i stress way too much. right now i am stressed over the december daily album that i want to make. i found the kit for it but now what??? do i want to use templates or just make up some pages to stick photos and journaling on later? also stressed about this weight. bills (well that is on going). am i raising liam right. keeping the house clean. being a good wife to eric. needing/wanting to get over my anxiety issues and agoraphobia but how and where do i find the time. my hair. do i want to grow it out or keep it short. how i look. what people think of me. i want to read but do i have time. i want to play xbox more. i need to spend more time with eric. i need to spend more time with liam.
oh there is more. but i don't know how to just let it go and focus on one thing at a time. i have never been good at handling stress but i need to start doing it for my health and to be a good mother. i dwell too much on things and this isn't healthy. i want living room and dining room painted but what color...see it doesn't end. i want to paper scrapbook but i can't afford it and digital is much more reasonable....
how do i handle the stress? how do you handle the stresses of life? maybe i really need to get the pen and paper out more. i need to write down lists. write down groceries and not rely on the phone. are there any good books out there to help? ideas would be wonderful. i don't know what to do to reduce stress.
Monday, November 29, 2010
catching up
last week was one busy week. i'm finally able to catch up on thanksgiving and putting up the tree. thanksgiving....we had to work, bummer i know. my first thanksgiving having to work so i was pretty bummed all day. we went to my mom and dads after work for dinner. danny and pamela came out. liam loved the turkey, mashed potatoes and custard pie. i think the kid will eat just about anything :)
we got the tree up and decorated. i am so excited about this christmas. i have always loved christmas trees. i wish i could afford to decorate them all fancy and fun. love the one at pennys that has pinks, blues, purples...i die!!! but our little white tree makes me happy. i love how it glows at night. happiness! one tradition that i want to do is get liam a hallmark ornament each year. something he can hang on his christmas tree when he is married to remember his childhood. eric has a bunch that his mom got him through the years. pretty darn cool!
those are just a few of the ornaments on our tree. nothing really matches. all different kinds. just how i love it!
we got the tree up and decorated. i am so excited about this christmas. i have always loved christmas trees. i wish i could afford to decorate them all fancy and fun. love the one at pennys that has pinks, blues, purples...i die!!! but our little white tree makes me happy. i love how it glows at night. happiness! one tradition that i want to do is get liam a hallmark ornament each year. something he can hang on his christmas tree when he is married to remember his childhood. eric has a bunch that his mom got him through the years. pretty darn cool!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
thankful 4
i decided to do a layout for this week's digi dares. this one was right up my alley! the kit is used is "simple pleasures" at sweet shoppe designs. all fonts came from kevin and amanda's.
simple things part 1
when i saw this on rebecca cooper's site i had to do it. i think it will encourage me to take more pictures of everyday little things. in 20 years from now i want to remember the simple things that made me happy. today it is the "baby's first christmas" ornament. it is really liam's 2nd christmas, but last year he was only 4 days old. we didn't get the tree up last year either. i was just way too tired with work ( worked up till 2 days before i had him) and i didn't want eric to take on another task...so it just didn't happen. this year is different. tree is up and it looks great! and this simple little ornament makes me feel so happy that i finally have a baby, soon to be toddler, to celebrate my favorite season with. and a great husband too! :)
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
most thankful
this year has been the most amazing year of my life. i am so thankful for everything and for everyone that came into my life in one way or another. having liam has been incredible. i had no idea how much my life would change. i thank god for it all.
so here is what i am most thankful for this year:
1. liam jackson. the little boy that i fell in love with at 5:43pm on december 21st. 2009. the sweet little man that instantly made the world a better place.
2. eric. he is the best husband and father anyone could have and i am so glad it is me. he is there for me no matter what. means the world to me.
3. my parents. they are there for me 100%. their health is remaining strong, that i am very grateful for.
4. aimee. friends since 4th grade, we never lost track and are still best friends. i don't know how i could ever repay her for all she had done for me.
5. eric's parents and family. i am grateful for a patient and understanding family. they have welcomes me with open arms since day one. they are alwasy there if we need them.
6. my job. yes it is walmart. yes it is retail. but there are so many people without jobs these days, i am very thankful that i have a place to go to tue to sat to make a living.
7. my co-workers. i miss the softline girls really bad. i love laughing with them. talking to them about anything and everything. they are a great group of gals that i love!
8. our dogs vinny and dottie sue. poor things. they don't get the love they need any more. i try but a lot of the time they just lay there and wish we would pet them. i love you pooper dogs! i really do.
9. for all of my friends that have been there for me the last year and plus. i'm so blessed to have them in my life. carla...so glad you are in my life. you are my hero!
10 for myself. i may have a lot i still need to work on but i am so glad i stuck through the bad to get to the best part of my life. i never thought i would get here. the ride was rough but once i arrived i never looked back.
and the not so serious stuff....
1. monster energy drinks. on the nights that liam doesn't sleep well or he decides he wants to go to bed late, a monster takes care of all my worries!
2. sonic happy hour. love me a cherry coke1
3. yummy icing on cookies.
4. pumpkin anything.
5. sunsets. sunrises. the sky in all its glory.
6. underwear that still has elastic left in it.
7. my blackberry storm2
8. photoshop
7. trees
8. art. art in all kinds moves me. it inspires me. especially photography.
9. my little canon. one day it will grow up to be a canon rebel :)
10. mexican food. i could live off of it for a long time. don't think my stomach could but....
11. twitter. what would i do without twitter? i am obsessed with twitter.
12. makeup. they make this 39 year old face a little more tolerable to look at :)
13. laughter. nothing makes you feel better than a good ole laugh.
14. blogs. i read them daily.
and last but not least.....memories.
so here is what i am most thankful for this year:
1. liam jackson. the little boy that i fell in love with at 5:43pm on december 21st. 2009. the sweet little man that instantly made the world a better place.
2. eric. he is the best husband and father anyone could have and i am so glad it is me. he is there for me no matter what. means the world to me.
3. my parents. they are there for me 100%. their health is remaining strong, that i am very grateful for.
4. aimee. friends since 4th grade, we never lost track and are still best friends. i don't know how i could ever repay her for all she had done for me.
5. eric's parents and family. i am grateful for a patient and understanding family. they have welcomes me with open arms since day one. they are alwasy there if we need them.
6. my job. yes it is walmart. yes it is retail. but there are so many people without jobs these days, i am very thankful that i have a place to go to tue to sat to make a living.
7. my co-workers. i miss the softline girls really bad. i love laughing with them. talking to them about anything and everything. they are a great group of gals that i love!
8. our dogs vinny and dottie sue. poor things. they don't get the love they need any more. i try but a lot of the time they just lay there and wish we would pet them. i love you pooper dogs! i really do.
9. for all of my friends that have been there for me the last year and plus. i'm so blessed to have them in my life. carla...so glad you are in my life. you are my hero!
10 for myself. i may have a lot i still need to work on but i am so glad i stuck through the bad to get to the best part of my life. i never thought i would get here. the ride was rough but once i arrived i never looked back.
and the not so serious stuff....
1. monster energy drinks. on the nights that liam doesn't sleep well or he decides he wants to go to bed late, a monster takes care of all my worries!
2. sonic happy hour. love me a cherry coke1
3. yummy icing on cookies.
4. pumpkin anything.
5. sunsets. sunrises. the sky in all its glory.
6. underwear that still has elastic left in it.
7. my blackberry storm2
8. photoshop
7. trees
8. art. art in all kinds moves me. it inspires me. especially photography.
9. my little canon. one day it will grow up to be a canon rebel :)
10. mexican food. i could live off of it for a long time. don't think my stomach could but....
11. twitter. what would i do without twitter? i am obsessed with twitter.
12. makeup. they make this 39 year old face a little more tolerable to look at :)
13. laughter. nothing makes you feel better than a good ole laugh.
14. blogs. i read them daily.
and last but not least.....memories.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
layout share time
did one last night and one this morning. simple ones. i love creating. tried to play with paper the other day and just didn't feel it. i'm looking into a new printer with cheaper ink. the ink for the hp i have now is $30 for the color!!! so maybe santa will bring me a new printer so i can print my layouts for once? lol
today and tomorrow we are rearranging the living room. going to get a play yard for the dude from stephanie. going to put the christmas tree up on thursday so we need room for that as well. eric is putting lights on the house too. we are going all out this year!
Saturday, November 20, 2010
on being a mom
i saw this on a blog and i HAD to put it on mine. omg...it is amazing!
On Being a Mom:
We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family."
"We're taking a survey," she says half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"
"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.
"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations."
But that is not what I meant at all.
I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable. I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper ; without asking, "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.
I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop her best crystal without a moment's hesitation. I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.
I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom. However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.
Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give herself up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish his or hers. I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor.
My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would not now find very romantic. I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice, and drunk driving. I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts.
My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes.
"You'll never regret it," I finally say.
Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.
On Being a Mom:
We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family."
"We're taking a survey," she says half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"
"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.
"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations."
But that is not what I meant at all.
I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable. I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper ; without asking, "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.
I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop her best crystal without a moment's hesitation. I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.
I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom. However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.
Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give herself up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish his or hers. I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor.
My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would not now find very romantic. I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice, and drunk driving. I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts.
My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes.
"You'll never regret it," I finally say.
Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.
Monday, November 15, 2010
getting ready for his first birthday
i'm sure he will look a lot like this if not a lot more messy :) i had to take the cover off of the high chair to clean it. guess i should have waited till he ate this cookie lol
yeah.....i need to work on my flash! :)
Sunday, November 14, 2010
some examples of christmas cards
i used one of andie smith design's christmas cards to make a few to show people that you don't need a family photo to do your christmas cards. here is the article: 6 more weeks!
now off to work on christmas presents that i am going to make. at least today i am. we'll see if i can pull it off! :)
now off to work on christmas presents that i am going to make. at least today i am. we'll see if i can pull it off! :)
pictures always make me happy
and i find them at flickr!
1. give me wings so I can fly; 312/365 *explored #229*, 2. Busan Rain, 3. little surprises ..., 4. lazy hazy crazy days, 5. closed for the season, 6. About Stones In The Milk II, 7. an old shot , 8. Tenía el otoño encima, 9. Untitled
Friday, November 12, 2010
eating some mashed taters
here is how liam eats mashed potatoes. and i use the word "eats" losely!
last saturday, the 6th, liam became a big boy. we turned his car seat to the front. he meets the requirements to do so. slow down, dude...you are getting too big too fast! :)
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
i so can't wait for christmas
last year's christmas was amazing. our little boy was only 4 days old. we didn't go anywhere because the roads were icy. didn't want to take a chance with the little man out in the cold and me or eric falling on our butts. so we stayed home. our little family. liam in his christmas pjs. all cozy with us taking turns holding him. this year he will be one when it is christmastime. it is going to be so magical. i have already started to shop for him. got a few ideas up my sleeve. course we need to find birthday presents too. so it's time to shop. i have a few things i want to go get before the sale ends this week. oh the boy...he is going to be getting a lot i bet :)
i used to love christmas. the lights. the music. and something happened that made me hate it. won't go into detail. but now my favorite time is alive again. i am so excited to decorate the house. we need to get living room organized as to where to put it. i do want to paint the living room and dining room. not sure if we can do that by thanksgiving or not. yes, the tree will be up that night.
traditions. i don't know what traditions we will set just yet. i think we'll see how that goes and add each year. probably when he is a bit older we can set solid ones that he will remember.
anyways...i am super excited for this time of year. i missed it so much.
i am excited to say that i am on dianne rigdon's creative team. here is my first layout using a kit called "now i lay" that is at 2peas in a bucket.
more fun stuff to come!
i used to love christmas. the lights. the music. and something happened that made me hate it. won't go into detail. but now my favorite time is alive again. i am so excited to decorate the house. we need to get living room organized as to where to put it. i do want to paint the living room and dining room. not sure if we can do that by thanksgiving or not. yes, the tree will be up that night.
traditions. i don't know what traditions we will set just yet. i think we'll see how that goes and add each year. probably when he is a bit older we can set solid ones that he will remember.
anyways...i am super excited for this time of year. i missed it so much.
i am excited to say that i am on dianne rigdon's creative team. here is my first layout using a kit called "now i lay" that is at 2peas in a bucket.
Monday, November 08, 2010
i wish
i wish i could describe to people with anxiety disorder feels like. i don't know how to explain to someone that doesn't have panic attacks. it is so hard to live with at times. you want people to understand but they can't. the only ones that can understand are the ones that go through it like you do. that know if you step out of your comfort zone life takes on a whole new meaning.
i've been dealing with this for over half my life. they only ones that know it is serious are the ones that has seen me panic. eric hasn't seen that yet. when we started dating my life starting changing. at that time i wasn't able to do a lot of things. i won't go into detail because then people would think i was totally insane. but something changed with him. it was trust. i started growing a trust i lost a long time ago. he was, and still is, patient with me in getting to know what all i go through. i can honestly say i haven't had a full blown panic attack since we got together. smaller ones, more like major anxiety, but nothing like they used to be. the can't breath. the can't focus. the can't see what is around me but i know it is there. the "i think i am going to die" feeling. the "what if i can't get back and i die right here?" feeling.
it is the scariest feeling in my life. i have been through a lot but nothing scares me more than a panic attack. i went through a very unhappy marriage for so many years because i was afraid of the panic attacks. i was afraid of the unknown. but the last few years my darkness has turned around. i see light once again. i see that there is happiness. i see that i can be strong and handle what i need to. however, in the back of my mind is still that voice that says "what if...."
i guess i rely too much on eric and my family. i sometimes think "what would i do if i was all alone?" a very scary thought and feeling. i don't know what i would do without the support that i have right now. it is hard for me to meet people. it's like i think they already know and they won't like me. that they will think i am weird. so i am quiet. i don't say much till i feel it is ok to let go. if i can make you laugh, tell you jokes, talk to you, etc...then you know i feel it is safe to let you in.
people used to think i was faking it. trust me, i would rather do things that i don't do because i fear panic than i would lie about something like this. i would rathaer go do so many things that didn't make me happy than to be stuck in this town. but it isn't easy. i don't know if it every will be easy. tolerable maybe. easy...not so much. well i am sure it will be once i learn that fear is something i put in my head. the unhealthy fear. not the fear of "oh there is someone in my house" kind of fear. the fear i am talking about steals your ability to live a life that you were meant to have.
people have come and gone in my life. some i think left or don't stay in contact because i am that the normal friend that can just drop what i am doing and go to lunch. or come over to chat. or anything that people take forgranted. i am sure they thought "well we can't have much of a relationship if rhonda can't....." and i don't blame them. but i need that friendship even if i can't just drop it all and do something as easy as go shopping.
i don't know why i need to share this but i do. a lot of people know about my disorder and a lot don't. i don't talk about it unless i really know you. trust with me has to be earned before i can tell you something like this. though i have said a lot right here, there is still more. in fact, i am wanting to write a book to tell about the things i went through and such. i started it years ago and wish i could work on it. some day i suppose. but as for now i will continue the fight and win. life is too short to let fear control it.
i've been dealing with this for over half my life. they only ones that know it is serious are the ones that has seen me panic. eric hasn't seen that yet. when we started dating my life starting changing. at that time i wasn't able to do a lot of things. i won't go into detail because then people would think i was totally insane. but something changed with him. it was trust. i started growing a trust i lost a long time ago. he was, and still is, patient with me in getting to know what all i go through. i can honestly say i haven't had a full blown panic attack since we got together. smaller ones, more like major anxiety, but nothing like they used to be. the can't breath. the can't focus. the can't see what is around me but i know it is there. the "i think i am going to die" feeling. the "what if i can't get back and i die right here?" feeling.
it is the scariest feeling in my life. i have been through a lot but nothing scares me more than a panic attack. i went through a very unhappy marriage for so many years because i was afraid of the panic attacks. i was afraid of the unknown. but the last few years my darkness has turned around. i see light once again. i see that there is happiness. i see that i can be strong and handle what i need to. however, in the back of my mind is still that voice that says "what if...."
i guess i rely too much on eric and my family. i sometimes think "what would i do if i was all alone?" a very scary thought and feeling. i don't know what i would do without the support that i have right now. it is hard for me to meet people. it's like i think they already know and they won't like me. that they will think i am weird. so i am quiet. i don't say much till i feel it is ok to let go. if i can make you laugh, tell you jokes, talk to you, etc...then you know i feel it is safe to let you in.
people used to think i was faking it. trust me, i would rather do things that i don't do because i fear panic than i would lie about something like this. i would rathaer go do so many things that didn't make me happy than to be stuck in this town. but it isn't easy. i don't know if it every will be easy. tolerable maybe. easy...not so much. well i am sure it will be once i learn that fear is something i put in my head. the unhealthy fear. not the fear of "oh there is someone in my house" kind of fear. the fear i am talking about steals your ability to live a life that you were meant to have.
people have come and gone in my life. some i think left or don't stay in contact because i am that the normal friend that can just drop what i am doing and go to lunch. or come over to chat. or anything that people take forgranted. i am sure they thought "well we can't have much of a relationship if rhonda can't....." and i don't blame them. but i need that friendship even if i can't just drop it all and do something as easy as go shopping.
i don't know why i need to share this but i do. a lot of people know about my disorder and a lot don't. i don't talk about it unless i really know you. trust with me has to be earned before i can tell you something like this. though i have said a lot right here, there is still more. in fact, i am wanting to write a book to tell about the things i went through and such. i started it years ago and wish i could work on it. some day i suppose. but as for now i will continue the fight and win. life is too short to let fear control it.
Sunday, November 07, 2010
showly but surely
slowly but surely i am getting better. after making another trip to the dr on thursday, they figured out that i have an upper respiratory infection. so i got a penicilln shot and more penicilln to take. she says that i never got over the ear ordeal and the throat infection. so hopefully this will help. i am feeling better and getting my strength back.
liam got another tooth. his upper front right broke through yesterday. it isn't all the way through but i am sure it will be soon!
friday there was a fire in town. after growing up with a dad that was a reserve for the sheriff's department (we'd always have the scanner on and go to big fires), fire interests me. i know that is bad to say because if there is a fire someone is losing something, but i love to watch it. love to watch the fire fighters. the lights. the sirens. the smoke. the fire. love it. here are some shots i got from the fire:
i took 91 photos but not all came out that great. the way the sun was positioned didn't help. but i got some great shots. one day that canon rebel will be mine :)
liam got another tooth. his upper front right broke through yesterday. it isn't all the way through but i am sure it will be soon!
friday there was a fire in town. after growing up with a dad that was a reserve for the sheriff's department (we'd always have the scanner on and go to big fires), fire interests me. i know that is bad to say because if there is a fire someone is losing something, but i love to watch it. love to watch the fire fighters. the lights. the sirens. the smoke. the fire. love it. here are some shots i got from the fire:
Monday, November 01, 2010
the dude's first halloween
well the dude's first halloween was fun. we had a total blast dressing him up in his disco dancing outfit. we only hit aimee's and my parents because we both had a cold and had no energy. eric's parents came up and saw him dressed up. wish we could have went to more places but i was just too tired. here's the dude in all his glory.
\
not really wanting his wig on.
\"hey look...suddenly i have hair!"
"i'm trying to dance but these shoes are killing my feet."
"i think i got it now."
party on, dude...party on!
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