Thursday, February 02, 2012

so it has lasted more than a week

usually after a bad panic attack i feel like crap mentally and physically for a week, maybe less. this time the mental part has lasted longer. i think about how stuck i am. how i haven't went anywhere forever. how this is going to take me so long to get over. how i've missed out on so much in my life. how people don't understand and judge. how i wish it would just go away. how i want to just go and not feel one ounce of anxiety or fear.

too many years. too many negative things. all have been drilled into my head. all have haunted me day and night. i think about how many people i have disappointed. how many lies i have told when people asked me to go somewhere. no one asks now, i guess word got around??? i get so tired of living like this. change then. yeah, so easy to say, not so easy to do. how do you just change? i want to change my thinking. i want to change a lot of things but i feel overwhelmed....where do i start? how do i start?

i stopped therapy for two reasons. one....there is no one to watch liam so he has to go with us. he will sit in there for a little bit but then he is ready to go. distracting. two...i couldn't afford the book she wanted to work out of. now i can. i need to call her back and make an appointment. i think his sitter would watch him for an hour on mondays, it's just explainging why. i don't want to have to say..."i go to thereapy for anxiety." if had fears that what if people find out about my agoraphobia and try to take liam? especially after he had his appendix out. i'd give anything to be able to go anywhere. i wish i could have been up there. last night i asked eric if anyone was mad at me because i couldn't go. he asked what brought that up. i said from time to time i think of these things and since my anxiety has been up lately i thought about it. i mean, how can anyone not understand and be mad because the mother of this sweet hurting child can't be there????

i wish i had answers to all of it. i wish i could explain to where anyone would/could understand. i wish i didn't have to explain anything or go through this for that fact. i said last night "why was me? why did this happen to me?" i used to be able to do so much now..... i'm starting to think about how liam is getting older and will want to do things. how in a few years he may be playing baseball (that is up to him but i am sure he will want to) and how i will want to go to these games. not everything is in town. the more i think about it, the more discouraged i get because i have so much work to do. so much to work on.

i know i need to look at all of this as a want to get over this and i do. that is why i started therapy. at times it just seems so overwhelming. it's like this huge mountain that i have to climb. that no matter what direction i take to get to the top, i get distracted by down trees, poisonous flowers, deadly animals like bears and mountain lions....all stop you in your tracks and make you rethink if climbing this mountain is worth the fight.

how do i climb it? i do i fight off those animals? how do i not take the wrong way so i don't end up at the beginning and have to start the climb all over?

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