Monday, December 06, 2010

it has to come off

about 5 years ago i decided that i needed to lose weight. i was totally unhappy with my body. it started with one step and then another and then another....i started walking. once i started walking the eating and drinking right fell into place. in a years time i lost 74lbs. i felt like a new person. each weekly weigh in was exciting. and then some major changed in my life happened and i started eating wrong. i gained 20lbs because when i am stressed i eat. it leveled off and i stopped gaining. i got pregnant and gained 32lb. i lost 26 of it after i had liam. but the 6 weeks off from work did it for me. i sat around. well i was recooperating from a csection...good excuse i suppose. i started drinking pop that i gave up 5 years ago. i went back to work and was tired when i got home. having a newborn, work, house work...i never ate right or exercised.

so here i am today. god knows how much i have gained because i am not stepping on that scale for nothing. i am going to join girlfriends. it is a gym for women that is a few blocks from work. i used to go before i got pregnant. i stopped going about 3 months into my pregnancy because i was too tired to work out. you have to sign up for a year. i don't know what will happen each month if we will have the money for me to work out but we will have to make it work because this weight has to come if's and's or but's.  i'm so ashamed of how i look. i hate that there are smaller clothes in my closet that i can't get into. but i can't look at the past. i can't change any of it. i can only look to the future and take each step of this weight loss slowly and concentrate on what i will look and feel like in a year.

it is a slow process. but you know, i remember it being really easy for me. i guess it was because i had a lot of time on my hands then. now...not so much. but i look forward to it. i have seen a few people at work and people i know that have lost and i envy it. i want it. i want to be healthy and look good. and it isn't for anyone but me. here we good. first exercise and then the rest will come. it will. and i'm excited!

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