keep going

keep going. my gosh that is hard to do at times. as ironic as it seems, it seems like my anxiety has increased when i started back to church and getting closer to God again. i believe it is satan and his evil that is trying to stop me from reading the word and going forth on my new walk with the Lord. i stopped going to church though. i lost faith in "church". i had a bad experience when i was in high school and once again. so no more church for me unless God shows me that i need it and where it will be. people that i thought understood my anxiety, apparently don't. but i am not giving up my faith and believing that God will heal me and help me through this.

i always looked for the right book, person, quote, etc to help me get over this. you can read all the books on anxiety but they all pretty much say the same. i believe that God is working a healing in me but I believe he is making the anxiety to come so i will work through it. see, anxiety will go away if you fight it and show it that you will win and be ok once it is gone. i've known this but have been too chicken to do this. i was too scared to let it happen and go with it. i know i have to do this. i know i have to let it come and experience the anxiety. i need to show it that i will not be scared of it any more. i've missed out on so much because of my fear of a panic attack. lately i've been taking more klonopin than i have been. one panic here or there results in "oh what if it happens again. well, let's take this and it won't." ha. i've found out lately that i can get bad anxiety even if i do take a klonopin. so we fight this. we bring this to head and punch the crap out of it with positive words. with strength and courage. with power. with determination.

i'm so tired of being stuck in this rut. i'm tired of looking at situations that may cause me to be anxious. geeee, rhonda...get over it. it isn't the situation it is YOU!!!! those thoughts come and bam....anxiety. panic. i friggin hate anxiety and i have ran and hid for too long. now that i have a fight force behind me and in me, i am ready to tackle this head on and fight like a woman! :) a strong, powerful woman of God. a God that is always with me and by me. a God that stands next to me and tells me "you can do this." I know I need God in  my life in so many ways, but i need him more to fight the anxiety and beat it.

this 10 to 20 seconds of intense fear has stopped me from doing so much in my life. i've missed out family things, friend things. LIFE. here i am 42 and where have i really been in the last 20  years? the past is behind me. i am stronger now than i have ever been. i want to be a normal person. normal as in: take my son to dinner, just us; go shopping in other towns for christmas; go to family reunions; go to my inlaws; pick up liam if eric is working later than me and get ice cream. the things i can't do because the fear is greater than the want. and that fear has been greater for too long.

my life is half over. i don't want to waste any more time. there are times at work i get nervous and panic arises because i can't find eric. my god...i am so sick of that. i'm sick of the fear controlling me. i have to bring the fear, let it come, let it pass and not react to it other than, "ha ha i kicked your butt." that is out it has to be. that is how it will be. i know i will need my meds because anxiety is apart of me and always will be, but i need to react to it like i should and not run from it. darn it...it's time to live.

what a difference a week makes

feeling so much better. oh my gosh i can't begin to tell you how much better i feel. i think i am suppose to be in the groups of ssri's because the other group i was in just doesn't work like this group does. i'm on celexa and hoping this good feeling stays! i started it last tuesday so i hasn't been a week yet till tomorrow but i feel so much better and will get even better as time goes on.

last sunday was a very down day. i decided we needed to go to the park to get out and help me mentally. oh how this boy loves the park!

loving how beautiful this fall is. the trees around here are gorgeous. one of the best falls in years.

maybe today we'll drive around and get some more pictures of trees. oh i do love fall!!!!

that was too much for me!

yesterday i had some really bad side effects from the cymbalta. i was so tired. my head felt like i was in some sort of fog. i had only taken it for two days. there is no way i am going to deal with that till, or even if, my body gets used to it. i need to function. heck, i'd rather have anxiety and panic then what i felt. so now what?

i decided i'm going to stick to the pristiq for right now. i see my dr on the 8th and till then i will write down when i am anxious and go from there. i am also going to check into the book "the mood cure." a gal on facebook told me about it. i shouldn't have caffeine but i do. i drink coffee and pop. here is something i found on caffeine:

"Your favorite pick me up has two effects upon the body which can result in an increase in your anxiety levels. One side effect of your caffeine habit is to block adenosine, a protein found throughout the body. Adenosine regulates the firing of neurons in different brain regions. It is what causes you to get drowsy. Caffeine interferes with this process and causes the firing of neurons to increase. This triggers the pituitary gland to produce adrenaline because the gland thinks an emergency is occurring. This increase in adrenaline can cause and increase your anxiety symptoms."

and this on sugar:
"Sugar can cause a dramatic increase in anxiety. Like caffeine, sugar can cause lactic acid to build up in the bloodstream. In addition, the ingestion of sugar causes a release of insulin which decreases blood glucose. This causes mood swings and agitation. If you suffer from anxiety you should limit your sugar intake and try to eat complex carbohydrates like whole grains. Also, try eating smaller meals throughout the day."

so now i have some thinking to do and some switching to make. i need to limit my sugar intake as well. i knew sugar could be a factor but i didn't realize how much. i was thinking back to when i was pregnant. i didn't have coffee or pop. i ate better and i never once had a panic attack. i know i had some anxiety but nothing that i remember as being very bad. i do eat a lot of sugar. i've been wanting to eat better foods but yes....i am addicted to sweets and sugar. so i need to think of what to eat and go from there. it's so easy to grab 2 donuts for break. grab a pop instead of water. yes...it all has to change.

i wish i could be off of meds but i don't know if or when that will happen. but now that i am seeing that i am causing a lot of it by what i eat i will focus on that and work on that. it's time i got a handle on it and not rely on meds to help. for too long i have thought meds would magically make me all better. ha. i'm still in the same spot i was 10  years ago, well a lot of things are a lot better but anxiety wise the same. so i need to step up to the plate and do this myself. i am the magic that will happen. and with God on my side i can do this. it's time to take control!

changes

today isn't going like it thought it would. i was suppose to help with the outreach at church but it won't happen. i started cymbalta on thursday and today the side effects are taking affect. very tired. light headed some. feels like my head is heavy and stomach issues. i feel like i have failed once again with this anxiety issue crap. i am so tired of letting people down.

pristiq was just not working any more. my anxiety was getting worse. i thought it was maybe the hormones, i think i am experiencing perimenopause, hasn't been confirmed by the dr but i feel it is. but i think it is more than hormones. at times i wonder if i do need meds to control my anxiety and now i know that i definately do. i am so tired of living with this but i know that my healing will come soon. with going back to church, doing daily devotions and reading more christian books, i am feeling better in so many areas. just wish that this would just go away with a snap of my finger but it won't. must hang tough. must keep pushing through even when the strength is no longer there.

sometimes it's so hard to get up in the morning when you know anxiety is lurking. that is when you know it is time for a med change. i've been on so many. after a few years they don't work like they once did and it's time to change. i'm at that place. you spend months wondering if it is hormones or the meds not working. then you know it is time. then you have to take more time for the new meds to kick in. sometimes these meds take me a week to start to feel something, sometimes longer. but usually within 2 to 3 weeks i am feeling a lot better. and in a month i am brand new. i want to hold on to those feelings. i love the feelings when new drugs take affect. the happiness you feel. you feel strong. there is no fighting. you can laugh. you can sing. it is such a wonderful feeling. then over time you have to increase and eventually change the meds altogether. i guess it works for others like this, i'm not sure, but it does for me.

writing in my prayer journal has helped. there are changes that are happening. sometimes those changes have to be in form of medical and not just spiritual. no, i am not the kind of person that thinks god can cure all and we don't need meds. we have dr's for a reason. i'm so thankful things are getting better as these changes are happening. i was out driving the other day and went further than i had in a long time. usually i will stop and go back the next day. i was cruising like i had no fears in the world. it felt great. that was god. he is with me. i probably could have kept going but i don' like pushing things. i probably should push myself to show myself that i can do it. i need to and i think i will.

changes aren't fun but we need them. i hope and pray that this med will work. it's like finding the right drug to help control your blood sugar. you have to deal with the ups and downs of how you body will react but once it is right it is amazing! i will never give up. i know there is something great about to happen. i can never give up. i won't let anxiety beat me. it has in some areas but it won't any more. slowly i am making progress. you can't undo many years of anxiety, fear and panic in one night. you must retrain the brain and with gods help i am.

God is so good!

what i have experienced over the last few weeks is a miracle, seriously! i had some issues at work with a couple of people. i was stressed so bad. i worried every day. it got so bad that i had a very bad panic attack before work one day. i about left. i parked by the doors in case i needed to leave. in my prayer journal i asked God to heal my thoughts and stresses about work. one sunday that we didn't make it to church i listened to joel osteen. he talked about how God will give you double for your troubles. i'm not sure what day it happened, it might have been right before we had three days off, but the thoughts stopped. the worries about work, stopped. my fears about it, stopped. thinking of the ones that did what they did, stopped. for the first time in weeks i had no thoughts about work and the people that had been bothering me. the threes days off we had was thought free. if you know me and my obsessive thinking, this is a miracle. i still have no thoughts of work or what happened. i haven't stressed about anything and i refuse to. i know God healed me there. it is so great to have a clear mind. in fact, a lot of my obsessive thinking has lessened.

this is one of my favorite scriptures: Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

i now know how important it is to think of the good things. i now see what the negative thinking had done to me. all the sleepless nights of fears and unless worry and you know.....none of it ever happened. i want my mind to be free of the negative chatter and by the grace of God it has. i am still thanking Him for freeing my mind. seriously, this is a miracle. never before have i ever been able to stop my thinking. i was a total obsessive thinker. i worried about what people thought, i was such a people pleaser....i worried if i upset them and if i did i felt a tremendous guilt. i wanted everyone to like me. gosh....i was totally setting myself up for hurt. what happened at work has shown me a lot. God told me to go up to one person and say i was sorry. i didn't feel as if any of it was my fault. but i did and i believe that is when the release was. so, if you are fighting or disagreeing with someone and it is bothering you, then you need to stay something to that person to free yourself. i never thought i would be saying things like this. God has really worked in my life like never before. no wonder no other books and people has never worked for me. i am a child of God and He wants to take care of me. 

i am kinda grateful that all of that happened. it taught me a lot and showed me what i need to do. slowly i am growing and learning. i know God will heal the anxiety that lurks in me. there were so many years of mental damage done to me with my ex. but it is slowly going away. i forgave him, did tell him because he is no where around, but i did and felt free from that.

i hope to write more, i really do. i don't get on the lap top much, usually the ipad. need to remember to fire up this things and write. hopefully i can help someone else. we are never alone, especially if God is at our side!

blessed

a couple of months ago we started going to church. i knew i needed to go. i knew that God was tugging at me to go and get back with Him. i've searched for so many answers to the fears and anxieties i have. i bought books, read blogs. thought i could do this on my own. i was saved Christmas Eve 1981 in the back of my parents donut shop. i was baptized a few years after. i missed being in church. i missed how i felt. there is a peace you have when you are in with God. a peace that i wanted and needed back.

the last few weeks i have seen a change in things. it's a slow process. sometimes things don't happen over night, rarely do they. one time i was asking God why don't you heal me? "you need to learn to deal with this." huh???? but now i see what He met. i know He is always with me, i need to remember that. i need to remember to call upon Him and He will guide me. point is, I need HIM! there is a lot that He is going to teach me that I need in order for me to be healed. i have a lot of baggage from over the years. so many times i tried to find the right answers but nothing came.....i'm still where i am. well, i am in a better place than i used to be 6 years go.

i know this till take time but each day i am feeling stronger and braver. i know that i can do this and that God is with me and will heal me. there is a lot that is going on in me and i know that something great is coming. i know it. i feel. it will happen.

i'm tired of living in fears of the highway. fears of being by myself. fears of what if people know that i deal with this, how can that like me? anxiety is nothing but lies. if you don't feel the real fear, like when a tiger is in front of you, then it is a lie. a lie that stops you from doing what you love because of the feelings that come with it. it sucks. but i'm ready to move on. i'm ready to see what i have been missing. i'm learning that when i do panic i am ok and i will be ok. ironically i have had more anxiety and panic lately. God showing me what i need to do? i think so. how else will i learn if i'm not in a panic situation. i've had a lot of anxiety at work lately, a lot!!!! something happened that have stressed me out very badly. in fact my anxiety was so bad one morning i about left. but i stayed. i took a pill and reminded  myself that God is with me. i've been praying that God would take the stress and thoughts away about work and he has. i haven't thought about work and what has been going on for 3 days. my mind is clear and i know all is ok with me and my position.

i hope to be writing more now that great things are starting to happen. i hope you check back and read. please feel free to leave some comments and if you have any questions about anxiety, panic, agoraphobia and depression. God is going to do great things with me!

some new starts!

i'm back! it's been a few months since i've been on here. time to dust off the cobwebs and write again.

today, well more like tomorrow because i need to go shopping for food, i am starting to watch my food intake. i'm tired of being tired all the time. i'm tired of not finding cute clothes in my size. just tired of being over weight. i'm not planning on losing a ton of weight, don't want that pressure right now, just setting a goal of 75 to beat what i lost before. if i lose more than that then sweet! when i get to my goal weight i may decide to go on but right now my main focus is 75.

i started doing meditation. i'm reading about mindfulness. i believe that these will be what gets me over this anxiety issue that is haunting me. now that i am reading about it, it makes so much since. i worry more than i should. i'm better than i used to be on that, which is surprising having liam. i have too many negative thoughts that go through my head. a lot i need to change. i used to look up quotes on over coming fears and anxiety but realized that i need to stop looking up things like that but sayings and quotes that start with happy words: joy, happiness, love, etc. i need to put in my positive and override the negative. it's a slow process but it will work. i had a very bad panic attack at work the other day. i believe a lot had to do with it but mostly because working on attacking the anxiety and learning how to stop it brings out  more anxiety. it's like when you start to take medicine for something and you feel worse at first because the meds i starting to take effect and break things up, that's how it is for the anxiety. i know i will get over this and learn how to control and let go. i need to be in the "now" and not think about the past or the future. i can't control anything in the future but in the now i can. i can control my thoughts and my surroundings.

i'm doing all of this for me and especially these two:

it's going to be great here in a few months in a lot of ways!!!!

desperate

i saw this book on instagram. a few where saying how good it is. sometimes i feel so desperate. i feel as if i don't know what i am doing, if it is good enough and so many other thoughts. i knew i needed to order this. i'm on chapter 4 and i have learned so much already. at the end of each chapter is a QR code you scan from your smartphone. it is a video that has a quick review of that chapter. what a great idea! you actually get to see and hear the author's, it makes things so much more real!

"my home, then, became my kingdom over which i longed to rule well as i was crafting lives, my own children, for His glory. this kingdom of home is the place of refuge, comfort and inspiration. it is a rich wold where great souls can be formed and from which men and women of great conviction and dedication can emerge."

for many years i have wanted out of this house. it is what i bought with my ex. too many memories. too many emotions. lately i have been wanting to paint and redo pretty much every room. i've lived in this house for 16+ years. i just want out and a fresh start. then i got to thinking. this house isn't about the past. this house isn't about who bought it. it isn't about what happened, the feelings or the emotions. this house is now where my family of 3 live. where my husband and my son and i live. where we play, laugh, fight and love. the above quote makes me want to do so much with this home. this is what liam will know. what he will remember when he has his own family. i want to teach him so much here. he to teach us as well. this house represents my life. it represents all that i am about, the good and the bad. it is up to me to make sure liam can find comfort, refuge and inspiration here. he doesn't know who orginally had it. none of that matters to him. what matters is that he lives here and he is loved here. that he learns here and grows here.

"a happy mom who is secure in herself and at ease in her life is a rare gift that children love and appreciate."

i'm not secure in myself in a lot of areas, especially the anxiety one. it's very important to me to get over my anxiety issues for many reasons. one is that i don't want him to think that fear is ok. the fears i have that is. if he gets scared and wants to run, i want to be able to show him that he can stay and it will be ok. i'm a trying to find a good therapists that is very knowledgeable in cognitive behavioral theraphy. this is the only way i can get over this is to face it and do it and the only way i can is through CBT. i hope i find someone soon!

this book has opened up so much for me in just a few chapters. i want to get more books by Sally Clarkson and learn even more about how God can help me be a better mother. it's my goal and passion to be the best mom. there is so much more i need to learn and do. i hope with Gods help i can be what i want to be and more.

yeah....it's been a while!

i got bored with my blog and even worse with it when i couldn't upload more then one or two images. been wanting to write more and share things so i guess i will fire this up again and see what happens.

liam is almost over his cold. he has a runny nose but that is about it. well, and a cough that comes when too much gunk goes down his throat. poor kid seems to have had it bad this year. though the cold was harder on him than influenza a. weird, huh? i feel like i'm not doing enough or something when they get sick a lot. then i am reminded that he is in daycare and oh do they pass stuff around! one of the others has what he has. they share more than just toys lol.

it's almost 1am. i can't sleep. i drank coffee at 5:30pm and now i regret it. was trying to make myself feel better. i was stressed all week because of him being sick. worrying. calling the sitter 3 times a day to check on him. i probably worry too much but when he isn't feeling well and i am not around him i worry. then added stress of an idiot i work with. why they don't take him off as cake decorator i'll never know. i won't even get into that. not worth the added headache. he already gave me one i don't need another.

i need to find a way to let out my stress. i haven't scrapbooked in a few weeks. i want some new things but feel guilty buying anything. just been in one of the funks. i hate it when it happens. it's like i'm depressed and yet i'm still in motion because i have to be. i make it all happen some how. also, i think a lot of it is the cold. spring is almost here. we've been cooped up for a few months and we need out! i'd love to go for walks when it starts to warm up. every year by this time i've had it with things and need a refresher. i think that is why i love spring so much. a new bloom to life. a  new start. a fresh look on things. after the cold, harshness of winter, i can finally shed and be free. these 4 walls can drive you nuts, espcially with a toddler that is not wanting to listen and wants it his way. it's taking a toll on all of us. we are all at the point of breaking and need out. the weather is suppose to be in the 60's this week. hopefully we can play outside after work and get some of this blah out of us.

i haven't taken many pictures the last few weeks and that will show in my project life album. last week was the worse. i'll try to figure out what to put in it. i have a couple but that is about it. :( here is one picture from this week. we took liam to his dr to make sure all was ok since he was still running a fever and coughing. they got some new cars to play in and he really like them!

 

can you believe this was taken almost 3 years ago?

 

that's my little man! :)