that was too much for me!

yesterday i had some really bad side effects from the cymbalta. i was so tired. my head felt like i was in some sort of fog. i had only taken it for two days. there is no way i am going to deal with that till, or even if, my body gets used to it. i need to function. heck, i'd rather have anxiety and panic then what i felt. so now what?

i decided i'm going to stick to the pristiq for right now. i see my dr on the 8th and till then i will write down when i am anxious and go from there. i am also going to check into the book "the mood cure." a gal on facebook told me about it. i shouldn't have caffeine but i do. i drink coffee and pop. here is something i found on caffeine:

"Your favorite pick me up has two effects upon the body which can result in an increase in your anxiety levels. One side effect of your caffeine habit is to block adenosine, a protein found throughout the body. Adenosine regulates the firing of neurons in different brain regions. It is what causes you to get drowsy. Caffeine interferes with this process and causes the firing of neurons to increase. This triggers the pituitary gland to produce adrenaline because the gland thinks an emergency is occurring. This increase in adrenaline can cause and increase your anxiety symptoms."

and this on sugar:
"Sugar can cause a dramatic increase in anxiety. Like caffeine, sugar can cause lactic acid to build up in the bloodstream. In addition, the ingestion of sugar causes a release of insulin which decreases blood glucose. This causes mood swings and agitation. If you suffer from anxiety you should limit your sugar intake and try to eat complex carbohydrates like whole grains. Also, try eating smaller meals throughout the day."

so now i have some thinking to do and some switching to make. i need to limit my sugar intake as well. i knew sugar could be a factor but i didn't realize how much. i was thinking back to when i was pregnant. i didn't have coffee or pop. i ate better and i never once had a panic attack. i know i had some anxiety but nothing that i remember as being very bad. i do eat a lot of sugar. i've been wanting to eat better foods but yes....i am addicted to sweets and sugar. so i need to think of what to eat and go from there. it's so easy to grab 2 donuts for break. grab a pop instead of water. yes...it all has to change.

i wish i could be off of meds but i don't know if or when that will happen. but now that i am seeing that i am causing a lot of it by what i eat i will focus on that and work on that. it's time i got a handle on it and not rely on meds to help. for too long i have thought meds would magically make me all better. ha. i'm still in the same spot i was 10  years ago, well a lot of things are a lot better but anxiety wise the same. so i need to step up to the plate and do this myself. i am the magic that will happen. and with God on my side i can do this. it's time to take control!

changes

today isn't going like it thought it would. i was suppose to help with the outreach at church but it won't happen. i started cymbalta on thursday and today the side effects are taking affect. very tired. light headed some. feels like my head is heavy and stomach issues. i feel like i have failed once again with this anxiety issue crap. i am so tired of letting people down.

pristiq was just not working any more. my anxiety was getting worse. i thought it was maybe the hormones, i think i am experiencing perimenopause, hasn't been confirmed by the dr but i feel it is. but i think it is more than hormones. at times i wonder if i do need meds to control my anxiety and now i know that i definately do. i am so tired of living with this but i know that my healing will come soon. with going back to church, doing daily devotions and reading more christian books, i am feeling better in so many areas. just wish that this would just go away with a snap of my finger but it won't. must hang tough. must keep pushing through even when the strength is no longer there.

sometimes it's so hard to get up in the morning when you know anxiety is lurking. that is when you know it is time for a med change. i've been on so many. after a few years they don't work like they once did and it's time to change. i'm at that place. you spend months wondering if it is hormones or the meds not working. then you know it is time. then you have to take more time for the new meds to kick in. sometimes these meds take me a week to start to feel something, sometimes longer. but usually within 2 to 3 weeks i am feeling a lot better. and in a month i am brand new. i want to hold on to those feelings. i love the feelings when new drugs take affect. the happiness you feel. you feel strong. there is no fighting. you can laugh. you can sing. it is such a wonderful feeling. then over time you have to increase and eventually change the meds altogether. i guess it works for others like this, i'm not sure, but it does for me.

writing in my prayer journal has helped. there are changes that are happening. sometimes those changes have to be in form of medical and not just spiritual. no, i am not the kind of person that thinks god can cure all and we don't need meds. we have dr's for a reason. i'm so thankful things are getting better as these changes are happening. i was out driving the other day and went further than i had in a long time. usually i will stop and go back the next day. i was cruising like i had no fears in the world. it felt great. that was god. he is with me. i probably could have kept going but i don' like pushing things. i probably should push myself to show myself that i can do it. i need to and i think i will.

changes aren't fun but we need them. i hope and pray that this med will work. it's like finding the right drug to help control your blood sugar. you have to deal with the ups and downs of how you body will react but once it is right it is amazing! i will never give up. i know there is something great about to happen. i can never give up. i won't let anxiety beat me. it has in some areas but it won't any more. slowly i am making progress. you can't undo many years of anxiety, fear and panic in one night. you must retrain the brain and with gods help i am.

God is so good!

what i have experienced over the last few weeks is a miracle, seriously! i had some issues at work with a couple of people. i was stressed so bad. i worried every day. it got so bad that i had a very bad panic attack before work one day. i about left. i parked by the doors in case i needed to leave. in my prayer journal i asked God to heal my thoughts and stresses about work. one sunday that we didn't make it to church i listened to joel osteen. he talked about how God will give you double for your troubles. i'm not sure what day it happened, it might have been right before we had three days off, but the thoughts stopped. the worries about work, stopped. my fears about it, stopped. thinking of the ones that did what they did, stopped. for the first time in weeks i had no thoughts about work and the people that had been bothering me. the threes days off we had was thought free. if you know me and my obsessive thinking, this is a miracle. i still have no thoughts of work or what happened. i haven't stressed about anything and i refuse to. i know God healed me there. it is so great to have a clear mind. in fact, a lot of my obsessive thinking has lessened.

this is one of my favorite scriptures: Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

i now know how important it is to think of the good things. i now see what the negative thinking had done to me. all the sleepless nights of fears and unless worry and you know.....none of it ever happened. i want my mind to be free of the negative chatter and by the grace of God it has. i am still thanking Him for freeing my mind. seriously, this is a miracle. never before have i ever been able to stop my thinking. i was a total obsessive thinker. i worried about what people thought, i was such a people pleaser....i worried if i upset them and if i did i felt a tremendous guilt. i wanted everyone to like me. gosh....i was totally setting myself up for hurt. what happened at work has shown me a lot. God told me to go up to one person and say i was sorry. i didn't feel as if any of it was my fault. but i did and i believe that is when the release was. so, if you are fighting or disagreeing with someone and it is bothering you, then you need to stay something to that person to free yourself. i never thought i would be saying things like this. God has really worked in my life like never before. no wonder no other books and people has never worked for me. i am a child of God and He wants to take care of me. 

i am kinda grateful that all of that happened. it taught me a lot and showed me what i need to do. slowly i am growing and learning. i know God will heal the anxiety that lurks in me. there were so many years of mental damage done to me with my ex. but it is slowly going away. i forgave him, did tell him because he is no where around, but i did and felt free from that.

i hope to write more, i really do. i don't get on the lap top much, usually the ipad. need to remember to fire up this things and write. hopefully i can help someone else. we are never alone, especially if God is at our side!

blessed

a couple of months ago we started going to church. i knew i needed to go. i knew that God was tugging at me to go and get back with Him. i've searched for so many answers to the fears and anxieties i have. i bought books, read blogs. thought i could do this on my own. i was saved Christmas Eve 1981 in the back of my parents donut shop. i was baptized a few years after. i missed being in church. i missed how i felt. there is a peace you have when you are in with God. a peace that i wanted and needed back.

the last few weeks i have seen a change in things. it's a slow process. sometimes things don't happen over night, rarely do they. one time i was asking God why don't you heal me? "you need to learn to deal with this." huh???? but now i see what He met. i know He is always with me, i need to remember that. i need to remember to call upon Him and He will guide me. point is, I need HIM! there is a lot that He is going to teach me that I need in order for me to be healed. i have a lot of baggage from over the years. so many times i tried to find the right answers but nothing came.....i'm still where i am. well, i am in a better place than i used to be 6 years go.

i know this till take time but each day i am feeling stronger and braver. i know that i can do this and that God is with me and will heal me. there is a lot that is going on in me and i know that something great is coming. i know it. i feel. it will happen.

i'm tired of living in fears of the highway. fears of being by myself. fears of what if people know that i deal with this, how can that like me? anxiety is nothing but lies. if you don't feel the real fear, like when a tiger is in front of you, then it is a lie. a lie that stops you from doing what you love because of the feelings that come with it. it sucks. but i'm ready to move on. i'm ready to see what i have been missing. i'm learning that when i do panic i am ok and i will be ok. ironically i have had more anxiety and panic lately. God showing me what i need to do? i think so. how else will i learn if i'm not in a panic situation. i've had a lot of anxiety at work lately, a lot!!!! something happened that have stressed me out very badly. in fact my anxiety was so bad one morning i about left. but i stayed. i took a pill and reminded  myself that God is with me. i've been praying that God would take the stress and thoughts away about work and he has. i haven't thought about work and what has been going on for 3 days. my mind is clear and i know all is ok with me and my position.

i hope to be writing more now that great things are starting to happen. i hope you check back and read. please feel free to leave some comments and if you have any questions about anxiety, panic, agoraphobia and depression. God is going to do great things with me!