being a mid-life mom

yesterday i found a book at hastings called "secrets of a mid-life mom" by jane jarrell. i am hoping by reading this it will give me some peace and shed some light on being a mid-life mom.

don't get me wrong, i love liam with all my heart and soul, but for 38 years i did things on my own, well at least when i wanted to and how i wanted to. i was use to coming home and getting on the computer. i was use to sleeping in. use to getting things i wanted. now it is totally different and sometimes it is really hard. it's hard to accept that i can't get something. sometimes its a struggle to get a new pair of jeans. i fear if i spend that money on pants that liam may need something. i have gone without things so he would. that doesn't bother me but it is hard to get use to. i would give up everything for him. but it is a struggle. i think it would be for anyone that had a child at 38.

i'm more stressed now that i used to be. i stress over things way too easily now. like the kitchen counters being a mess. and now to add to my stress, the stress of getting rid of the bottle and him going to sleep on his own. i stress because i stopped doing a lot of things i loved to do. paper scrapbooking is one. i couldn't afford to get stuff that i wanted. i wanted to keep the money for him. yes, a wise mother but once again hard. i did it for so many years 10 in fact, that it is hard to give up what i loved so much for him.

i don't want to sound like its all about me or that i don't want to be there for him or some bad mother. i am just saying that it is hard being a mother at my age. it is a constant adjustment each day, especially as he gets older. yes, i love it and i welcome it with every part of me, but it is a huge adjustment. huge!

on christmas i heard of others getting ipads, kindle's etc....things i want so bad. but i can't. i got depressed because i couldn't get them and plus i wondered if i would be able to do this for liam as he gets older. we decided a few weeks ago to get a christmas club account so that way we will have the means to get what he needs and maybe something for us. we didn't get each other anything. well he got me a $7 movie and i got him a $5 shirt.

i thank god for my little man. i love him with all my heart and soul. what i really need help with adjusting to things as he gets older. money is so tight, no thanks to walmart cutting my hours, i want to be able to provide for him. we have done well so far i think. i really wish i could find a woman's group around town to share ideas with others that have kids my age. i am grateful for the friends that i have that have helped me with the tons of questions i have, but i would really like to take him somewhere and fellowship with other moms with the same age kids.

i just want balance but how? you'd think i would be wise at 39 but not too much about toddlers. :)
peace!

here is 17 and 18

totally behind on my december daily. hoping to catch up today and tomorrow. more to come today about liam's first "real" christmas. :)

most over looked illness

mental illness is the most over looked illness out there. of course this is strickly my opinion but i feel strongly about after what i have went through in my life. just today i went to urgent care to get a change of prescription because my anxiety is bad but they wouldn't see me for it. i had to go to the er. they did it before so i don't know what the difference is now. i can't see a dr till the 18th of january. i have to call one dr back after the 3rd. my depression and anxiety is getting worse daily but no one seems to care.

read HERE about the statistics of mental disorders in amercia.

suicides are on the rise. i wonder how many of these people seeked out help but was told to wait. how many life's could have been saved if there wasn't the "we can't help you" attitude. what does it take for people to realize this is a real illness that isn't made up. we aren't faking it. but yet no matter what we get the run around.

about a month ago i lost my medication. i called the community health center that i go to and explained that i had lost my meds. they said the dr was out till monday. i asked if i could get at least 3 to get me through the weekend till he got back. NO! they wouldn't let me. it took eric and me calling and complaining (let me tell you it was not a pretty site when i called) to finally get them to give me some meds. i am not a freaking druggie. though the lady today at urgent care made me feel that way. just because i need medication to make each day livable doesn't mean i am any less of a person than anyone else. heck, i am probably better than some because i want to make a difference i what i do to show myself i can do things.

if you have never suffered from anxiety, depression, panic attacks, etc...you won't understand. no one will fully understand it unless they live it. it is like saying to someone that has cancer and you never have "oh i understand." no you don't. how can you? don't ever tell me you understand because you don't. no one would understand some of the things i can't do if i told them. if people found out..my god...i would be the laughing stock of work and lord knows where else. and why??? because they don't know anything about it so they choose to make fun of and not learn what it is about.

i am very thankful that i now have in-laws that understand the best they can about this. i lived 16 years with a set that thought i faked it. thought god knows what. i don't know what all they thought but one thing that was mentioned was i would never be a part of their family till i made it to their house. oh yeah....i have agoraphobia too. so with comments like that i never once truly wanted to make it to their house. why should i? with comments like that they didn't care one ounce about me. they never onced wanted to try to learn about it. my god i am so glad those days are over. i spend so many nights crying to myself just wanting to be a part of that family and wondered why they treated me like crap. and the so called sister-in-law that competed with me and made it all worse. jesus, thank you for answering my prayers and giving me eric.

i will win this battle. slowly but surely i am. i am doing things that i couldn't do before. it is a long, slow battle but it can be won. just don't treat me like i am so freak because i am not. it is genetic. it is a learned behavior. two strikes against me. love me and respect met that is all i ask.

if you know of anyone that suffers from any mental illness, try to help them in any way you can. learn about what is going on. be there for them. comfort them. pray for them. never belittle, judge or make fun of them. and you know...that goes for just about anyone in life.

1 year!

i can not believe it has been one year since liam come into this world and changed my life. i had no idea how much a baby would bring so much joy, love and peace into your life. just a year ago at this moment i was hooked up to pitocin trying to get me to dialate. that never worked so he came via c-section at 5:43pm.

this whole year has been a blur. is it hard for you guys to remember what they looked liked when they were just tiny babies? i'd have to look at pictures to remember. seems like my mind and memory are focused on now. it doesn't seem like he is the size he is. he doesn't seem like he was ever 7lb 12.5oz and 18 inches long. i focus so much on each day that i tend to forget the little things. like his tiny toes. his tiny hand. oh to have that back for just couple of minutes to cuddle with him.

my heart is filled with so much love and joy. i can't believe that god finally answered my prayers and gave me what i needed the most in my life to complete it. liam is such a beautiful creation. everything i always wanted in a child. his big blue eyes. long eye lashes. that smile. man...i love my little boy.

i never thought i would have a child. i cherished every moment of my pregnancy and each day with him. i know he wants his dad when he is sleepy and cranky. i know it isn't me. but it is hard. i just want to be a great mom to him. i cherish every day that we have with him. he is our blessing.

i'm sure i will write more tonight but i needed to get this out.
i love you liam jackson.

1st birthday party

today we celebrated liam's first birthday. he won't officially be 1 till the 21st so we celebrated today. at first he wasn't sure if he should touch the cake or what. but once he started and knew it was ok he took off!

and then he dove in!

i might try this in march when i turn 40. looks like a better way to enjoy a cake!

and then he realized that he was a mess and apparently that didn't set too well with him.

once he got cleaned up well all ate some cake (with a plate and fork) and enjoyed chatting to each other and laughing about the above shots. he got lots of toys and clothes. he got to meet his 2 cousins for the first time. luke, he daycare buddy, came. it was a great day. here are some photos of him opening presents.

and the cake. can't forget the cake. samantha that i work with did a great job on the cake!

happy birthday, dude. momma and daddy love you very much!

some christmas flickr!

1. christmas is coming!, 2. christmas globes, 3. pink christmas lolli with finishing touches, 4. Simply having a wonderful christmastime, 5. christmas decorating, 6. my pink christmas tree, 7. HAPPY CHRISTMAS BOKEH! XXX, 8. christmas is on its way, 9. how to make christmas ornaments, 10. christmastime, 11. christmas 003, 12. It's Christmastime...

lots to do this week

nothing like down to the wire for me. i always wait till the last minute, always. it's how i work. tried to change it but i can't. nope, won't happen. so this sunday we will be celebrating the dude's 1st birthday. holy moly....1 year! i can't believe it. i need to get decorations, plates, forks, the cake. fun times. can't wait. and then there is christmas shopping. we pretty much have all the toys we are getting liam. now for some clothes. and then shopping for everyone else. finishing up on gifts i am making. tonight, if it works out right, we will drive around and look at christmas lights. think a trip to starbucks to get peppermint hot chocolate will be in store if we do that :)

i was playing with liam in his play yard. my feet were freezing. eric got me a pair of socks. i said thank you and so did liam!!!! i looked at eric and he looked at me. both with the face of "did you hear that?" i guess i better start watching what i say. lol

we've been waiting an hour to leave to go pay a couple of bills and errands, hoping liam would take a nap. hopefully this round will do the trick. rest up little man...lots to do today!

here is the dude standing up playing in the play yard. want to bet when he will be walking????
also day 12 in my daily december!

days 9, 10, 11

peace!

simple things #3

this week a few gals from apparel got together to suprise stephanie for her birthday. emily iced the cake, i decorated it. a simple cake that made a dear friend happy. sometimes it only takes the simple things to make a lasting impression...that and the chinese waiter from the restaurant singing happy birthday in chinese! :)

jump over to rebecca's and start your weekly "the simple things."

days 7 and 8

rolling right along with my december daily. they aren't all related to christmas and that is ok. it will be once it is closer to christmas.

i have been wanting to read "the power of a positive mom" for a while now. i want to be a positive role model to liam. i have read "power of a positive woman" years ago and really enjoyed it. i am hoping this will help me stay positive when i question if i am doing things right. when liam wants eric instead of me. and things that will come up from time to time. i question way too much stuff. i just need to give it all to god and he will take care of things. he always has and always will.

the joy of creating

got a few things done yesterday. got up early, on my day off might i add, and did a little work before laura came to visit. i got my layout for dianne rigdon's new kit "feed the birds." it will be new at 2peas today.

i got this done for andie smith designs. love her stuff. she has a great variety of styles for your photos. one day i will print these bigger ones off, if i can find frames for them. lol

and then my layout for my december daily. i went with a different kit this time. i was going to use the same kit throughout the album but i am seeing all these great kits that i don't think i can do that now lol

it has to come off

about 5 years ago i decided that i needed to lose weight. i was totally unhappy with my body. it started with one step and then another and then another....i started walking. once i started walking the eating and drinking right fell into place. in a years time i lost 74lbs. i felt like a new person. each weekly weigh in was exciting. and then some major changed in my life happened and i started eating wrong. i gained 20lbs because when i am stressed i eat. it leveled off and i stopped gaining. i got pregnant and gained 32lb. i lost 26 of it after i had liam. but the 6 weeks off from work did it for me. i sat around. well i was recooperating from a csection...good excuse i suppose. i started drinking pop that i gave up 5 years ago. i went back to work and was tired when i got home. having a newborn, work, house work...i never ate right or exercised.

so here i am today. god knows how much i have gained because i am not stepping on that scale for nothing. i am going to join girlfriends. it is a gym for women that is a few blocks from work. i used to go before i got pregnant. i stopped going about 3 months into my pregnancy because i was too tired to work out. you have to sign up for a year. i don't know what will happen each month if we will have the money for me to work out but we will have to make it work because this weight has to come off....no if's and's or but's.  i'm so ashamed of how i look. i hate that there are smaller clothes in my closet that i can't get into. but i can't look at the past. i can't change any of it. i can only look to the future and take each step of this weight loss slowly and concentrate on what i will look and feel like in a year.

it is a slow process. but you know, i remember it being really easy for me. i guess it was because i had a lot of time on my hands then. now...not so much. but i look forward to it. i have seen a few people at work and people i know that have lost and i envy it. i want it. i want to be healthy and look good. and it isn't for anyone but me. here we good. first exercise and then the rest will come. it will. and i'm excited!

days 4 and 5

here are days 4 and 5 of my december daily album. i am enjoying this a lot. looking foward to each day. kinda thinking about doing a 365 one like becky higgins...hmmmmm

someone enjoys chocolate donuts just a little too much!

yeah...i wash the high chair cover a lot lol

simple things #2

i love sunsets. i walked out of walmart and saw this! it looks as if they clouds have been put there by a paint brush. it made me stop and look. it instantly put a smile on my face. just what i needed!
join us for simple things created by rebecca cooper!

december daily

this year i decided i am doing this no matter what! last year i tried. i was too tired being 9 months pregnant and working to be at the computer. bed was the only thing i wanted this time last year....well and for liam to get here :) so this year i am doing it. i am going to record something each day. even if it isn't holiday related i will do it. so far i am enjoying it. here is the title page and then days 1 and 2.

the kit is "joyful christmas" by vera lim. daily numbers are "countables" by katie pertiet

if you are doing december daily please let me know. i want to see what you are doing.