sometimes we need to fall apart

Sometimes we need to fall apart..


We don't always have to be strong to be strong. Sometimes our strength is expressed in being vulnerable. Sometimes we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.

We all have days when we cannot push any harder, cannot hold back self-doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be strong.

There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible. Occasionally, we don't want to get out of our pajamas.

Sometimes we cry in front of people. We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger. Those days are okay. They are just okay.

Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to "fall apart" when we need to. We do not need to be perpetual towers of strength. We ARE strong. We have proven that
Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.
Today, help me to know that is it okay to allow myself to be human. Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when I need to "fall apart."

Author Unknown

i feel like falling apart at times. after reading this i see that it is important to fall apart and regroup. a great way to just let go and release it all. i feel like i have to hold it in. what if someone sees that i am weak right now? we all get weak. we all lose our strength. we all need to lose it and regroup. so glad i got this in an email!

you bring me close to god.

after reading this post: kelly hampton, i realized how much closer i am to god now that i have eric and the litte man. i am not a certain religion. tried that once and i now know that there are much more people that god made for all of us to learn from. there is so much wisdom we can learn from every religion: happines, how to be a better person, living a life of joy, not judging, helping others. there are wise words from lots, not just jesus. i could go on to preach how i have known so many so called "christians" that have done more backstabbing than anyone i know but i won't. that isn't the point of this post. the point of this post is that i closer to god now than every before. i pray more. i thank him daily for eric and liam. i want to be a better person. i want to be more spiritual. i believe that if i am i can show liam  more of what it is like to be a good person. how to give to others. i want him to be respectable, polite and friendly. i can't teach him if i don't do that myself. i know god will help me in doing this. i still have learning to do in those areas.

without these two miracles in my life i would be stuck in an unhappiness that would lead me to god knows what. i'm so glad he listens to us and knows what we need!

just a little something

not much time to write so i will post a couple things i have worked on and a picture of the dude!

and the dude!

toys

must get the dude some toys! well he has some, but after watching him play at julies, he needs bigger toys. toys he can learn with. so we are in search big boy toys for the dude! i have my eye on this toy that is the dashboard of a car. i think he'll like that. he is using his motor skills with the toys she has so we must upgrade. little man is getting so big!

here are some digital layouts i did today:

yep...life is wonderful!

7 months!

wow, where has the time went? i can't believe how much my life has changed in such a short amount of time. little man was 7 months old yesterday. 5 more months till i need to figure out what to do for his birthday. what theme i want to go with. fun stuff! his stands in his jumperoo grabbing the banana and birdie at the top. months ago he just sat in it with this look like "what am i suppose to do in here?" and now he jumps and turns around. sigh....my sweet little man.

here's to many more great days with him.

feeling better

stress gets me down. it builds up and i don't do anything about it till i blow up. after a good cry and a talk with eric all is better. today will be a better day. i just need to focus on while thing at a time and not everything at once. some how it will all work out. it always does. :)

stressed beyond belief

ok, people told me motherhood was hard and i believe them. it is hard. it is also hard keeping up the house, keeping everyone fed, doing the laundry, planning a wedding. i feel like am going to scream. i am tired of crap just laying around. i am not the only one that sees this but yet i am the only one that picks it up. lunch. if i didn't fix it we wouldn't eat. dishes would sit if i didn't load them. and now i have to plan a wedding to which we have no money to get anything for????? how the heck am i suppose to do this all and work? no, i didn't think it would all be easy but i would like some help. thinking maybe we should put the wedding off till i can afford to pay for it and to plan it. right now i can seem to have time for myself except at night when we get home...after liam is asleep. i don't do anything bc i am so overwhelmed and it piles up and then i am in overload to get it done. i am not the only one in this household. i am so tired of me having to blow up before anything gets done.
off to cry and take a nap.
and no....i am not about to start my period!

some fun stuff

i love art. in all sorts of forms. i love art. especially photography! found these at someone's tumblr page.

10 random things

1. i love the a/c on 73 throughout the night. cuddling under the blankets. hate waking up with a sinus headache from it.

2. i can't remember anything any more. and by the sounds of it, it won't be coming back any time soon.

3. i have been cooking for 2 for quite sometime. i still can't get the portions right.

4. i could take the pregnancy pictures that i forgot to take, like on the way to the hospital, because i look like i am 9 months pregnant. the only thing different is my hair color.

5. it makes me happy to see pooh. liam's pooh that is. "yay, liam poopied.."

6. i still get anxious at work even though i have been there 2 years, the 28th is my anniversary. i just don't let people know.

7. i'm slowly starting to write that book of me that i have been wanting to write. hoping that it will help other people with anxiety, panic and agoraphobia.

8. i love to gossip. it never left me after high school. bad probably but....

9. i want to accept myself and not worry when i have a pepsi or a cherry vanilla coke at sonic. i will be fat for the rest of my life. i won't be a size 12 ever again. period.

10. sometimes i wish i could sleep till noon. but i love waking up with the dude. our mornings are our time. i can sleep when he's off to college. maybe.

reading

daddy and liam reading. sweetness!

the house

when i walk through the house i look at things that i need to do or want to do. there is so much that i want to organize, hang, redecorate.....etc. but when? sure, right now as i sit down at look at my favorite blogs i can be doing something...BUT...liam is asleep. eric is asleep. i don't want to wake them. then when liam gets up it is time with him. feeding. playing. he is getting to the age where he can entertain himself but the kid only wants to do something for maybe 30 minutes then he is bored. hmmmm, kinda sounds like me. so maybe when he is a bit older he will entertain himself a lot longer and let me do things.

with so much to do i get overwhelmed and don't know where to start. then i get frustrated and just don't do anything. on our days off it is like i just want to rest and relax. after working all week the last thing i want to do is move stuff around and organize. but the dude will be crawling before we know it so we need to start baby proofing the house. we need to buy a couple more bookshelves to put in the dining room to get eric's movie collection away from tiny hands. without a doubt we will start working on it this weekend.

i want to paint in here too. see, i keep adding to the list. :) i am not one to work on things, i want it done now! so if i want to decorate, move things, i want to do it today and have it done tonight! i think that is why i get frustrated and don't do anything is because i know it won't get done in a couple of hours so i just ignore it and go on to something else.

it will all come together i know. i didn't realize having a child would be so time consuming. i feel like i am failing at the "keeping the house perfect and clean" but sometimes i just can't get up and running to do it. he takes all my time. by the time eric gets up, there is about an hour left and then i have to get lunch made and then ready for work. so i shouldn't be hard on myself but i am. it will all get done in time.

in the mean time i will enjoy every moment with liam. he is getting so big. in one week he will be 7 months! omg...where is time going?

sunflowers

love them. they are starting to bloom here. so i had to go to flickr to find some!

1. Sunflowers And Butterfly Cropped - Helianthus, 2. Sunflower, 3. sunflowers, 4. ~ The Sunflower Field ~, 5. sunflower, 6. Autumn Sunflower, 7. Ah! Sunflower, 8. Flaming sunflower, 9. sunflower_experimenting

caffeine

i need it. i have to have it. i thought i could do without it like i used to but i can't. i have to have a monster in the morning. i thought i could give up pepsi and coke but can't. i have to have something to keep me awake and moving. i didn't realize how tired motherhood would make you. i haven't had a pop for a week till today. oh i was in a good mood 45 minutes later, if that long. the sugar and caffeine started running through my veins. happiness! with drinking said pop i got the refrigerator cleaned out. laundry done. dinner cooked. ahhh, a new woman.  i want to lose this weight and know i need to stop the pop but not right now. i will drink less that i use to but i am not stopping it all together. can't. won't. period!

we took liam to the dr today. i thought he had another ear infeciton going on. nope, just a summer cold. it's probably a cold and/or teething but i didn't want to take a chance since he had an ear infection already. the man weighs 22lb 14oz and 27 1/2 inches long! big guy i tell ya! i wonder how big he will be in december?

perfect.

yes buddy, you are!

eric went to put liam in bed. he fell asleep on the couch. liam got a bit fuss. eric grabbed his teddy bear and he grabbed it with both arms and fell right to sleep. melted my heart!

yep, that boys is so adorable! love him lots....and his daddy too :)

sitting up!

the dude is sitting up so good now. today i plopped him in the play yard with some pillows and toys. he had a blast.

so much to do before the wedding. i found a lot of ideas at martha stewart weddings.com. i want to make as much as i can. i need to get on the ball. thankfully it will be a small wedding so i won't have a ton to make. trying to decide if i want real flowers for my bouquet or fake. how to put the dude in the wedding with us. little things. it's fun. i just need to come up with a plan on what to use for decorations, center pieces and such and then get to producing!

what?

"you're saying i didn't win the baby contest?"

the 4th was a blast...no pun intended. though i fell asleep at mom and dads, i had a great time..especially taking liam to the baby contest. i was so excited! he looked so cute in his swim trunks, glasses and hat.

but the dude didn't win. and that is ok. he is still the cutest darn baby i know. who needs judges! :)

so glad that dad is feeling better. such a scare the other night when he was weak. we told him he isn't mowing any more and he isn't. so he better stay in the house when it is hot and not mow. he got overheated while mowing and get very weak. scared the crap out of all of us.

and after seeing myself in the above pictures, it is time to work on getting this weight off again. so no more pop and i am going to try my best to cut out the monster too. one at a time though. don't want major headaches and eric doesn't want a whiney woman on his hands....well no more than usual. i lost it before, i can lose it again. i just need to cut out the pop and monster energy drinks. i need to find a time to walk or do something to get moving. not sure yet what or when but hopefully i will figure it out. yes, i can take him for a walk in the stroller. that is one idea. but i like to put music on to help me move. i don't. one day i will find the rhythm again.