joplin to help out. i wish i could hand out food, clothing, anything to help others. i so hate agoraphobia.

ok...back to the point of all of this. so i needed to create to help me relax. yesterday eric had to work for 4 hours. i was able to get the day off but he wasn't. i took liam to wendy's after we dropped him off. i got liam fries and some chicken nuggets. i dumped his fries with mine. i gave him some fries and some chicken. i love fries, as does he. i looked down at one moment and all the fries were gone. oops. i felt bad. then i saw him playing with a fry and putting it in a container. the picture i got was priceless. here is the layout i had to make:

i may get the papers and stuff back out and  make cards. that is one thing i miss most is making cards. i don't have the rubber stamps that i used to but that is ok. it doesn't take much to make a card. one thing....i can't find my buttons. i had a good stash of them and i can't find them. i know i didn't sell them. there would be no way i would get rid of them. they have to be somewhere. i got what i had left out a while back. couldn't find my buttons so i put it all back and said forget it. i seriously can't scrap without buttons. nope...won't happen. and i have to have them to make cards.

yeah...i am addicted to buttons. and paper. and stamps. and.....but it's all digital for the time being.

simple things #16

i took this picture sunday evening. it was the direction from which joplin is. it is the way the sky looked after the devistating storm. it is like the streaks in the clouds are pointing up to god as people are praying asking for help. or maybe he is pouring his love to people there.

joplin, missouri

i really don't know how to start writing about this. i don't know how to express the thoughts in my head. i don't know how to express what i have seen on tv and on the internest. may 22nd, 2011...a day that i and hundred of other "4-staters" will  never forget.

i'd share photos but people all over has seen them. frankly, the more i see the more i hurt. the more i see the more i am speechless that nature could do something like this. my heart and soul hurt for this town that is just less than 30 miles from where we live. i used to live there. i worked in a nursing home that was by st. johns. it just breaks you.

numb. i've been numb since sunday night. as we went to pick liam up from aimee's, our neighbors where outside listening to the radio. something happened. see, about 1.5 hours earlier we were under a tornado warning. that very storm was headed our way. once it got to about 30 to 40 miles from us, if even that, it turned more south. i turned on the radion in the car and learned about the tornado. we got to aimee's and she had it on the weather channel. there we stood in disbelief. there wasn't anything left. st. john's barely stood. i wondered if the dr's offices from across the street of the hospital was there. surely they were on the other side. no...gone.

numb. you see this stuff happen to others far away. not here. though we are in "tornado alley" nothing like this has ever happened before. we had a tornado come through our county, oh gosh the year escapes me...i'd say 6 years go, that took out a small town 5 miles north of us. i remember the stories from that. people that we used to work with chasing that storm and coming upon the devestation. stopping to help people. small community. something like 500 hundred people. i don't really know how many live in that town. it hit us all hard then. this is like a tidal wave.

i cried at mcdonald's this morning as we waited in line to pay. a lady talking about her daughter dying. she hasn't seen the body yet and didn't know how to see her. didn't know where. no one told her. the guy on the radio said  "i'm so sorry" and broke down. omg....this is joplin. this is a city that just  moved up to #22 in the nation in cities that had jobs. this is joplin. joplin. pretty much the heart of this area. the only place to go that is close to get just about anything you want. out town is big but not as big as joplin.

i am an associate at walmart. we lost a store in joplin. last i heard 2 associates died in the store and 5 customers. there were over 200 people in the store. i've seen a video of the store. heartbreaking. seriously...no words can really describe how you feel. i was told by a so called friend from high school that has been doing search and rescue there that i can't be devestated because i am not there helping. i was so mad when i read that. not everyone can be there to help. i cried over tusculoosa at videoes i watched. people are affected and just because they aren't there doesn't mean they are sad and speechless like we all are.

tonight i pray for the lost, the found, the dead, the alive, the volunteers, the emergency people, everyone. i ask that you do too.

art journaling

i've always wanted to try art journaling but i can't draw to save my life. so thankful i came a across a magazine at hastings that lead me to a site that has all kinds of goodies for art journaling. wait...have i talked about this before? i think i have. anywhooo, here is another art journal page i did. love, love, love doing this!

fun stuff! thought i had something to say but i guess i don't . just thought i would post this layout.

sighing

feeling better today. sometimes i get so caught up in stuff that i just go off. i get mad because no one sees my side of things. no one sees how i don't get help but yet they want help. i'm too old for this crap. lol. i decided to focus on me and my family. my energy needs to go into eric and liam right now. i have a little man that needs his mom's attention. i feel guilty today about what i said yesterday but it was how i felt so i shouldn't feel guilty for how i feel. i wouldn't expect anyone else to feel guilty so why should i? well it is because i am worried what others think of me and i don't want it to be bad. i do realize that not everyone will like me. sometimes it just hurts you know? but like i said, i have too much to focus on right now to worry about what others think.

i didn't post about mother's day so i will now. it is my new favorite holiday next to 4th of july. i never thought i would be able to celebrate it and now that i can, i love it. it is the most special time in my life. i want to have another one really bad but i know we can't afford it. plus i don't really want to worry about things during a pregnancy at my age. i need to work. i can't be off with morning sickness or god knows what else. so for now i will enjoy my little man and the happiness he brings us.

i'm very grateful for my mom. she has always been there for me. love you mom!!!

here are two layouts i did. there is another layout i want to make. my niece manda and her son came to town. i got pictures of all of us together. love the shot!!! so that is to come soon!

i want to be a positive mother for liam. each day i learn something new about myself. this helps me become a better person for him. as i learn i can teach him. after all that's what god wants me to do!

ps...i really need to read what i post before i publish it. oops :)

need to get this off my chest

i am so tired of trying to make others happy. now this is in no way related to my marriage, i'm not talking about trying to make eric happy. it's others. it's people i work with. it's people that i thought were my friends or in one case, family.

i never had a lot of friends growing up. i was the shy type. kept to myself. never said a lot unless i really knew you. i remember in 5th grade taking jolly ranchers to school so kids would like me. from then on i felt like i  needed to buy friendships. i would do things to make people happy and in return i didn't get the response that i would. i still feel that way today. you'd think at 40 years old i would tell people to screw off but i can't.

i keep things inside. i let people walk on me and after so many footprints on my back, i fall. i get mad. i curse. i say things that don't come out right. i'm considered a bitch because of what i say. i am considered a bitch because i say what is on my mind. how come that is? how come when a woman says what is on her mind she is a bitch? so it is ok that others take advantage of you but not ok to say something?

you learn who your friends are. you learn who you think are your friends but aren't. they are just there because they know you will do this or that and can count on it. well after today i have had it. it's no longer about fairness, it is about taking care of me. i have been stressed out at work because of a lot of different stuff going on. it isn't getting better. i get no help but other's expect me to help them or clean up after them. they leave their stuff and don't get in trouble. no more. i've had it. no one says anything to them so why should i care???? if they are already thinking i am a bitch by expressing my opinion then wait till the real bitch comes out?

i'm tired of stomach pains due to stress. i'm tired of people not respecting others. it's all me, people. you don't have to like it, i don't expect you to. but i will stand up for myself now regardless what label you put on me. i will start giving back what i get. you give me positive, then you will see positive. you give me negative, i will return it. it's called respect. if you don't respect me then why should i respect you?

"Hurt feelings or discomfort of any kind cannot be caused by another person. No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility. It’s only when I believe a stressful thought that I get hurt. And I’m the one who’s hurting me by believing what I think. This is very good news, because it means that I don’t have to get someone else to stop hurting me. I’m the one who can stop hurting me. It’s within my power."

—Byron Katie

very powerful words. something i need to realize and do. i don't want to be hurt by people's words any more. it's their words not mine. i choose how to take what they say. yes, they can be hurtful, but it is up to me to let it go and realize they are the ones hurting not me.

it was a great mother's day!

my 2nd mother's day. :) love it! liam got me a double heart necklace. him and daddy were too excited about it to save it for today so i got it two weeks ago. to me the two hearts represent eric and liam, the best two men in my life. well, then there is my dad.....

we went to my parents. my niece manda came with her son ethen. poor kid, he was bored out of his mind. not liam though. when you are 16 months there is a ton of stuff to do and not enough time to do it! like picking dandilions.

liam had to get up on the bench grandma was on and give her a hug. mom was feeling weak today due to the antibiotics they have her on since her leg surgery two weeks ago. pray that she is able to stop the meds are that the side effects go away.

we got some pictures with my mom, liam and i. not the greatest of pictures as you never know what a toddler will do in a photo.... but they will do. oh god....how i need to lose weight. haven't lost what i gained with him and i think i added a few as well. ok...that's a whole new post so i will just stop there!

then we got manda and ethen involved in the picture taking.

i so miss my niece and great nephew. it is too bad what her dad did to her and her brothers. i hope one day he realizes what he has done to the family. he has hurt all of us so badly, yet he doesn't seem to care. his first grandson is growing so fast yet he isn't there to experience it because of his new wife. he won't see his nephew grow up due to the same person. sad how people can let others convince them that they are more important then there own flesh and blood. she is a very mean person to do that. she will pay one day. as i always say, karma is a bitch. what you put out you get back!

here is liam and manda watching the cat. liam was on top of a table wanting down to get the cat. the cat is friendly at first but after a while it wants to be alone and will tell you that with a few scratches to the hand and where ever she can get to! :)

saturday at work we had a table set up for kids to decorate cookie cakes for their moms for mother's day. grandma robson brought liam so he could make me a brownie cake. yes, i had to help him squeeze the bag of icing but he did throw on the sprinkles!

and it was a very yummy brownie cake i might add!!!!

i hope all my friends had a great mother's day. i will never forget the day liam jackson was born. the best day of my life. god...i am so blessed. thank you jesus!

tulip tree

i'm assuming that is what this tree is in our back yard. i took a branch to a place i worked years ago and that is what a guy told me. if it is something else let me know. i love when it blooms each spring. it only blooms once. i've lived in this house for 16 years and the tree didn't start blooming like this till about 7 to 8 years ago.

and here is the dude taking off in the yard. love his little shorts. kinda like carpis lol

here he is in the wagon. this was is cousin's wagon. :)

one of the cats we "adopted" was pregnant. one day she wasn't. we had no idea where she had the litter at. we came home today to see two kitties. we looked and there are 4 kitties! here is one that came out. they are all wild. i don't know if they will ever come to us or anyone for that matter.

g.a.d.

gad=generalized anxiety disorder. yeah, it isn't fun. your mind wonders so many things. "what ifs" are the majority of your thoughts. "what if i fail. what if i can't.... what if i get laughed at." oh i could go on but i won't. i think you all get the idea. it is haunting. those thoughts that don't stop, they can haunt you as they go over and over in your head. i used to have it really bad. a lot of my anxiety, depression and panic is so much better than it is used to be. i still have problems with the driving issue, but all the other is so much better. it's kind of hard to write about things when you aren't going through it, especially depression. i could write really dark, scary thoughts when i am depressed but when the depression isn't there, can't. which is good!!!

so what does g.a.d. feel like? well you are nervous pretty much. you can't focus on anything because you feel off. you have this doom feeling. you have a feeling that something is going to happen. it isn't like when you are expecting a meeting with your boss. that is normal anxiety. it isn't normal to feel the doom, the dark cloud, the unexplained fear you feel. it won't go away automatically. it won't go away no matter what you do. so many times i have said "i feel anxious." "why?" "i have no idea. nothing is bothering me." but it is there. lurking. waiting for you to do something like run. and once you run that run turns into fear and fear into a panic attack. it's like a snowball. as it keeps coming at you it gets bigger and bigger till you feel this fear that is the size of mexico! panic. and now as this happens more and more, the more generalized the anxiety becomes. the more you feel it. the more you can't put a finger on it. the more it becomes "i don't know what is wrong with me. i don't feel sick but i feel as if something is going to happen." you shake. your dizzy. heart is beating faster. yep...then a full blown panic attack. it sucks!

then there is anticipatory anxiety. god i hate that. i will worry and worry for days before something i know is coming up that i don't want it to. i will go over a thousand things that "might happen." by doing this i can't eat. i don't sleep. my mind is focused on what might happen. you can work yourself up into a panic attack by anticipating. i have. i have started a lot of my anxiety just by my thoughts. in fact, it is our thoughts that generally start it all. now there are people that it just happens to out of no where. they panic for no reason. they usually don't go anywhere or do anything because of the fear of panicking.

so how do you stop all of this? once i realized that i was causing a lot of it with my negative thinking, it started to get better. you teach yourself to panic. i did. i taught myself after the first one that what if i die or i can't get back? your words stop your in your path. but once you see that repetition of this, you will see that your mind, your thoughts are what start it all. no, i guess it isn't always your thoughts. if i don't get a good night sleep i feel anxious sometimes. i drink monster energy drink. it pumps me up so much that the energy i feel makes me really anxious.  i had to realized that excitement and anxiety have the same feeling. i had to ask myself "am i excited or anxious?" if you realize what is going on in your mind and around you, you can make it better. there are medications you can take to help if it is out of control. sometimes you can't control it no matter what you do. meditation. deep breathing. keep elements in reducing or stopping the anxiety. i really need to meditate more. when i do i feel a lot better.

i wish i had all the answers to the anxiety puzzle but i don't. i am still dealing with it. i had a voice tell me "you know, you look for scriptures, quotes, etc that have fear or anxiety in it to help you. you need to start with positive words to look up. joy, peace, comfort. these will take away the fears." when i first started on the internet my username was panicwoman. someone brought up a very good point. "you know, you are giving it more power by naming it and by giving it as a username you are accepting it." i changed it after that. anxiety, panic and depression....you really have to be careful to what you say to yourself and claim. it all makes the difference in how you feel. once you start being more positive and get rid of the negative, you will live a better life. i got rid of a negative marriage and job to find peace, love and happiness. i was scared to death by doing it but i am so much better now than i was!

if you are reading this and want to talk or anything email me at liamsmommy@cox.net i would love to help in anyway that i can.

panic attacks and other things

i wanted to start writing about my ordeal with panic, anxiety and depression. but first i want to share a couple of things. first, i am very happy to hear that bin laden is dead. this photo makes me heart big! love it1

this photo is why i love photography so much. as time goes by your memory begins to fade but with taking photos you can remember that moment. you can remember your feelings. more and more i want to take more photos so i can remember more as i get older. i wish i would have taken more photos when i had liam. i wish i would have had eric take pictures when i was having my csection. i really wish we had a camcorder, still do. but i have those photos of him when he was just minutes old. love them.

here is a layout i did this morning. i really miss paper scrapbooking. god do i miss it! but digital is all i can do right now. i can't afford what i like to use, the fancy papers and embellishments. at least i am documenting, that is all that matters.



and now about panic attacks. i had my first one when i was 16. i was on a boat on the potomac river in washington dc. i didn't know what it was. i didn't know what was happening. i was on the top level of the boat sitting with friends looking out over the dark waters with lights in the distance. i was scared to death. i found my way to the bottom level. i don't know how i got there. when you are in a panic attack you don't really know what is going on. you can't focus on what is around you. all you feel is fear. i got to the back of the boat and watched the wheel turn, splashing water over and over. i wanted to jump. i still remember it today. i thought that i could get on a plane back home in the morning. then i thought i didn't want to go back by myself. i'm not sure what i did after that but i do remember being in our room and trying to sleep. i couldn't sleep. i wanted to go home. i was scared out of my mind.

i have felt anxiety sometimes before that. on the bus ride to the airport, anxiety came over me but left within seconds. back then there was no education about panic attacks or anxiety. i didn't know till about 4 years later, while listening to the radio at work, what a panic attack was. what do i feel when i am having one? intense fear. a fear that you are going to die or lose control. sweating. nausea. disorientation. bewiderment. the need to run and run fast. light headed. short of breath. tightness in chest. heart beating fast. dizzy. scared. i can look around but i don't "see" what is around me. all i feel is fear. feeling is the only sense that is working. i can't see, hear, touch...just feel. when this happens over and over you are afraid to go to the spot that it happened. you are afraid of feeling it again. i have been through a lot and panic is the worse feeling in the world. you can put me to sleep for a surgery. you can numb me from my chest down to deliver a child. but you can not make me go to the places where i used to panic...and that is the highway.

it's so hard to describe what it is like. it's like telling someone that has an illness they have never had "oh i understand." no one understands anything till you have been through it. panic. cancer. diabetes. i have been judged so much for this but no one judeges the cancer or diabetes because they know what it is. if people were educated about mental disorders they would understand. right now people think mental disorders are about people that are crazy. for one of the most diagnosed disorders, mental illness is still a mystery to a lot of people and looked at in shame and disgust.

it has taken me a long time to realize that i am a person. that i am sane. that i am "normal." i don't feel like it at times and still wonder from time to time if i am normal. but i am person with feelings. i am a person that holds a lot in just so people won't judge. i hold in anger and when i get mad it gets out and usually to the wrong person at the wrong time. i am shy till i get to know you. i hold grudges. all of the negative i have learned over time due to what i go in return from telling people what was going on. from trusting. from fear. however there is more to me. i don't let a lot of it show like i should. you'd think by now i would say "heck with you all" and show the real me instead of the bad part of me. i am kind. i cry at tender moments. i wish i could walk up to people and talk to them when i see someone that is sad. it breaks my heart when people hurt. i love hard. i pray. i pray for people that have hurt me. i dance inside myself wishing i could let go and dance on the outside. i wish i could help and volunteer at different places. i'd love to help with habitat for humanity. i want to write a book about my story. i want to help as many people as possible. i want nothing but peace and love for my family and friends.

i was listening to a podcast by joel osteen. i tell you, he is my favorite preacher. he was talking about judging someone before you knew them. how we shouldn't judge. we have no idea what these people are going through. he told of a guy that danced a lot at church. as a kid, him and his friends would make fun of this man. they had no idea why he danced a lot at church. one night the pastor asked this man to testify. he told of how he lost his parents. the hard life he had. now he was getting married. there was a lot of happiness in his life,etc. that is why the man danced. he said they never judged him again. i don't want to be judged and though i am so guilty of judging myself. i want to stop that. i want to find out the real reason and help. he also told of a time when he was in line at a store. people were upset at the cashier. she was frustrated. people were complaining to her. joel decided when he got to her to say something. he said he wanted to pray for her. after he prayed she thanked him and told him how her baby was in the hospital. she didn't know what was going to happen. see, you never know what is going on with someone. lord, help me to be slow to judge. i want to help. if i can't help i can pray.

i'm still going to write more about panic, anxiety, depression and agoraphobia. i want to educate as many as i can. in the meantime, i hope that i can become a better person so i can be a testimony to others out there. i want to be remembered as someone who loved not someone who complained and was negative. i had a lot of negative in my life, i want to reverse that and be positive and loving.

some shots of the dude

last week i got some good pictures of liam. so i had to share because i know there are some grandparents and aunts out there wanting to see them. :)

the chocolate easter bunny we got him. i didn't get him an easter basket. to me i think he is still too young to realize what it is so why spend money on it? it would mainly be for us, right? i thought long about this and decided to wait till next year to get him one. but i did want to get him a chocolate bunny :)

and now some shots of him outside.

the kid loves the slide that michelle gave us. thanks so much michelle!!!!

he likes to go backwards on the slide and on his stomach.

today it is may 1st and the temperature right now is 42! no wonder i can't seem to get over what i have. i think it is a mixer of cold, sinuses and god knows what else. maybe one day it will clear up :) i can't believe that this is the last month of school! it doesn't effect me but it's a reminder that summer is almost here, which is hard to believe when it is 42 degrees outside. where has the time gone. people said time would go fast when you have a child, i never knew how right they were!