yesterday i found a book at hastings called "secrets of a mid-life mom" by jane jarrell. i am hoping by reading this it will give me some peace and shed some light on being a mid-life mom.
don't get me wrong, i love liam with all my heart and soul, but for 38 years i did things on my own, well at least when i wanted to and how i wanted to. i was use to coming home and getting on the computer. i was use to sleeping in. use to getting things i wanted. now it is totally different and sometimes it is really hard. it's hard to accept that i can't get something. sometimes its a struggle to get a new pair of jeans. i fear if i spend that money on pants that liam may need something. i have gone without things so he would. that doesn't bother me but it is hard to get use to. i would give up everything for him. but it is a struggle. i think it would be for anyone that had a child at 38.
i'm more stressed now that i used to be. i stress over things way too easily now. like the kitchen counters being a mess. and now to add to my stress, the stress of getting rid of the bottle and him going to sleep on his own. i stress because i stopped doing a lot of things i loved to do. paper scrapbooking is one. i couldn't afford to get stuff that i wanted. i wanted to keep the money for him. yes, a wise mother but once again hard. i did it for so many years 10 in fact, that it is hard to give up what i loved so much for him.
i don't want to sound like its all about me or that i don't want to be there for him or some bad mother. i am just saying that it is hard being a mother at my age. it is a constant adjustment each day, especially as he gets older. yes, i love it and i welcome it with every part of me, but it is a huge adjustment. huge!
on christmas i heard of others getting ipads, kindle's etc....things i want so bad. but i can't. i got depressed because i couldn't get them and plus i wondered if i would be able to do this for liam as he gets older. we decided a few weeks ago to get a christmas club account so that way we will have the means to get what he needs and maybe something for us. we didn't get each other anything. well he got me a $7 movie and i got him a $5 shirt.
i thank god for my little man. i love him with all my heart and soul. what i really need help with adjusting to things as he gets older. money is so tight, no thanks to walmart cutting my hours, i want to be able to provide for him. we have done well so far i think. i really wish i could find a woman's group around town to share ideas with others that have kids my age. i am grateful for the friends that i have that have helped me with the tons of questions i have, but i would really like to take him somewhere and fellowship with other moms with the same age kids.
i just want balance but how? you'd think i would be wise at 39 but not too much about toddlers. :)